Tag: Mental health

Brownness

Beyond Comfort

Sanjay Sabarwal

Yesterday, i got my client peace of mind with a one year retraining order against the other side as well as attorneys fees. Seeing the wide grin on their face made it worth m not having my peace of mind over the weekend. You see, I have now realized that I like the challenge of litigation because it pushes me far beyond my comfort level. It forces me to sit down, get organized, to put words down on paper rather than keep convincing myself that I got this. It is hard work for me to simply sit down in the quiet, get all thoughts done, REALLY think about the issues at hand, and then come up wtih a chronology.

Now mind you, I saw some gaps, and I worried about the other side and what they would come up with. I blamed myself for not being as prepared when I called the other side the first time. So it made for a special day when I handed him the exhibit binder, and he reviewed it with his client, and then made an offer to settle rather than have an entire hearing in front of the judge. Thats when it hit me that when I am uncomfortable, but do the work, things work out in my favor.

This is a lesson that has been continually shoved in my face, and now I know that in order for me to get good at this, I have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Its the zone of action. Not just sitting there stressing or telling myself that I got this. But really getting down to connecting with my client needs, what happened, and what needs to happen. It made for an even better today to come home and then support my wife in potty training Zyan who managed to use the toilet 3 times.

When we do the difficult things, the rewards are infinitely better than when things are just handed to you. Its a lesson I now look foward to learning continuously. Live in discomfort, love the reward. Life is just beyond that comfort zone.

Happy Tuesday!

Inpsiration, Journal, Legal

October 1

Sanjay Sabarwal

It’s strange to think that in just three months, 2018 will come to an end. It hits me that after 9 months, there are so many goals I didn’t even get to, and perhaps it was a stretch to try to do so much. Yet it comes down to responsibility not as in blame, but in that instead of blaming others, my failure or lack of action was due to the choices I made and no one else.  It’s strange to even say 2019, but here it is. A futuristic sounding year, and I picture what it will look like. Will it be more of the same, or will I make gains in all areas of my life?

Again, it comes back to me. Everything I desire requires work and action from me not wishful thinking. If I want to improve relations with loved ones, I get to be present. If I want success in work, I get to do good work (the referrals will come), if I want to be in service, I get to show up and do those things. Over and over again, I am reminded that if I want change in my life, it comes down to my thoughts and actions. It has never been up to others or circumstances, those are just victim stories I can tell myself to give myself excuses.

Sure, life happens, but how I deal with it is still my choice. So 3 months to, I hope to end it with a bang!

Happy October (and Monday)

Food For Thought, Myself

Gratitude

Sanjay Sabarwal

images (1)I admit that for a few moments last week (ok more than few), I had a difficult time finding reasons to be grateful. Attending a funeral for a friend’s father and watching helplessly as they broke down took an emotional toll. It made me wonder how quickly things can shift. In those moments, nothing else mattered. All the problems I thought I had, faded into noise . They meant nothing. So much of my time wasted on things that really didn’t matter in the long run.

Death is a reminder that we are not here to stay. I believe most of us will never know when we will go. All we have is the present moment. It’s not easy. Too often, I let the negative thoughts in my head take over, and then all I do is worry about the past and future. It’s a tough cycle to break. What good is it to waste so much time on things you cannot control? Yet, I seem hardwired to do it.

It is not a coincidence that a family friend and others started a gratitude chain few weeks ago. It is as if the universe conspired to forcefully remind me to count my blessings, love the ones that are in my life, and connect with all the ones and things that truly matter. It is not easy, but it is also yet another reason to not take myself and my life so seriously. There are more important things to do like take a moment, breath in, and be grateful for what I have.

Myself, Writing

Nightmares

Sanjay Sabarwal

failureSo had my first nightmare in a long time. It was surreal as it started in the middle. I am sure I was dreaming of something else, but I see a guy passing by, and for some reason. I call him a pussy. He keeps walking, but I know he is going to come back, and sure enough he does. I am on some stairs, and he begins walking up, and I begin blubbering that I was kidding, and didn’t mean to say what I did but like in dreams, suddenly there are 3 more people, and one grabs my hand, trying to force my wedding ring off while another grabs my watch, and then third has a razor blade. The old school kind that my father used to use when he shaved. And I start mumbling that I really didn’t mean it, but the razor keeps coming towards my right eye. The only one with a contact, and I don’t want to be blind. I don’t want to be squinting out of left eye which sees mostly blurs lately. I knew instinctively that they wanted the good eye, and as I woke up, there was an immediate fading idea that if only I had a gun to equalize the unfairness of the situation (there goes my liberal card).

