Month: June 2008

I remember when I turned legal.  It was when I got my license, and the first time I was pulled over.  And in that instant, I became an adult as well learned the consequences of being 18.  But the moment was joyous because I was into a new world.  And today, I am 18 again in another way, and even though there are consequence, it is with a sense of happiness because we have crossed a threshold. 

Anniversaries have a way of making us look back, and really consider the present.  The road is sure paved with potholes, but it also has directions.  It may be a bumpy road but we are still getting near to our destination.  Getting to a number is a sign of change and also expectation.  18 is one of those numbers where a whole relationship is defined as is a person.  What was once child;s play now turns into serious business.  What was acceptable as a child is seen an immature and irresponsible on an adult.

18 is a long road to get to for some, and while the promises of love and greatness there, it is still a tumultous time.  So thought I look like an adult, there is still that child in me that needs to learn, and get better.  The rules have changed for us, and the excuses have to go away.  18 brings about a sense of responsibility regardless of whether we are ready for them or not.  Experience is the only help we have now, and ofcourse love. 

We begin again in a way, anniversaries have a way of doing that.  And yet another chance to fix what is so obvious all along.  What seemed simple is complicated because the emotions are the same but the actions different.  The love is there but pain is trying to drown it.  And its why its important sometimes to just have a do over. 

Midnight approaches, and even though a miracle wont happen, a date will.  A rememberance of the time past, and a chance to grow up.  It may sound familiar but I will become an adult.  I will try harder.  I will be 18.  I hope I can learn from my mistakes and be the happiness for the ones who expect it from me.  I made countless promises, and now its time to grow up.  18

Happy Anniversary Babu.  I love you.

Constantly, I live my life’s mistakes over, and I wonder when will it ever end.  And then I add to those mistakes so what was once a solo mistep has now defined me.   Perhaps it is best I am alone, you only need one person to beat up on you, and I think I am doing a great job at that.  My life a cliche?  It will be until I either change my actions or become someone new.  But where does one begin?  Where do I say that ok I have hit rock bottom, and now I can being again?  And then there is the nagging perception that others wont let go of my past, they cant see me who I am now, and then I falter.  But I do make mistakes, and I admit them, in a way thats all I can do is admit them, and somehow that has become a weakness, another reason to be defined.  So I am thinking that perhaps, I just let time ride me out for a while, let others feel as they do, and I contrinue to be who I am. 

But then thats always the question, isnt it? Who am I?  Friend? Boyfriend? Son? Failure?  Faker? Disturbed?  Or am I am collection of all those parts to become a hole or a whole? In these times, all I have these words, because thats I can manage to spill out.  My feelings are another matter.  They are now a blackhole of emptiness, and pain.  Its better that I pretend that I dont exist then to dwell on them  But they are around the corner, always peeking at me.  I hurt and I hurt others close to me, and then I have this “what me?” attitude.  Just feel alone, and perhaps that is best because I cant seem to make anyone happy lately. 

Alone.  It defines me. 

You ever get the feeling that you hear the same advice day in and day out, and the problem isnt the people giving it, but its the failure for it to sink in. 

Eh, tired, never mind

Finally, back home, a word that I havent used for the house I have been living in the past year.  Somehow, it drew me in and compelled me to clean it because the first thought when I walked in, was man my home is dirty.  And there it was.  I finally belonged to something I wholly owned, and in the feverish of clearing away books and washing dishes, there was a sense of peace, a blanket of completeness, something I thought could only come from another.  But 4 walls suddenly hugged me, and made me feel like for once, it was a good day, a day of learning, accomplishment, and helpling my little brother out.  Only thing missing was a piece of my heart who was working away, and it surprised me that we hadnt heard each others voices since morning.  And then realization nudged away that perhaps it can be done, perhaps time apart will bring us closer, and I cringe at the cliche I have become. 

So here I am, drinking a beer, saluting myself to a clean house, to a job attended to, and a dear one helped.  And the missing was missed as usual but not forgotten.  I can hope for more days like this only so I dont drown her and myself in self-pity.  Who knew, work and home, the new pillars of my strenght?  Or maybe it was just a lucky day, here is a toast to ending this meaningful day in a way I will remember longer than this post.

Home sweet home.  3 new words that I can say to myself instead of I love you.  Perhaps there is salvation in that. 

The look was there, the attention was on me, and yet nothing was heard.  I screamed in silence.  Silence screamed back at me.  Some times words just are not enough to say what you need to, or maybe its how I say it.  To me, everything gushing out is crystal clear, but it might as well be that I am splattering mud on your face.  Pain, Anger, Sadness surround me, and in the middle of that bandwagon, I realize that Silence is my only friend.  And that quietens me.  And deadens me at the same time.  I wonder how long before I reach a point where I backstab silence and get on the horse of selfishness.  After all, that is all what my pain is, isnt it.  My worries, my fears, my hurt, my wanting and needing, me, me me, the whole thing revolves around me.  And it is why silence is such a great cloak so it wrap away this egotistical present of mine. 

I look forward to the day I bury silence along with insecurity, worry and my past.  After all, we have all dreams and desires, why cant mine be the impossible? Why not, huh? I deserve more, dont I? I can do better, cant I?  I can be loved the way I want to be loved, right? Right?!!!

Silence. 

It doesnt take much for the past to yank me back.  A whiff..an unhurried backward glance..or just the nostalgia of music can make me feel as if nothing has changed.  In that frozen moment, it’s hard not to believe that life was best back then.  And then another memory snaps you back to reality that all was wishful thinking of how we wished our past to be.  Dont get me wrong, I have lived a life that many have envious of, and also created a life that many wouldnt wish upon their worst enemies.

Lately, I seem to be living in the past with some of the recent events in my life, and its so hard to be truthful about it.  In fact, I seem to have frozen my reactions to a certain degree so I can see her smile.  Her happiness means the world to me while I feel like I am riding a ragged wind of pain.  It must be love when pain is your new significant other but your cheating on it by smiling for another’s happiness.  Her smile is all that matters for that moment, and yet I choke down sadness into my pillow.  I breathe for her so she can have a life, and I pretend to sleep so she can rest easy. 

We are all judged for our actions, and I am paying for the ones I hurt.  There are many, but I have also been hurt, and I now have only truth now to save me from lying to myself and to her.  And yet I press on, because thats we all do best which is live.  And I have to believe that one day this too will become just a small whiff, and I will make believe that even this time was not so bad. 

Lies, what would we do without them?