Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Passage of Time

One of the things I had not every considered that with the passage of time, I would get to bear witness to losing  loved ones in my life. It never occurred to me that as I got older so did others ahead of me, and then it is time for them to go. It hasn’t gotten easier. Sadness has entered my life, and made a cozy home, but it hasn’t taken over. My family continues to find ways to find love, laughter, strength, energy and sheer will power to keep moving forward.

Only now do I realize how much I will still witness. It’s hard to see that, and I don’t want to, but I also know that inner strength comes from being prepared, acceptance and just knowing the people in my family have had amazing lives. My aunt who left us two days ago went willingly, almost insistently because she’d had a full life.

I don’t pretend to understand my mom’s pain as she has lost her husband, and now two sisters, the youngest and the oldest. To me, she’s always been mom, and it’s truly hard to imagine her loss. Mom is mom, but she is also a daughter, a sister, a woman. Concepts that blow my mind as I get older, and see more death than I thought I ever would. It is not an easy thing to absorb. I also know that the past few years, death has changed my family dynamic but not in a negative way. Sadness is just one layer while resilience our foundation

I wish peace upon those have left us, and strength for those of us still here. Strength to know more are coming, but also the resolve to continue loving and living.

 

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Connections

After many months, we finally invited a few friends to our new place. It’s hard to believe how warm a place can feel with people who genuinely care about you in a short time. I met them all at my gym, yet already I count them among my close friends because besides crossfit we share so many other interests. To see them adopt my wife in a heartbeat confirms for me that these are people who care about my well being in a number of ways.

Each time we get together, the warmth and the closeness grows.  We accumulate more stories to share for later, more memories, more gratitude for being able to spend time together. I am truly blessed that the only 2020 vacation I managed to take was with this group, and not only did it turn out to be one of the best but it helped my personal friend circle bigger.

But more than that, for a few hours there was a sense of normalcy, connection, and we were able to not remember to be fearful or worried but to laugh, share and enjoy great food together. I am truly grateful to have a partner who gets this, and together we were able to host a great event. It felt like sanity even if it was just for a few hours.

Gratitude overflows in me.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

On Responsibility

This weeks prompt in my accountability group hit me hard as I was reminded that while it is easier to blame, to make excuses, to have a story as to why something was beyond me, the reality is much of what I do has to come from responsibility. Which means taking a hard look at myself, and finding what is that I can do in the current situation that requires action and not just words.

This week, I was reminded not too gently that I had failed to be present to something right in front of me and while I raved and ranted why I wasn’t, I had the sinking feeling that I was in my story. It is much easier to explain why something can’t be done or wasn’t done then owning up as the real reason.

It can be hard to have difficult conversations when I become more interested in being right rather than take a position of leadership and truly hear what is being said. It’s not easy to be told how I am actually showing up to what I think I am doing. That’s not to say that I am 100% in the wrong. Actually, this isn’t even about right or wrong. It’s about what is in my control, and what am I truly doing.

It’s becoming curious, compassionate, and present that I am able to truly hear. It’s also communicating my own needs and wants, and also what’s going on inside me. Because until I say what’s coming up for me, others will merely assume from my actions what they think I am doing. So I get to be in responsibility and share, and be aware of how I am showing up, but I also get to be clear in what I can and cannot do.

Responsibility isn’t about accepting blame or being right or wrong. it’s about being accountable to my thoughts, feelings and actions and showing up for the ones around you.

Happy Monday! 🙂

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A Reminder

As the year plugs away, the weekends roll by, and the days come and go, I know that while it may seem the end will never come, it will at some point. Too often, I get caught up in looking at the destination rather than the journey. I miss out on the present times, the love, laughter that surround me. I waste time trying to predict a future I have no way of knowing, and I spend far too much time worried about things that I can’t possibly change.

I only have control over my actions, thoughts, and feelings. Yet, I still continue on a path of uncertainty, fear, and wishful thinking. I realize now that it takes continual practice to not take it personal, to keep doing the right thing, to spend time the right way on growth and learning.

I get to take people as they are, not as I wish for them to be. It takes constant reminding to let go of my ego and not making it about myself. I get to practice empathy, awareness and finding ways to be in service. Sure, failure is part of the process, but it doesn’t mean I give up. I want to leave behind a legacy that I was mostly kind, mostly did the right thing, that I stretched myself, took chances and risks to grow, that I spent enough with loved ones, that I told all the ones in my life that they matter.

So I keep on finding reminders to be the best version of myself even when I feel like I am failing because each situation is a way to learn to do it better next time. So I continue on my path and my practice. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

Happy Monday.

 

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Half Over

Within a few days, half of 2020 will be gone.  It’s surreal to know that so much of what I planned for this year is still happening even with a quarantine. It hits me that my training to stick to my routines really laid the foundation for those many months where there is not much else I could do. I continued to be curious. I continued to work on my health. I continued enjoying good conversation and family. That’s not to say it was easy, but really that I used the tools at hand to move forward not stay stuck.

Yet it still hits that half the year is gone, and I am grateful for being here, alive, amongst loved ones doing the things that I am able to. I also know there is a lot more to do, and that’s what drives me to keep the time in mind. Rather than wallow in misery and frustration in regards to the Pandemic, I use it to push me further, to get a deeper learning, to reach out to people I haven’t in a while.

I don’t always get it right which is why its called a practice. I get each day to do the things I envision, but also remember not to get too caught up and make things into a task, something to be checked off. I get to breathe the day in, connect with my thoughts and feelings, and then go out there and make for a better day. That’s the only thing I can control.  n

So I continue to work on myself. Its half over, but it doesn’t mean I am done. Happy Monday.

 

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A Restless Quiet

Fathers Day finally ended. It used to be a day to celebrate Papa, but now it means trying to quickly scroll through all the messages about what a wonderful day it is. I don’t want to be bitter or take away from others who still get to honor and love their dads. Yet, I struggled to smile, to move past the day because it also happened to be the third death anniversary of my aunt, one of Papa’s favorite people. Two beautiful souls gone, and a day where its about loving your parents made me just want to stay in bed,

A kind of restlessness overtook me. A day I took for granted now just has become a painful reminder. I know it’s selfish of me to put it this way, but I also get to process. It’s not easy to allow myself to feel the loss. Easier to not think, or talk about it. What can any of that do?  I am like mom, quiet, taking it all in, but feeling it deep inside.

Each moment carried a heaviness. So I lay dow to breathe. Allow the pain to push down on my heart, and perhaps, maybe, just maybe, the pain would lessen. Swirling emotions throttle the words inside me and I just allow myself to miss them, to see images of them, to replay their laughters. I close my eyes, and picture them and will the day to pass. But then it hits me. Why? Neither of them would stand for this selfishness of mine. And so I breath in, and let out the pressure and just see them at their best.

Always smiling, joking. Always there. Even when not in flesh. And so I move past this restlessness. This quiet. I keep the pain and grief silent, but not my love.

Happy Fathers Day Papa. Baby Maasi, you are missed deeply.