Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal, Writing

Nanowrimo and Writing

On November 30, I managed to write 50,100 words which under Nanowrimo meant I had written a novel in 30 days.  Yet I also know that those words will never see the light of day. You see, all of writing is revision, yet what I wrote not only is beyond revision, it was also not my intent. I used Nanowrimo to force the cobwebs off my brain, and recreate the habit of writing daily. I wanted to get the joy back into creating a fictional story, to go into a world of my creation where I was God.

As time goes by, I realize that one of the things I discard easily is my habit of daily writing. Reason being is, it is just too hard to sit there day by day to create something and because I Am a panster (someone who makes it up as he goes along), it feels as if I am wasting time. That I could be doing something else of meaning. And so I convinced myself to stop writing, yet there wasn’t a day that I didn’t think about it. And then it hit me that just like being a lawyer, the real reason for giving up was fear. What if I wasn’t good enough, what if no one read my stuff, what if I was a failure. And that insecurity convinced me to let go of writing.

Yet I never really wrote for others. I wrote for myself, and if others read then, it was an added bonus. Getting readership or being published has never been my goal (although it would nice) because when I wrote daily, it helped me to get what was inside me, out. I wrote because it helped me make sense of my world. And so I am grateful for Nanowrimo for rekindling that joy in me.

Happy Monday!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Monday Morning Remembrance

Today, as I went down to get my coffee, I couldn’t help thinking about my family dog Bebo would usually waiting for me to wake up so I could let her in. Papa did that duty when he was alive and now both are gone. An emotional start for the day for sure, yet there always was  quiet calmness in me. I felt their presence, and instead of being lost in feeling sad or wanting them back, it just became a moment of gratitude for how much time I had with them both.

And then of course, my aunt came up who never missed out on any reason to come along and connect, and her always smiling face came to mind. So I took in the morning, and counted my blessings for what I did have not what I had lost. For once, no tears just a sweet yearning and remembering snippets of time that I’d gotten to spend with each of them. It hit me that time is the only commodity that mattered, and how I used it determined the kind of life I would lead.

And it hits me that in this morning quiet, a yearning to look ahead and keep reaching out for things because I have and had so many loved ones who support and believe in me. And so I begin this Monday not only with glad for what I had, but excitement at what is to come. I miss them, but remind myself not to wallow. I want to do great things but also need balance. I know I need to move forward but not be scattershot. And so I take a moment. Breathe. And start another week.

Happy Monday!

Brownness, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

To Do List

I have a tendency to want to get everything on my to do list done, but I also keep adding things to it. It becomes a game in which even the smallest things get added to this list, and what seemed like a manageable day turns into a rush to complete every single thing on my list.  So I had to take a step back and ask myself, why?  What was the point of all this items? What is causing this need to list and try to get to everything instead of staying present and enjoying the day for what it is.

I wish I could I could I was successful in always dampening this need to do things, but it is getting better. I am more aware now not to allow a to do list to dictate things that are truly me like reaching out to others that I love and care about, recognize the good in others, and really not let my day be run by a series of tasks. Yet I have to admit it’s not easy as I commit to more things for my vision. From volunteering at the Harriet Buhai Center to becoming Vice President of my BNI Chapter, there is a constant low-level anxiety that I am not going enough. And then I take a breath. It hits me that all of this is self-inflicted and easy to take myself too seriously.

So I breathe, and I do the best I can and move on.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

77 Days

It’s strange to realize that in just 77 days 2018 will come to an end. I just looked out the 5 goals I laid out for myself for the year, and only one of the is close to completion. Disheartened?  Not at all. Frustrated. Absolutely.  And I have no one to blame and so yet again I take responsibility.  So what were the reasons. Just as simple as not paying attention, and being distracted by latest shiny new idea and passion in my heart. I see a pattern. I start so many things, and in general I stick to them for a while, but it takes away from time for goals I have had for years.

For example, each year I say I will be able to do a pull up, run a marathon, publish a book, and be better with money, but somehow I manage to get to other things and now looking at my original 2018 goals, it hits me that I spent minimal time working on making these goals happen.  It always come down to the fact that until I take the small steps to get to those bigger goals, they will just remain ambitions and not actual things I have done.

Yet there is also a part of me that realizes that I also did many things that I am proud of.  Maybe its better these goals become news one for 2019, but if I am being honest 2018 served its purpose in teaching me patience, humility, and responsibility. How about you? How is 2018 treating you?

Happy Monday!

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Time

Each Monday is an opportunity to start over. I read somewhere the Buddha said the biggest misconception that we have is that we have time.  That comment hit me hard as I realized that I can either waste time or I can use it to help bring my vision to life. So what do I want to use time for? I want to use it to further relationships with loved ones. Not just family but those friends that  I have had for decades. To check in, and let them know they are being thought of. To also show the ones near me how much they mean to be and how grateful I am that they are in my life.

Then also there is being in service. Over the years, I have volunteered at many places, but not to brag but because I believe that it is important to know that anyone can have an impact on another’s life. I know so many who have in mine so why not continue that? Yet more and more I think about the quote and realize there is so much I have put off thinking I will have time for it and now I am 46. I wonder about my dreams at 18, then 21 and 30, have I been faithful to those ideals or did I just keep saying to myself I still have time? It’s a question I will grapple with this week.

How about you?  Happy Monday!

 

Inpsiration, Journal, Legal

October 1

It’s strange to think that in just three months, 2018 will come to an end. It hits me that after 9 months, there are so many goals I didn’t even get to, and perhaps it was a stretch to try to do so much. Yet it comes down to responsibility not as in blame, but in that instead of blaming others, my failure or lack of action was due to the choices I made and no one else.  It’s strange to even say 2019, but here it is. A futuristic sounding year, and I picture what it will look like. Will it be more of the same, or will I make gains in all areas of my life?

Again, it comes back to me. Everything I desire requires work and action from me not wishful thinking. If I want to improve relations with loved ones, I get to be present. If I want success in work, I get to do good work (the referrals will come), if I want to be in service, I get to show up and do those things. Over and over again, I am reminded that if I want change in my life, it comes down to my thoughts and actions. It has never been up to others or circumstances, those are just victim stories I can tell myself to give myself excuses.

Sure, life happens, but how I deal with it is still my choice. So 3 months to, I hope to end it with a bang!

Happy October (and Monday)