Month: October 2013

Myself

Directionless

Sanjay Sabarwal
Bridge Over Norwalk Blvd.
Bridge Over Norwalk Blvd. (Photo credit: savemejebus)

“Hey Mister” the latin accented voice loudly called out to me. I removed my headphones and glanced to my right to see 2 older gentleman in a dusty car looking at me expectantly. I leaned in towards the passenger window. “Do you know where La Mirada is?” the driver asked. I opened my mouth and drew a blank. Nothing came to mind. I wanted to say that I used to drive there daily to go see my sister and brother-in-law, but standing on Norwalk Blvd around 10am on a Saturday, it simply did not exist in my mind.  I have always been bad at directions, but after my surgery, I have become TERRIBLE. I seem to now lack the mental image we create to see one’s location, and have become so heavily reliant on the navigation that even getting off an earlier exit due to traffic causes me undue stress.

The men tried so speak to me in Spanish, thinking I didn’t understand English, and after I still faltered, they gave up and moved ahead. I walked the rest of the time devastated and angry at myself for failing at this simple task. Over and over, I kept repeating to myself what I could or should have said.  After 5 minutes. I realized they were headed in the wrong direction, and it seemed apt for a moment. I seem to point people in the wrong direction. At least for once, I was not at fault.   Yet I oddly felt unsettled as if all my work to make my mental abilities stronger, there were some black holes that I just cannot seem to get out of. I don’t know what other challenges I will continue to face, but one thing is for sure. I am not giving up.

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Family, Myself, Random

Walking Dreams

Sanjay Sabarwal

A gray morning. Perfect for my fuzzy thoughts as I pulled Bella along our 2 mile walk (the pedometer on my iphone told me so). I wondered what my obsession was with tracking all that I did lately.  As if the pedometer made the walk real, or it made it more than me just being the valet for my dog to take her shits’ which I dutifully scooped up. Or perhaps it was a way to distract myself from seeing the hurt on my parent’s face as they still processed what someone close to us had done. We don’t mention their names anymore, but that doesn’t make them disappear, in fact, it makes the hurt deeper. Their recent actions now are scrutinized under new lenses, and it makes me wonder when they began resenting or perhaps even hating us to do this.  I want to ask why they didn’t tell us what they wanted, but maybe they didn’t want our input or perhaps wanted to get away from our shadow to mark their own territory.

Yet I know that stepping on someone’s back to get up maybe OK occasionally, but not to break it. Each day, I want to text or email them ranting away, but really it’s just pain I want to get out. The pain of lost holidays, and the loss of seeing their faces. The number of relationships that we thought were made of love now just a shared last name. And Bella keeps tugging, the pedometer keeps recording steps, and I struggle to be grateful for the rising sun, and the slowly awakening street. I as for forgiveness for my unkind thoughts, and ask for the strength to forgive who just threw away a relationship like an empty wrapper.

I turn on the app TuhiTuhi, and I get lost in the voice of Veer Manpreet Singh, and for the next 15 minutes I just listen with an open heart and express my gratitude for being still being on this earth, still having the ability to walk my dog just 9 months after brain surgery. It hits me that I am recording everything because I wish to remember that I am not sitting idle. I am not letting life pass by, but am trying to live it each day to the best of my ability. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

Brownness

Thought For The Day

Sanjay Sabarwal

Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Sorry its late team, for some reason it did not send yesterday and today.  As always do not forget to give feedback if there’s a particular thought for the day you would like me to share 🙂

The Wolves Within

An old Grandfather, whose grandson came to him with anger at a schoolmate who had done him an injustice, said, "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times."
He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take…

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Family, Myself, Random

Disconnected

Sanjay Sabarwal
English: on skullcandy
English: on skullcandy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It was a beautiful morning yesterday.   Wisps of wind traveled around me, and the sun pierced jaggedly through scattered clouds. It was chilly by Southern California standards (69 degrees or so), but one filled with small bursts of heat. Bella was busy sniffing at each clump of grass as it was something wondrously new, and at that moment I could honestly say I was grateful for what I had in life. I saw this girl on a swing, going back and forth but something was different. She couldn’t have been more than 10, but she was glued to a phone. I wondered what had to happened to just experiencing things for what they are. What is this need to amplify every experience we have by posting it on social media or just mindlessly do it while we miss out on true beauty on us?  As I looked down upon her, my headphones squawked to let me know a call was coming. Shit! I had my headphones on, and while I defensively thought that I was listening to Shabads, the truth was that I was no different from that little girl.

