Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Monday Starts

There are some Mondays when I am raring to go, and others when I want to snooze the alarm until it gives up. There are Mondays I am out of the bed way before the alarm, and other Mondays when the its gentle chimes racks me immediate tension and anxiety. Each Monday a new choice on how the week, month, year should go. Every Monday a chance to pick up where I left things, dump them or start new things on my to-do list.

The Mondays keep coming, and I have to decide how I will take the day, and my life. The last few Mondays came as a struggle, and it hit me that with 6 months of 2018 complete, am I on the path I envisioned for myself? Are the goals I set half way done? This type of assessment came from my LP group last week when the prompt asked us to see how we were going on 2018 goals. Lots of excuses and reasons came up for why I was not halfway done or even started on some goals. And I felt defensive, and self-pity for myself. Life just wasn’t fair and just for a moment that pity fit snugly onto me, but then it hit me. Suck. It. Up

Each transformational podcast or book I take on talks about personal responsibility. Sadhguru says that we have a choice each time on how to feel. People or things don’t make us feel, its how we choose to see things. Back to me it comes back. Always.

So Monday is here again, and I have a choice on whether I make excuses or I take personal responsibility. And so I accept my choice of making things happen.

How about you?

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Alone in the Woods

There are moments in my life where the silence is the only partner I have. In that part of the woods, emotions crash onto my brain, and I realize that it takes my every breath and thought to not be engulfed in despair. So I end each night tired, lost, and just a bit more broken.

But then daylight. The box, the meditation, the writing, the connection with a loved one, the legal, the speaking to with my best friend, the warm touch of my wife, mother and perhaps my family and the pain recedes just a tiny bit. But if I give myself space, images of the ones lost come to me, and so I run and deny and keep busy and keep moving just so I am not so focused on their long gone smiles and the warmth they provided.

I know it’s life. I know I am not unique. I know. I know. I know. But the pain doesn’t stop. And the silence gets deeper. The woods get darker. Yet I keep marching on, knowing somewhere, at some point, there will be a day break. And I won’t be alone. Or quiet. Till then I keep marching on.

 

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A Sad House Gets Sadder

It’s taken me a few days to really absorb the loss of our family dog. I brought Bebo for my mom 12 years ago, but funnily enough my dad named her. It took him less than a minute. As I stroked her hair before we put her down, I couldn’t help remembering how I stroked my father’s hair in Iran as we cleaned his body before cremation. Both times, tears streamed down my face, and regret covered my soul.

The sheer pain in my heart felt as if I would melt into a torrent of grief and loss. Bebo knew she was going. Her eyes looked at my calmly as she accepted her fate, and I wondered if I would be blessed enough to do the same when my time came.

Papa always talked about Death and how he was content with his life. As I struggle in my stormy emotions, and the awareness of yet another death in our family, I feel our house get even sadder. A certain quietness reigns through the rooms, and it feels as if we speak in whispers at a funeral. Joy comes occasionally, but more often, it is just a thick blanket of silence where everyone in the house pretends to move forward.

Each week it seems something new comes up that takes out just a bit more air out of the house, and so I sit in silence, bathing myself over and over with grief, and feeling if the ache in my heart will ever go away. I know logically that loss is a part of life, but for it to happen to us and loved ones suddenly over and over not only is destabilizing, it makes me wonder how I can move forward.

I used to look forward to new weeks, and changes, but lately it’s filled with dread and wonder who or what will end next. It truly makes me feel alone.

Food For Thought, Immigration, Inpsiration, Journal, Legal

Adding Practice to Theory

I no longer watch news and continually work to cut down my consumption of social media. More and more, Facebook feels like a place of shouting opinions and personal bias. There are days I dread opening the site for fear of the messages that will come barreling towards me.  I walk around, and I see people lost in their phones. Couples eating together with both looking at their phones rather than engaging in conversation. It feels to be a lonely life when so much passes me by. Yet I know that getting lost in helplessness is not only a quick road to failure, but one that fosters indifference.

Last week, I spent four days learning about Immigration Law Practice. While the theory portion absolutely overwhelmed me, there was a growing conviction inside me that with the political climate the way it was, it behooved me to take part.  What scared me is how easy it is for permanent residents to lose their green cards, and how difficult the current administration has made it for immigrants to come or stay in this country.

And so I put practice into place for a new area, and I plan to grow. It is the only way I know to live.

Happy Tuesday!

 

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Death by Suicide

It’s been an emotional week, but one also of deep learning. More and more, it’ become clearer to me that it is important to stay connected with others. I don’t know when I began thinking that my personal vision did include others. I convinced myself that I had to withdraw and just focus on my tasks to be of value to life.

I forgot that connection takes time, patience and work. It is important to reach out to others if nothing else but to hear another voice, another perspective and perhaps be of service if they are dealing with difficult emotions.

There was a time every month when I was younger that I would reach out to every person in my contact group and just check in. I never had an agenda except just to connect and hear what others were up to. I honestly miss that feeling of connection. I am proud of all that I am getting done, but I know realize there is much more to life than getting things done for myself. I get to be a resource or allow others to do the same for me. I get to be connected, to be in service, to do more than just pass the days not reaching out.

And so I begin today. No more just getting things done. It is time to get out and be there for others.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

When Words Don’t Come

Another loss. Another funeral. Another chance at regret, and what if’s. This one a bit different. A life gone too soon. So much pain that the person left on their own terms rather than waiting for life to happen. I see the suffering left behind, and it boggles the mind. So much pain and I pray for peace for them and the person. How alone they must have felt.

As I grow older, it hits me that this will be nothing new. Death a new part of life that I can no longer pretend not there. I get to either prepare or keep being devastated. yet it hurts so much to live in that moment, and so I continue on the path of avoidance and ignorance until it happens again, and I come face to face with the reality that Death will keep happening, that I get to cherish what I have now or I will choke on the regret.

And so I start today with acknowledging that life has a beginning and an end. The best I can do is to make the middle count with loved ones, my vision, and picturing the legacy I wish to leave behind. But never lose sight of the present, of the chance to do over, and to be hug tightly the ones closest to me. To never, ever forget that time is short here. That all that matters is how we made people feel not what we did for them.