Food For Thought, Inpsiration

A Rough Day

Yesterday was not an easy day. It’s been over 8 months since Papa has been going, yet it still feels so raw. Mostly because I haven’t allowed myself to process my grief. It’s just easier to look at the unfairness of things, to be snippy at others at their “luck” of having dads still.

My selfishness knows no bounds when it comes to my emotions and thoughts. I buried myself in feeling sad and sorry for myself, yet it hit me as I hiked Hellman Trail yesterday that my father would have hated me this way. He was a happy-go-lucky guy who would try anything to make his loved ones smile. So not was I dishonoring his memory, I upset others with my crappy attitude.

Then a beautiful message from my wife hit me to my core, and I lived yesterday with a new sense of urgency: to not waste time and energy on things I cannot change. Then I also noticed how so many had reached out, and the most I could muster was a lame thank you. It is in times of need that I sometimes truly forget that I am never alone. I just make myself feel that way which only serves the selfish need inside me to dwell rather than take responsibility.

So each day will be a focus on less feeling sorry for myself, and then finding way to be in service to others. It’s what my father would have wanted.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration

Firsts of Many Firsts

This coming Father’s day will be my first without Papa. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t a stark reminder that I don’t have mine or that I am not one either.  For all that I do, and for my all to do lists and the wonderful moments in my life., it’s hit me that I don’t allow myself the time to sit there with my grief. It’s easier to keep moving, to keep doing, from working out to writing, to driving to the studios, to taking on new clients to planning things yet there is a deep pain that I find hard to express.

Sitting in therapy, I complained to my therapist how I get weepy at the strangest times particularly when I listen to the Rocky Soundtrack as I head to Crossfit.  As the music comes, and I pick up the speed to the gym, tears suddenly come as if I’ve opened a forgotten valve. When asked when was the last time I sat in silence, it came out that it was during that time to the gym or early mornings when I do my morning pages when it’s just me, the quiet and the screen. It is only then I allow myself the time to be with my thoughts and feelings. And most times, it is not a place I wish to be at.

Yet I also know it needs to happen. Too much stuff has gone by without me sitting with it and just FEELING. It’s easier to be doing, yet if I don’t process then I cannot move forward. So yea, this is the first Fathers day without Papa, but it’s also a first that I get to celebrate him anyway.  He doesn’t need to be around physically to be honored. He is in my heart.

 

Food For Thought, Inpsiration

Changing Times and Focus

Last week was a mixed bag of things at work, personally and professionally. It is never easy to make changes when I think I am on a set course and focus. Yet time and again, I learn that while it is good to single task, it can also become a shield to not wanting to deal with inconvenient truths.  Last week, a lot of things wrong and while I did sulk for a minute or an hour or two, it became apparent that feeling frustrated, angry or worried solved nothing. I had to take a deeper dive to my reaction, and the answer came back in a simple way: fear.

I was scared of screwing things up more. I was scared of extra things I would have to do which mean less of things I wanted to do. I was scared of missing things. Yet more than anything else I was scared of so much change in so many areas of my life. But then fear diminished as I took a breath, and realized that instead of focusing and blaming others and events for my reactions, I had to take responsibility for my actions and feelings. Every day won’t be the way I want, but it doesn’t mean that it is a bad thing.

Happy Monday!

 

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Medicating the Soul

There is nothing like the buzz from an amazing long weekend to wake up to on a Tuesday. While there is the immediate wish to go back, there is also a huge amount of gratitude for the people in your life who allow you such moments. A dear friend got married with a partner invested in the same ideals of commitment, friendship and love as her. It hit me that connections like that soothe the soul, and make me want to be a better husband, brother, son and friend.  That it is OK to be in friendship rather than comparison, to celebrate rather than judge, to enjoy the moment that comment on what’s missing.

It also hit me that there are various ways to self-medicate. From abusing booze, to oversleeping or to food (one of my sins), it is easy to try to fill that never empty gap one can get in your soul. Until you surround yourself with love, understanding, and great company.  I can always choose to feel alone, or I can be here in a beautiful moment with others. So this weekend, I didn’t just celebrate a beautiful wedding, but many relationships. I renewed my vows with faith, love and friendship. I medicated with gratitude rather than substances.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration

Being in Integrity

It is always easy to say I will do better, to make promises, to blame yourself for not getting to things or continue to act in ways not best for you.  I know far too many (including myself) who make plans, but then fail to set themselves to win. It is easy to make resolutions, to swear to lose weight, eat healthier, to head to the gym, or tell yourself to lose dozens of pounds. Yet more often than not, besides words, there are not steps on how to get there. I am the first to admit that I do not set myself up to win when I just declare things without really sitting with my why and how. I look at certain weekly tasks repeated over and over which sit on my planner week over week with nothing done about.

One task in particular grates at me. Doing a desi music podcast. I have the name, the songs for the first two shows done, but no other action. But time after time, I always manage to “forget” this to do item. It haunts me because if anyone that knows me, knows that I like to stay in integrity with my word. So what’s the hold up?  Fear. I am afraid that some will find my voice my grating, others my song selection, and worse of all, indifference. What is the point of creating if there is no one there to experience?  Yet week after week, it’s on my to do list, but I do feel something coming up inside me to put it on my list. I still research, I still look for songs, and then I realize I am setting myself to win by learning and getting to the how. I already know the why: honor my father. So one day, there will be a podcast. If no other reason than because I will be in integrity.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration

A New Week With Purpose

The buzz of the new week is here. Each Monday is a way to get back to the goals set for the month and year. In this morning quiet, I sit and reflect, missing my dad, but also determined to honor him in the way he saw the potential in me. Warm memories of yesterday’s Mother’s Day still course through me as ,even in the midst of it, we not only celebrated our mothers, but our family bond. I marveled at how I’d seen so many of the kids grow up on front of me, and now they were funny, honorable adults who still liked being around each other.

It was also the first of many events to come without my dad. A deep sadness exudes, but also unending gratitude for the time I had with him. Then there is the foundation in my family. My mom. I mean I am not sure there is a way to express what she means to me and to us. Yet that is not good a reason to not still try. So I do even when I feel that is so much more I could do.

So a new week. A reflection in gratitude for what I have, but also now looking forward and assessing if I will do things this week that scare the crap out of me. After all, what is the point if I live the same life daily? I admit that only days like yesterday empower me to days like today where I feel emotionally nourished and safe. Only when I am grounded in knowing what I have will I push myself to be worthy of that love and care.

So I begin this new week with purpose, my heart settled and my love deepened.