It struck me that I have been walking for weeks, and because of my headphones, I barely managed a hello to strangers or to the old Indian cross guard who always smiles and seems like he wants to say something more to me. In a sense, I have been using the headphones to disconnect myself from the outside world.  I want that time to catch up on Umano or listen to Simran so as much as I would like to be friendlier, it struck me that I want these early morning walks just for me and Bella. As someone who has taken a break from social media, I find myself that I am no longer aimlessly scrolling through countless updates about what people had eaten for the day (something that I am notoriously guilty of doing myself), and that I have found other ways to fill in that empty time by catching up on the New Yorker, Men’s Fitness and Poet and Writers. It’s funny how more and more of us are becoming disconnected by posting things up on Social media in the hopes of finding validation. We are no longer engaging in conversations or connections. We are just pounding on the chest that we are HERE! LOOK AT ME!  At some point, that just doesn’t do it for me anymore.  Don’t get me wrong, I do miss knowing about friends and family, but I have found that I can always text or whatsapp them, and in the end that has made all the difference.

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Brownness

Family and Betrayal

Sanjay Sabarwal
Lady Jayne: Killer
Lady Jayne: Killer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This past week, my family found out about a betrayal that really shook us up.  I wish I go into details for those of you who love gossip (and the betrayers), but I also know that will just make things worse. All week,  I have watched the hurt on my parents face’s. I know my best friend doesn’t understand what the big deal is. At first, I was annoyed with him but yesterday I watched Soul Connection 34  by BK Shivani which happened to be on Betrayal and Forgiveness (no such as coincidence as Sumita would say). In a nutshell, the episode states that when we say someone has betrayed our trust, what we really mean is that they have behaved differently from how we want them to be. And all we are doing is creating negative emotions and energy that hurt us not the other person. What we really need to do is forgive ourselves.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that what the betrayers did was right, but our negative feelings only make us feel lower. They make us less calm. They make us drift from the present. They make me want to yell, shout and really wonder what family means.  To me, it has become quite clear who my family is, and while there are some in my life who feel like they will never be family, what they don’t know is that they are even closer. As if I breathe them with each thought and feeling in my life. I almost wish they could read my soul, but I digress.

And to the ones who picked money over family, they just don’t exist in my life anymore. They cut the cord, and instead of me hanging on or around, I am letting them go. I wish I was big enough to wish them luck, but they have made it clear that they want nothing from me or my family. So Goodbye it is. May you find what you are looking for.

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Diet

The Human Yo Yo

Sanjay Sabarwal
4HourBody
4HourBody (Photo credit: MsLynnLewis)

So this week I began the 4 hour body diet. The previous week I did the Culver City Steps and the week before that I signed up for the Turkey trot in which I asked others to join. There weren’t any takers, but as soon I mentioned the 4 hour body diet, I heard a few snarky comments such as “aren’t you doing enough already?” to which my immediate response was no. The last few years, I have  been a yo yo between being in the best shape of my life to well…being not so good. I could use my subdural hematoma and brain surgery as an excuse for why I have gained weight, but truth be told, I had completely given up being good at eating and working out. It all seemed so pointless if all I did was get into shape, and then blow back up. I am luckier than most that I do shed pounds fast, yet with each yo-yo, I see that it is getting harder. The things that I could get away with, I no longer can. I either have to stick to a diet and workout regiment or not.

I also know I am my harshest judge, and people who have not seen me in months invariably will comment on weight loss, but I know I was at my dream goal of 190 pounds at the beginning of the year. I am currently 215, and it just weighs me down. I want to just say fuck it and eat to my heart’s content, but it’s really more than just being heavy, I want to be healthy. I want to be the best in-shape 41-year-old around. It really comes down to me and how I see myself.  Until the person I see when I close eyes is not in front of the mirror, I am will keep pushing myself even if it makes me a human yo-yo.

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