It feels ever present, yet there are times when I can almost forget he isn’t here anymore. Times when I laugh at the times we had together, times we argued, his nicknames for him from calling me an Owl to silly barks when I said something. I get a lot of my silliness from him. It never occurred to me that while time passes, its still hard for me to talk about him to others.
Better to hold it in, to let it burn inside because it seems pointless to let it out. So I go on with my life, feeling the loss, his absence at the family events, meals and conversations. Me seeing so much of him in me, from love of music, to trying overly hard with gifts that when I think of it are not quite right or music compilations or playlists which start off great, but then with impatience meander into obscure or song that sound like something I might like.
Confusion reigns inside me. Easier to just keep on going, pretending, missing, swallowing emotions whole because it seems like overkill to keep talking about feeling the loss still. three years gone by yet it feels raw,a bit less pain but he remains as vivid in my mind.
I see him in my quiet moments in the morning now that I wake up like him or when I walk the dog,or I take a power nap like him or tease mom about her cooking. The loss lingering inside, but outside the smile, and all is well vibe goes on strong.
Each day rolls along and I dread the coming hours because the pain grows, but feels hard to share. I don’t have the words anymore. It feels like I have said too much already or not enough or the right words aren’t there. It feels like a betrayal of the soul to even write this music.
The desire to keep quiet, private,inside, to not allow others to pity me or offer solace, my burden to bear. My regret to keep reliving.
I miss you, Papa