Month: January 2021

49 sounds surreal to me, but it is here, close the milestone of 50 which God willing I will reach. I have so much to be grateful for, so much abundance, and knowledge and pain and experience, and love that it does not seem possible that I am where I am. Which is exactly where I need to be.

Yet I still have a ways to go, and before I would moan and groan, now I look forward to the challenge of life, of struggle, of uncertainty, of being wrong, being write, being open, shedding old ideas, beliefs and people. So much of my fear of failure guided me where I a now, but it is now replaced with determination and the realization that failure or lack of success are the best teachers. If everything came easy then what would I learn?

And that is the truth that I didn’t want face. Because of my amazing family, a lot of things did come easy and now I realize that it took me far longer to learn some lessons I should have learned way earlier. But I now see that recognizing even that is a step in the right direction. I may be a young 49 mentally, but I am older, and I am learning, growing, experimenting, loving and at the end of the day that’s all matters.

So here’s to being close to 50, to knowing that I am past half the the life I will live, and to make the best of it like my father and go out smiling, laughing, drinking, loving, experimenting and gathering new experiences.

Happy Monday

Last week I managed to hurt myself in a ridiculous way through my ego. For the past few weeks my forearm and elbow began to hurt which suggested tennis elbow. My chiropractor told me to do less or no lifting, but that meant no crossfit, an unacceptable solution. So I got treatment, and resolved to get it worked on aggressively.

The came a workout requiring heavy dumbbells, and my good friend challenged me lift the recommended weight (50 pounds.) My ego doesn’t allow me to tell him about my tennis elbow or my uncertainty that maybe that wasn’t the best idea. So I went for it, and despite the twinges the workout went great.

I sprayed and wiped down the weights and then walked over to the rack them, but my righr arm, sore from the exertion, and the tennis elbow flaring up couldn’t hold on, and I dropped the weight on top of left finger. And in that silly way I not only managed my first broken bone (well fingertip) but also guaranteed I won’t be at crossfit for weeks.

And so in my quest to be better, I ignored things, wasn’t present because it was easier to believe in the fantasy that the main would go away by some miracle. Rather than make the smart choice, I crossed over into lala land because it served the story inside my ego and head better. Its frustrates me because as much as I have grown, this tells me I have much, much further to go.

I love the smell of a first monday of a new year. So much possibility hangs in the air. I can’t wait to get up and get to the things I want to do to make a better version of myself. Yet I also have to remind myself that I am not in this journey alone, and while some days that makes me impatient, I also know that I need the buy-in from the ones affected by my decisions.

So, in a sense, it is also a beginning of communication, of sharing what’s on my mind. Too often, I rush ahead, and I assume that people around me know of my destination just by seeing my direction, but it can be isolating. It can also be a bit too focused on my needs and wants rather than taking into consideration of how others will handle my decisions.

This is not to say I have to change myself, but really I have to change how I share what’s coming up for me. I have to show what inspires me, why I am driven to do certain things over and over, and my struggles with long overdue tasks and goals.

It’s not just a beginning of a new year, but a chance to do things differently or afresh. A beginning for relationships, for work, for hobbies, for goals, for really anything that matters to me. And so I start, and I hope you do.

Happy Monday!