September 2015 – Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

It has been a surreal week as I visit my studios, miss the wife, accept the Spartan race is this coming Saturday and get my butt kicked at crossfit. Why surreal? Because I still feel I am not doing enough. I am not present. I am all over the place. I am not writing. I am not being a good husband, friend, brother, son. The list goes on and on. And for a moment, I felt as if I am drowning, and then I take a breath. I start my days with meditation and ground myself.

I am enough. I will make mistakes. I am not perfect. I cannot control life. I will let people down. I am not defined by my past. Only the present matters.

Each step I take is one towards betterment. Each moment an opportunity to learn. Mistakes are lessons. It is easier to beat myself up then take credit for things. This week, I also decided to not take up a volunteer opportunity because I keep distracting myself. What I get to do is simplify. I get to be there for the ones that matter especially my partner. I get to be present. I get to stop avoiding. I see now that too often I am quick to jump on things and even though noble, they allow me distractions rather than me facing the difficult things in life. I also need to stop enabling, stop the toxicity. I get to take responsibility. I get to not drown.

I struggle churchill2 daily dealing with the feeling of failure. Most times, I see it too late what I could have done differently. I admit, more times than not I go into victim mode, feeling sorry for myself or helpless. I believe what I think others make me out to be. I become the Sanjay who disappoints, who fails, who is selfish, uncaring, who only sees his own pain. Yet all that is my interpretation. It is also easy to do. It is easy to just feel sorry for myself, to blame myself, to say so many negative things to myself. The truth is that no one can say anything worse that I don’t say to myself. I am my own worse critic. Sometimes, it is ok, but more often than not, it can choke me into inaction and uncertainty.

The thing about leaping into many things is the constant self-doubt. I also tend to cocoon myself and not talk to my loved ones. I don’t tell my wife why something is important or what I am thinking. I take it all in, and just act as if nothing bothers me while inside I am suffocating. Yet I fail to do the simplest thing which is get grounded, remember that I am fallible, that I am loveable, that I am full of promises and capable of good and bad. It’s all a package. I could wallow, and while it can feel good in a sick way, it does nothing to solve what needs to change.

So I get to shift, leave those thoughts behind. Know I have this moment, and only this moment and what I choose to do in it is up to me. I could wallow or I could shift. So I shift. And shift, and shift until the Sanjay I beat up on is left behind, and the one standing in front is the courageous one, the one who finishes. The one who shifts into possibility and responsibility.