I don’t say his name, but each morning, his is the first name that pops up while I express gratitude for my life. The morning quiet was his time, and now it has become mine. Each day could become a struggle if not for the strong network of people in my life. Also my willingness to share, but I gotta tell you, it is still hard not to feel like a fraud when all I feel is a deep regret and sadness that I did not get to say goodbye.
He had a great life. He was loved, and he loved fearlessly. I know that intellectually and even emotionally, but I cannot help wanting that last moment, one last time to tell him how I truly felt.
The holidays are a great reminder about what you have, but they also underscore what you don’t have. It’s a strange time as there are no words to express what’s going inside me at such a beautiful time of the year. My only concern is not to ruin it for the ones who celebrate, to not have my heart and soul get in the way of their happiness.
And so I ground myself by taking a deep breath, becoming present, and knowing the first Christmas is the hardest, but it will get easier. I will hurt less. I will speak more about it, and that’s okay. This too shall pass.
For now: One day at a time.