Month: June 2020

Within a few days, half of 2020 will be gone.  It’s surreal to know that so much of what I planned for this year is still happening even with a quarantine. It hits me that my training to stick to my routines really laid the foundation for those many months where there is not much else I could do. I continued to be curious. I continued to work on my health. I continued enjoying good conversation and family. That’s not to say it was easy, but really that I used the tools at hand to move forward not stay stuck.

Yet it still hits that half the year is gone, and I am grateful for being here, alive, amongst loved ones doing the things that I am able to. I also know there is a lot more to do, and that’s what drives me to keep the time in mind. Rather than wallow in misery and frustration in regards to the Pandemic, I use it to push me further, to get a deeper learning, to reach out to people I haven’t in a while.

I don’t always get it right which is why its called a practice. I get each day to do the things I envision, but also remember not to get too caught up and make things into a task, something to be checked off. I get to breathe the day in, connect with my thoughts and feelings, and then go out there and make for a better day. That’s the only thing I can control.  n

So I continue to work on myself. Its half over, but it doesn’t mean I am done. Happy Monday.

Fathers Day finally ended. It used to be a day to celebrate Papa, but now it means trying to quickly scroll through all the messages about what a wonderful day it is. I don’t want to be bitter or take away from others who still get to honor and love their dads. Yet, I struggled to smile, to move past the day because it also happened to be the third death anniversary of my aunt, one of Papa’s favorite people. Two beautiful souls gone, and a day where its about loving your parents made me just want to stay in bed,

A kind of restlessness overtook me. A day I took for granted now just has become a painful reminder. I know it’s selfish of me to put it this way, but I also get to process. It’s not easy to allow myself to feel the loss. Easier to not think, or talk about it. What can any of that do?  I am like mom, quiet, taking it all in, but feeling it deep inside.

Each moment carried a heaviness. So I lay dow to breathe. Allow the pain to push down on my heart, and perhaps, maybe, just maybe, the pain would lessen. Swirling emotions throttle the words inside me and I just allow myself to miss them, to see images of them, to replay their laughters. I close my eyes, and picture them and will the day to pass. But then it hits me. Why? Neither of them would stand for this selfishness of mine. And so I breath in, and let out the pressure and just see them at their best.

Always smiling, joking. Always there. Even when not in flesh. And so I move past this restlessness. This quiet. I keep the pain and grief silent, but not my love.

Happy Fathers Day Papa. Baby Maasi, you are missed deeply.

It’s always great to witness a loved one experience a new beginning/chapter in their lives. Part of me wants to coach them, tell them all will be okay, give them tips, what to do, what to avoid, so much comes up. Yet the best thing is silence because they are in their experience. That’s a lesson I constantly struggle with. The need to tell others what to do. Sure, it makes sense in a legal sense when I am being hired, but unsolicited advice? Not so much.

I realize that so much of my stuff happened because I had support. There’s a big difference in knowing you have others to rely on and being told how to do. Some coaching works in athletics, but in life, I know that what got me moving forward into new beginnings was the belief and loves of those around me.

I have been truly blessed in the mentors, coaches, parents, wife, friends, family that allow me to dive into the unknown in different areas in my life. But only do I get to see how difficult it is to hold back when someone is doing something you have done, and you think you know better. What worked for me doesn’t mean it will work for them. Now if I am asked, I can offer words, but really jumping in and telling someone how to behave and act is not only not being fair to them, but taking away from their power.

So I end this with blessings, and being available, to not be overbearing, but just present.

Happy Monday

This weekend I lived in privilege as I got to watch the unrest, and the media coverage of Covid and now the debate raging about Floyd George. Coming from Orange County where more often not you don’t see many masks on people outside to going to West Hollywood, and seeing everyone in masks was jarring. Then to know that the looting was mere blocks again. But yet we carried on because we weren’t black, weren’t sick and were lucky to be around people who loved each other. So much privilege, and the old me would be grateful but there is now a tinge of guilt, of knowing that not being black means not dealing with shittiness in day to day life.

I am not going to preach, nor am I going to pretend I can relate because I know I cannot. All I can do in this moment is to let go of my opinions, need to talk on social media, to judge others. I just get to be. I get to use this to become a better person, to perhaps transfer some of my privilege to others, to be in service, but not now. Now is the time for expression (whether or not I agree with it or not is irrelevant). It really comes down to what will I learn from sheltering in place? What will I do that will be different after this? I can only control my actions. And so I get to let go and just be and then after this, I get to do better/