Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Alone and Ornery

The past few weeks have not been easy, but worst of all, they have made me feel the most alone in a long time. It’s hard to explain how much fortitude it takes not to snap or be judgemental, yet I still manage to do it. Each morning, it feels pointless to do the things that I am doing to get a grip on my life and my feelings. Yet I do them on faith alone. It’s been hard to wake up to do my morning routine. Hard to do all the things I do to keep myself grounded and calm as things and people change in my life. It’s been a struggle not to react to ever-changing aspects of my life, but most of all, it’s been hard not to miss my dad and aunt.

I want it to get easier. I almost wish time would heal, but there are days the wound is as raw as the first day, and I break down at strange times.  Heading to the gym while listening to Rocky 4, or heading to do errands and suddenly choking up. It still surprises me how deeply it hurts. And then there are interactions with others where I vehemently disagree with their reasoning yet I still do as I am requested. And it takes me down a deeper rabbit hole of pain.

And finally, it’s just dealing with people because you love others and want to make them happy, but being around their friends or significant others just makes me feel alone and ornery. I do it reluctantly, but I also wonder at what cost to my heart and soul. So I withdraw, get quieter, lose myself in my routines. but it just hurts.

It hurts deep, and it hurts hard, and makes me feel alone and ornery.

I

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Negativity Bubble

The past few days have been  struggle. I see something in myself that I don’t like: negativity and self-doubt. Lately, it is never easy to tell when I am being cautious, prudent or just being an asshole. I feel as if I am fighting unstoppable forces and it’s made me incredibly sad. I look for relief in my morning routine, meditation, writing and talking to others just so I can be sure what I am saying or fighting isn’t me being just scared. But I still cannot tell. And it hurts, and makes me doubt if I am just being a roadblock, and then I just want to give in and not be this negative force. There is a part of me that is sure that I am right, but another part that says what if I am not?

So I take moments to shift, to see the other side, and take a breath. To remain calm, and not just react. And then I surrender because, at worst, it may just be a wrong decision, but I won’t die, nothing will get broken, and all that will be wasted is my energy and time. Sometimes resisting is not the best way to cope with strategy or new directions.

So I begin with this week with acceptance, being calm and present, and allow life to take me on this journey. I look forward to finding ways to be in contribution.

Happy Monday!

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

The End is Near

So strange to think it is October 30th, 2017. Just two months left in this year, and I cannot help but look at my resolutions. I managed to do something in each of the categories I set for myself. There were some that I didn’t even come close to, but I made progress.  The great thing about shooting for the stars is that I still managed to go further than at the beginning of the year.

From losing 35 pounds to speaking at a high school, there were things I was just uncomfortable doing but I got comfortable doing them. If I am not growing, I am shrinking. Yet there is a part of me still fearful of some things on my list. There are some aching reminders of the ones gone who meant so much, and I just hope they know what a big part they played in my life.

Daily, I wonder if I spent quality time doing the times that I care about the most which is intimate time with my wife and loved ones. Did I do something about my personal vision for myself? Did I use my day as I would if it was the last day of my life. Those are my motivations. I progress as if the end is near. Living any other way means complacency and an uninspired life, and I will be damned if I live that way.

Happy Monday!

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal, MITT

A Weepy Weekend

Last night, I had the privilege of seeing some great friends from leadership program (MITT, LP 122), and I got a chance to reconnect with something else I’d been missing but didn’t realize it until I got to their photo exhibit; inspiration. I got there early and nearly an hour I got to experience their amazing talent, eyes, and work in the photos displayed of their to visit to the Congo.

It takes a special kind of bravery and soul to go to a war-torn country, and show others that love can flourish even the most of desolate of places. That with education, love, and dedication, kids can know that they matter, that they have a future, and others do care.

I got weepy as I realized that I resisted quite a bit coming to the event. In fact, the entire weekend prior to the event was about how life wasn’t fair, and I felt helpless in supporting anyone. And then it hit me last night. That I won’t be able to solve all the problem of the world, but I can still try. That I can take a bite out of the problem rather than drown in complacency and self-pity.

I am blessed to know so know so many talents in my life, but more than anything else to have so many loving souls who make me believe that life matters no matter how hard.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Resistance is Futile!

These past few days, I’ve noticed a nasty habit of mine. It was sobering, and made me realize that  I’ve made some of my work and my relationships a lot harder than they needed to be. It hit me that lately, I jump the gun and interrupt another while they are finishing their thought. Usually, my interruption is negative or based on what I think they are saying even though they are not finished saying it.

Not only has that caused tension, but it also made communicating with me tougher all because I couldn’t take the time to be present, really listen to their request or statement, and then respond.

An honest friend just asked me what’s up with that when I admitted to my bad habit. And the first thing that came up was fear. Fear of being sidetracked, of being wrong, of more work I couldn’t do, of being overwhelmed, of letting others down, of not being able to get to all my commitments to others and myself. Fear, fear, fear.  Just drowning in that emotion when all it took was taking a moment, breathe it in, be present, listen and then shift into being open to their words.

It’s sobering to realize that as much as I am proud of what I have accomplished, this tendency of mine to resist not only damages my relationships, it pushes me back.  My intent going forward is to take a moment, let the person finish their thought, summarize what I heard or understood, and then respond after I shift. It’s not going to be easy to drown out the fear, but it’s worth it if I don’t want to lose relationships and move forward in life.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A Working Weekend

I never thought working 7 days in a row would be something I would appreciate but then it hit me that you have to consider it work or something not enjoyable to feel tired. To be fair. I had on different hats this week. From acting Regional Manager to Vice President of the Artesia Chamber of Commerce and then finally working on legal matters for my clients for the Law offices of Sanjay Sabarwal, these all could be seen as work or an expression of my passion to be in contribution.

Over and over, it comes back to me that when I am in service, it’s doesn’t feel like work. However, it also has to act as a battery charger for my soul, and I also have to remember to engage in self-care such as working out, meditating, writing, and spending time with my loved ones. When I work on my soul, my heart expands. It is easy to lose sight of my why sometimes, but it’s usually not because of tiredness but fear of doing things I am not comfortable doing (like interacting with businesses, working the front desk, or handling new legal issues).

It’s easy to do a 9 to 5 job, or even just take Ziba for granted and act as an absentee owner, but more engaging and rewarding when I dig into the weeds in all aspects of my life. So although I worked, in a way, I didn’t.