Each morning I pray for a good day, and more often than not I manage to screw it up somehow. And I think perhaps I am praying to the wrong person or just shifting the responsibility of my actions and emotions to someone else. I know I am loved and cared for by many, however my choices in some areas can become problematic. The past few weeks have taught me determination, and in some ways new habits that I hope to retain for the future. I watch my money, I have begun working out, and I am trying to be a better boyfriend, and family member. But its hard to begin when I have left too many things hanging out there, and even as I try to rein my days in, I am caught up with my past mistakes. Its like I begin to run and my mistakes are standing in my path. Sure, I can close my eyes, and pretend I dont see them, however reality always manages to trip me up.
Dont get me wrong, I feel good about certain changes in my life, however I am still struggling with others. And those are the ones that create so much anxiety, and I know once I deal with them I will feel better. Or will I? Is the path to victory based on rectifying past mistakes or is it recognizing that you are making excuses about bad behavior, and the only way to fix them is to do a hard stop. Both seem appetizing when I am so down that even hoping seems like an exercise in futility. And then small things will somehow come in my way. A nice comment from someone unexpected, the joy of brushing my dog, and lately the triump of just getting things done.
They all seem to help, but it still seems that I cant help myself or others. That all this is just an illusion until the next time I fall into despair’s pit. But I carry on. I have to. Too long I have given up, and not just not given a damn, and for far too long, I have been blaming my emotions when really its my actions at fault. So each night, I go to bed, and wake up determined to pray for a new day, and hopefully, maybe, just a bit I will act the person I should be.