Diet, Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A New Monday and My Why For Weight Loss

Each week, I spend a few minutes just reviewing what I accomplished. I take a moment to express gratitude and truly take in when I move forward. It’s crazy but I have lost 28 pounds in five weeks without trying to lose that weight.I have never been about binge eating or dieting, but Dr. Fuhrman’s Eat to Live plan was something that resonated with me. It is NOT a diet and definitely NOT for losing tons of weight but an anti disease eating regimen that involves eating most Fruits, Vegetables, Whole grains and seeds. I also added being active 7 days a week, cut out salt, and oil as well as visualized myself lighter.

Are my results typical? Probably not. Dr. Fuhrman does say that most people lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks. And also what was my why? See, that’s the thing, you need a real why. A why that will get you to move off your ass otherwise it is just a pipe dream. So my why is My father. Both my dad and grandfather died from heart disease, and I am determined not to go that way. I want to stop the cycle of dying due to preventable diseases. It seems ridiculous to me to die from something I did to myself. Now if a car hits, I am ok with that, but I am not going down without a fight!

But there is something. The time in the gym or when I am jumping rope or walking barefoot everywhere is my alone time, my processing time, the time where I feel I am working through the many thoughts in my head. So that is also my why. I don’t say any of this to brag, but I truly believe that you need a why to keep moving forward. That is the only way to seek change because you know what it’s for. So what’s your why?

Happy Monday! :0

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Good is the Enemy of Great

Last week, I had a discussion with friends about this topic as a prompt, and what came up for is that although I am a good writer, I am not a great writer. Of course, the standard is subjective, but I used two objectives: 1) Completed works and 2) Published. While I do have some completed works, it hit me that my output is about 1 essay every 3 months and that’s being generous. While not bad, it is nowhere near close to my goal of getting published a collection of essays. And then the second big one: not only had I not submitted any of my works anywhere, the last time I got published was when one of my short stories got accepted when I graduated from UCLA.

Then it hit me. Fear stops me from being great. The idea of submitting work that may get rejected scares the crap out of me and makes me rewrite essays over and over even they have been critiqued by numerous people. So for me Good means fear and it stops me from being great at writing. That epiphany now confirms me that I get to spend the second part of 2017 to start writing like a banshee and being submitted. Being being “good enough” just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration

A Month of Celebrations

As July winds down, it hits me next week is my 6th wedding anniversary, and that’s how I end the month; with a bang. It is fitting that my niece, moms, sisters and father in law’s birthdays are in this month as they are all loving people who deserve nothing but the best. Then of course, there is my wife who not only represents my best sides: loving, gracious and ever beautiful.

It hits me that July will always be a special month not just for the people we celebrated, but for the continuance of healing and celebrating the ones gone, the one who will always remain close to our hearts and minds. Of course, each of these celebrations missed their presence and didn’t in a way because we got to celebrate them along with those people. There is this unending urge that they were physically here, but they were in our hearts and minds. So to all the July people, know that you are loved, you are celebrated and you are not alone.

This is just a new journey with new paths and directions, but it does not mean that the trip is over, it just means it’s going somewhere else.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration

A Weekend of Emotional Cracks

In the drudgery of the sadness, there are now some cracks of joy, laughter, a brief smile, a joyful memory of my dad and aunt. There is a slight brightening in the days when we celebrated my mom’s, father in law’s and niece’s birthday. Celebrations happen, subdued perhaps but joy comes through because our loved ones would hate so much of this sadness nonsense.

We move forward not because we have to but because the ones gone would not like us being such sour puss’s.  They were the life of the party, and would want us to behave accordingly. And so there are glimmers of lightness, along with tears, but also shared stories or creation of new intimate moments full of joy and togetherness. The weekend flew by as we celebrated some milestones like my father in law’s 65th. His joy and surprise at the party infectious, and seeing the loving happiness in my wife’s eyes as well as my sister and brother-in-law who took pains to make the event happen.

In that moment, it hit me that yes mourning is fine, but that is not the only thing to do. We get to celebrate, hold our loved ones dearly, let me know any chance we get to show them how much they are cherished. And we get better at slowing grief down. Not ignoring it, but not also not running every single moment of your life. You force new moments to put cracks in grief’s facade, and perhaps, one day, just one day, maybe, you can smile first and miss them later.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

The Gray Life

Grief is boring. The colors around me are dimmer. I am slower. Often distracted. Unconcerned with loved ones needs and wants. Just making through the day in a daze. It’s caused damage in some relationships as the Sanjay they need is on another plain of pain and sadness. A selfish Sanjay who just looks inwards and forgets that life is moving forward without him,

Grief sucks. Continually looking at certain pictures, and replaying certain memories. I feel like an iPod on endless repeat of a song. Yet it is not satisfying but stultifying.

Grief angers. I don’t have any more words to explain to others nor do I want. There are moments I want to be left alone and others I feel suffocated in my loneliness.

Grief grays me. The color inside me feels drained and shallow. Yet I also know this self-pity has to go away. Life and Death happen. Get over it. Honor them. That’s the goal.

So I begin today vowing to be a better husband, son, brother and friend. Sitting in my room allowing grief to control me does nothing but damage me and my memory of those gone. I know they would be disappointed to see me this way. So Today, I start anew.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration

A Part of Me

I sit here, looking at this blank screen, and for a while, my mind and the screen have blankness in common. Finally, the fingers move to talk about the blankness which makes no sense because it’s hard to come up with words. That’s the same with Death. It is so final, irrevocable, and the ones who are left behind to make sense of it. But what do I do with the constant heartache? I know I cannot stop living, yet each moment is now tinged with a sadness that many cannot relate to. Does death become the end and be all of me? No, but it is a part of me, and for myself it is finding ways to keep going.

I know Death is inevitable, but when it is sudden and back to back, so much of one’s life loses meaning. It is a stark reminder of how mundane your thoughts and emotions become because are continually about the same things and persons. So many lost conversations, so much left unsaid, the ones gone would not like this. Would actively discourage. However, I still walk around in a fog, going about my day with a lead heart. The ones closest aware of the pain, but unable to share it because they have their own burdens to carry.

So I pass the day alone in thoughts and pain.Wishing for yet one more day, one more chance to do it differently knowing I cannot. Regret now also a part of me. I get up, I move, I do my tasks. I engage, I laugh, I work out, I go to work, each action I perform as if life has continued yet I am fundamentally different now. There is a blankness inside me which I have no words for, but is now a part of me.