Inpsiration, Journal, Legal

October 1

It’s strange to think that in just three months, 2018 will come to an end. It hits me that after 9 months, there are so many goals I didn’t even get to, and perhaps it was a stretch to try to do so much. Yet it comes down to responsibility not as in blame, but in that instead of blaming others, my failure or lack of action was due to the choices I made and no one else.  It’s strange to even say 2019, but here it is. A futuristic sounding year, and I picture what it will look like. Will it be more of the same, or will I make gains in all areas of my life?

Again, it comes back to me. Everything I desire requires work and action from me not wishful thinking. If I want to improve relations with loved ones, I get to be present. If I want success in work, I get to do good work (the referrals will come), if I want to be in service, I get to show up and do those things. Over and over again, I am reminded that if I want change in my life, it comes down to my thoughts and actions. It has never been up to others or circumstances, those are just victim stories I can tell myself to give myself excuses.

Sure, life happens, but how I deal with it is still my choice. So 3 months to, I hope to end it with a bang!

Happy October (and Monday)

Myself, Writing

Nightmares

failureSo had my first nightmare in a long time. It was surreal as it started in the middle. I am sure I was dreaming of something else, but I see a guy passing by, and for some reason. I call him a pussy. He keeps walking, but I know he is going to come back, and sure enough he does. I am on some stairs, and he begins walking up, and I begin blubbering that I was kidding, and didn’t mean to say what I did but like in dreams, suddenly there are 3 more people, and one grabs my hand, trying to force my wedding ring off while another grabs my watch, and then third has a razor blade. The old school kind that my father used to use when he shaved. And I start mumbling that I really didn’t mean it, but the razor keeps coming towards my right eye. The only one with a contact, and I don’t want to be blind. I don’t want to be squinting out of left eye which sees mostly blurs lately. I knew instinctively that they wanted the good eye, and as I woke up, there was an immediate fading idea that if only I had a gun to equalize the unfairness of the situation (there goes my liberal card).

The weird part is that I didn’t know any of the men well except for the first guy who suspiciously looked like the Reading Rainbow Gentleman Levar Burton (chucking anti-racist card as we speak).  Yes, I did try to figure out the dream, and I am pretty sure the entire dream was an allegory of my recent in ability to read, write or do anything workout related the past few weeks. Each day, I have this vague goal of writing and running, and while some days I am successful in writing for 20 minutes and exercising for 15, I know that’s not going to get it done if I want to be published or be in any sort of shape for the Spartan Beast which is fast approaching in September.

But, and this is a big but, I know I am doing something which is still infinitely better than the nothing I was doing before. So thanks to the Zen Habits, I practice self-compassion. I am giving myself a break even if they give me nightmares.

Myself

One More Time

Cover of "Rocky Balboa"
Cover of Rocky Balboa

 

There comes a time when you have to stop for a moment and ask yourself if this is the life you want.  Doesn’t matter when you do it or how often. For me, it’s been daily as I am not satisfied with where I am.  Maybe that feeling will never go away, and you know what , I don’t want it to. It is that feeling that makes me wake to write in the morning, to read a little something, and occasionally exercise. If I don’t make the time to be accountable for my life and where it is going, then I have no one to blame except myself. Do I fail?  All the time.  But like Rocky Balboa in part 5, I say “one more round” after getting knocked to the ground. I worry about the day I don’t do that. Life will keep punching, and if you don’t respond, you will be lying on the ground in despair. You will be knocked out and living life as if unconscious.  So get up! One more round.  That’s my motto. There’s no easy way out. There is no shortcut home. Bump up “No Easy Way Out” From Rocky 4 to get yourself pumped, and just keep punching.

Giving up is not an option! 

 

Myself, Writing

Writing 2: A Blog Post

Story of I
Image via Wikipedia

Finally did my morning pages after a few months and thought I would share with you:

same, the random ideas come but nothing stays long enough for me to jot down.  I am still struggling with the idea of writing something and time is growing near.  I am almost 40 without a story to my credit. I want to be published dammit.  What can I do to seduce you back?  Why have you abandoned me?  What do you need to flourish inside of me?  Work is not me, you are me yet you hide, devise ways to stay away, making me seem incapable, unwilling to start putting something down for posterity.  It is as if you are afraid that I will misuse you, abuse your nature, blunting the truth down to ignorance.   What can I do to show you that I am more than capable, that I will be to true to you and no other?  Our dance has gone on too long, the flirtation now a joke.  It is time to commit to each other, to make it a real marriage.  I do not know how to get flush you out, to get you to give me the words to show my truth.  Instead, you have given me only silence and small teasers of what could be, wriggling away from my grasp whenever I come close to you.  Enough!  I need you. I want you.  I desire you like nothing else.  Come back to me. Make me whole.  Make me right.

#30trust, Myself

Speak Less, Do More/Ask Less, Act More

Project Management Knowledge Areas
Image via Wikipedia

It’s funny that this topic about un-acted projects came up because due to this exercise, I am finally beginning on a project that has been on the back burner for months.  The main reason for it has been lack of focus and my emotional insistence that it is a huge project that I do not have time or knowledge for.  But yesterday, as I spent 20 minutes just breaking it down into smaller pieces, it hit me that the project had been HUGE in my mind but in reality was something quite doable if broken down and done little by little (how do you eat an elephant? piece by piece).

Just like my life, I have made it more complicated than needed, ignoring the reality that everything in my life is a combination of being blessed, luck, and hard work.  I am luckier than most, yet that does not explain away the success that has been around me.  When I am honest with myself, it’s my passion for music, friendship, love and family that have gotten me the benefits surrounding me.  I am well aware of how arrogant this post sounds yet that’s not really the intention.  It is just that I need to remind myself occasionally that I had a lot to do with my drive to be better and chances I have received in my life.  It has been much too each to defer to others and think they know me better than I know myself, but the real truth is that I have picked the advice that suits me best, ignoring others and that has been the key to who I am today.

P.S: Only 10 days left to the Ralph Waldo Emerson writing challenge and I am already eager to take on another so starting checking out http://www.meetup.com so I can become part of a writing group. 🙂

Myself

Bridge: A Blog Post

by Jemal Yarbrough

As I look at the beautiful picture done by my best friend Jemal, I realize how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life.  Sure, there were some days when I felt as if I was besieged and just taken advantage of, yet the reality was that no one did anything out of the ordinary.  It’s just that my perception of life has made question some basic things in my life such who are my friends?  I put so much importance in being liked that I forgot that no one can make you bad about yourself without your consent.

I realize now that I was unhappy with myself, and for that the only changed that was needed on my ability to deal with it.  Work has transformed into something I want to expand on, going out on new things a passion, working out so I can get the body I want a habit that I am unwilling to compromise for anyone.  I am now also around people who enable me my good habits rather than regret my past and my new decisions in life.  There are some in my life who are so unhappy with themselves that nothing I say or do can change that.  You know what, that’s their problem not mine.

I cannot change anyone except for myself, and until I do I will constantly be worried or annoyed about things that do not matter.  There are some near me in need of severe guidance but it’s not my job to fix them.  As hard as that is sometimes to recognize, I now know that I can only be there if needed or asked.  I was overly involved or affected by others and their habits when in fact the real culprit was my frustration with my failures or inability to get things done.  I can only be a bridge if people choose to use me as that tool.  I cannot force them to do things that they are unwilling or incapable of doing.  Does that mean I don’t care?  No, just that I no longer will interfere.  Just like the beautiful bridge, I will be here for the crossing when asked. 🙂