The weird part is that I didn’t know any of the men well except for the first guy who suspiciously looked like the Reading Rainbow Gentleman Levar Burton (chucking anti-racist card as we speak).  Yes, I did try to figure out the dream, and I am pretty sure the entire dream was an allegory of my recent in ability to read, write or do anything workout related the past few weeks. Each day, I have this vague goal of writing and running, and while some days I am successful in writing for 20 minutes and exercising for 15, I know that’s not going to get it done if I want to be published or be in any sort of shape for the Spartan Beast which is fast approaching in September.

But, and this is a big but, I know I am doing something which is still infinitely better than the nothing I was doing before. So thanks to the Zen Habits, I practice self-compassion. I am giving myself a break even if they give me nightmares.

Myself

Transitions

Sanjay Sabarwal

Today, my niece turned 18.  She is the second to do so.  I also have a 21-year-old niece.  There is nothing like seeing others grow up to realize that you no longer can pretend to be young.  It’s really quite amazing to see someone grow up into an adult right in front of your eyes.  It’s also a surreal week as last week I witnessed the burial of a dear friends father.  Life. Death. Growth. That’s what we are surrounded by, yet we constantly get caught up in the mundane. We do not realize how lucky we are to have the ones we have in our lives.  We ignore that we are all beautiful souls who are just here temporarily and perhaps instead of really enjoying each others presence, we let the worry of money, work and conflict drive each day.

I realize that I am being preachy so perhaps I need to switch from We to I.  This is my daily journey. Each morning, I have been waking up and really trying to spend some time with myself. It’s as if I have become a stranger to myself. So many random thoughts swirling around, and I see that a majority of them are negative.  I see that I am creating so much negative energy, and so now I try to refocus. It has led me to know how lucky I am to have met my friend’s father one last time before he passed.  To be touched by the earth in my hands as I bid him farewell on his new journey, and to be blessed to have known him and his daughter.  I also could not be more proud of my friend’s husband, a new father and a relatively new son-in-law, who took care of the family as his own. It was truly inspiring to see him be there for them.

I am surrounded by love, pain, grief, anger, but most importantly inspiration. If I could just allow myself to see life as what it really is, I would be a better person for it. It is a continuous teacher, lover, and philosopher.  So today as I wish my niece a beautiful birthday, I also wish my dear friend and her family a beautiful day in memory of their luck in having uncle in their lives. I know I feel blessed with the people in my life.

Myself

Haven

Sanjay Sabarwal

Pork Jam at Haven Gastro Pub
Pork Jam at Haven Gastro Pub (Photo credit: 3j0hn)

Last night, I had drinks with a great friend. While there, I realized that this was a friend who I had known for years, and we had shared some really great history.  We had a life that many in my life now were not aware of. We had visited each other so often that he had asked me to be the Godfather of his son.  An honor I do not take lightly. I also felt guilty that it had taken us almost 6 months to get together, and that was only after he pushed hard for us to get together. As I sat there, and we began as if we never left off, it hit me hard that I had missed so much time in between our meetings.

I wonder why sometimes we drift off from meaningful and fulfilling relationships.  I want to say because we get busy with others or work yet those are just excuses. Real relationships are cultivated but more importantly if they are real they do not wither away.  I did wonder and I asked why it took for us to get together.  My theory was I had done something to offend him or perhaps the people in his life don’t care as much for me. He brushed it aside in a moment and flat-out said that he really was just working hard.  Just hearing that put me at ease.  For my part. I admitted that it has taken me almost 6 months from my surgery to finally feel like myself again.  I remember the neurosurgeon saying it would take time, but I truly did not believe him.

Yet it took one night for it to hit home.  I woke up at 545am yesterday on my own before going to an early morning breakfast briefing, and then had a full day of working and working out. I also started on a new app (well for me) http://www.calm.com which allows to practice meditation and mindfulness anywhere so while I drove I used it. I picked up my cousin from the airport at 815pm and then met him at the Haven Gastropub at 930 pm which I left from at midnight. And although I was fearful that I would not have the energy, not once did I feel tired. In fact, after meeting with him I felt energized and ready to do more.

I am at a place now where I see that for the things I want in life, I need to go after them rather than waiting around which also includes loving my beautiful wife and cherishing each and every moment that we have.

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