Why is it the ones we want to hear from, never seem to want to get in touch or worse dont care to? And there are others that even a few minutes can nourish you for hours on end? Last few weeks, I have been fortunate to around those who just make me feel good, and oh so little time. Thank you.
Sometimes, those 2 letters can describe my emotions better than a 100 page blog. In that word is contained days of wondering if the decisions and actions in my life really amount to nothing more than passing time while pretending to have made progress. More and more, it feels that being silent perhaps really is the best solution rather than try to explain what I would like my life to be. Its sad really, someone who has at his disposal many words, can only grunt out a word syllable.
Or maybe I have it all wrong, perhaps instead of constantly putting down letters, I start acting. But how do I begin? Or I just do and worry about the consequences later? Or maybe I have been doing just that, and really just sitting on the stool of life, and not really going anywhere. I could be just living a cartoon like moment, and being watched and the urge to just have someone tell me what to do is overwhelming. But who would Sanjay really be? Who is Sanjay anyway? And am I the Sanjay who feels the way he does or am I the one that is formed through my actions? Each day, the question comes up in one way or another, and its getting harder to answer. The fake answer is I dont know, but the real me knows that as much as I want to blame others for my misery or happiness, it really comes down to the right actions. What those are, I am still in the process of figuring, or maybe I will never figure it out.
But dammit, it gives me a goal, and for now thats worth more than anything. And one more thing, life is EH…
Maybe the title should say what more? Its what I keep asking myself as the list of things to do pile up, and yet doing the right things still does not seem to alleviate the pressure. There is hope in me that life is not hard as I have made it to be, but also a growing dismay that perhaps I have spent far too long fighting the tide of inevitability, and need to let destiny wash over me. Too long ignoring other important factors, and too long giving myself to only 1 goal. Maybe thats the problem, what I think is an end is perhaps an endless loop, or worse not meant to be.
Every day, I pray for relief and the right thing to do, and each day feels like something more is lost. That instead of asking and praying, I need to just do. Instead, I throw my words on here, hoping against hope that the answer is there. And it is, and perhaps I am asking the wrong questions. Or maybe I just dont want to believe that yet again, my old friend failure is back, grinning away, and back slapping me as if he never left.
Ofcourse, I am writing this, alone. And perhaps thats as it should be in my life…
I often wonder if the words I write have more to do with just getting the junk out of my head or a honest attempt to understand where I am in life? Ok maybe often is pushing it, but when its a good like today, you do look at the perhaps all that was needed was a bit of an attitude tune up or being just around the people you were meant to be around. Take for example, my cousin Gurjit. As much pain as I feel for what he is going through, its such a great feeling to have a little brother who is genuinely happy to have the relationships he has. I admit, I am a bit of a grouch around him, but with him there is also a certain sense of just being accepted no matter what I have done in my life. And there are others, (too many to name in my family), and ofcourse my girlfriend.
And for once, I wanted a post to be about thanks and actually reflect a good day, rather than a rehashing of the regret and pain of loss I feel in life. Today was about refreshing an old relationship, and also just spending time with loved ones. I havent gotten to them all, but I sure will try. Maybe its too much coffee or maybe the indian food hit the spot, but I feel content today. And I cant wait to maintain that feeling every day. I know i wont suceed, but I have these words to remind me what to do to jump start a day heading towards a cliff. I may not avoid getting near it, but maybe I can use letters as a brake. (confusing metaphor I know).
Oh Yea, to the ones that need to give me unsolicited opinions about my social networking status’s, seriously FUCK YOU.
Nothing like putting up old pictures, and see the past, and wonder if I could somehow pass the knowledge I have now to the old me sitting there grinning like an idiot. Its not a very original thought. Come to think of it, not much of what I say or do lately is very unique. And perhaps its as it should be. I needed to do some growing up, too long have I stayed in my thoughts instead of actions
. Its great to write about plans, things, and ideas, yet I still struggle with action. Even this is action, and its hard because its admitting that for far too long, I have used words to define myself rather than showing myself how I really am. I cringe at the fool that shows in the image, but knowing that instead of a disguise, that is the true me if I do not change, if i dont use the past to grow out of that “hat.”
But it still ends with a smile instead of regret. I was happy then, and I am getting to happiness now, and I wouldnt change those memories. I just hope I can always smile away the pain and regret.