Brownness

On Uncertainty

Another quiet morning, A new week begins. The tasks written down for the week along with the daily ones spelled out for today yet uncertainty prevails. A growing anxiety for new things never done, new learnings, a distant future coming closer, another anniversary, planning for upcoming travel, I waver and keep thinking of all the things that need to be taken care of, the people to support, the goals to be achieved.

Over and over, I go over the things, my dreams filled with to do lists, but the foundation is the uncertainty, of not knowing how it will all turn out, even though experience tells me that usually things are never as bad or as difficult as I expect them to be. So really the not being sure is more a low level anxiety that pushes me forward, ensures that I don’t take things for granted. Too much of those feelings can stifle me, make me hesitant to take even a simple step or move me to procrastinate or engage in social media rather than real work.

And so it comes down to becoming aware, to focusing on the present, to defining or fleshing things out or diving into the tasks, slashing away the web of inaction and worry, creating new steps, new ways to get to my destination. There are times when the repetition of these feelings exhausts me, makes me want to continue to snooze, to lay in bed and get back to dreamless sleep, but the pounding brain and heart thrum with uncertainty so, in defeat, I fling the the blanket and get up to face the day.

And in this morning quiet, a steely determination grows, to fight the vines of uncertainty, to cut them away with tasks, action, and acknowledgment. I start a new day, inviting the lack of certainty to guide me to new goals, dreams and growth.

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