Brownness

A Strange Journey

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This year has brought me strange gifts. From appreciating loved ones, to falling in love with working out in a different way to establishing closer friendships with people who a few years ago were just familiar faces.

I am grateful for it all. Even the pain, the sadness, the frustration, and most of all, the rejection. But not in the way you might read this. I rejected being content. I rejected doing what’s comfortable. I rejected avoiding tough conversations. I rejected focusing on being right. I rejected the stories/excuses/games I played and did the harder thing.

It can be lonely sometimes, but then I remember that I am surrounded by so many who are invested in my success, happiness and love that all I have to do is open my mouth.

And that has been the strangest journey of all. To seek support. To express my fears, and frustrations. But the fear has subsided as each time I opened up people showed up, they heard me.

And so I plan on continuing this strange journey.

Brownness

Getting Used to Loss

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. It’s hard to believe the loss of another friend, a mentor, someone who has been around in my life for decades and just like that: no more. More death, more grieving. It hits me that as I get near to 50, this is something that is going to happen regularly yet this one is hard to believe.

Someone who I emulated, did all the things I am doing health wise and still not here anymore to enjoy the fruits. I get that we pay for our past actions in some ways, but this one, this one is difficult to swallow. Was it better to just keep doing the wrong thing. Is that the lesson?

Or is that the person went happy even though the time was immensely short here. Was it worth it? I struggle with these questions while new challenges and options come up.

Sometimes it just seems pointless to be on this trackwheel called life. It seems to lead nowhere, and yet sometimes it drops you at paths never imagined.

I miss you, my friend. I miss you, and I will do right by you. I will make you a lesson in own life, but I so wish I didn’t have to learn it by losing you.

Brownness

Life Events

This past week I got a chance to participate in my first pandemic influenced wedding, and to call it strange would be a huge understatement. But you know what didn’t change? The love, the laughter, the crying, the stress of being on time, all the things that take place during multiple occasions.

And then just like that, it’s over and a certain sadness looms in the rooms when just hours early so much joy was shared. And then there I got some news about a beautiful soul transitioning from this planet. At first, a small numbness and then memories flooded in about someone who has been around all my life and even longer.

I found it interesting that while one person begins a new journey as a husband, another is reaching their time here. Both events caused pain, joy , sorrow, but most of all a appreciation of being to experience them at all. Sometimes words can’t make up for what’s inside me so I choose to just feel.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A Tumultuous Weekend

Last friday was my dad’s 4th death anniversary. It’s a strange thing to write because I’d much rather write how he lived not the day he transitioned from this planet.  But it’s also good to mark the day because it allowed me to check in with myself and other loved ones so we could celebrate him once again. And in the midst of there, there was another reminder that I have loved ones coping with other things that may need support with.

Sometimes I forget that people make things look easy or handled or just because it is out of my sight, it means all is well. This weekend was a reminder that I get to continue to check in, to empathize, to ask “are you all right?” “how can I support?”  “I hear you”  “What’s coming up for you?”

I tend to confuse empathy with trying to fix things people. I keep forgetting that people get to be in their experience, and I get to allow them to get their feelings out. There is no right or wrong, but it does mean that I get to show up for the ones that I love. It means being aware to not be so caught up in my own stuff that I forget to be there for others.

While the weekend began on a sad but celebratory note, it definitely ended with a bang as wedding celebrations for my brother in law began. It was a great reminder that even in these crazy times, it’s possible to connect and/or reconnect with loved ones albeit socially distanced and masked.

Happy Monday

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

An Ideal Life

This morning I got a chance to talk about an ideal life. When I thought about it, I realized I am as close as to that as possible with the exception of children and having published a novel. Yes those were nice to have’s, but what’ in my life now took several decades to get to. From being a full fledged attorney to being able to lunch with my mom and in laws at a moments notice to having old friendships that are getting better with age, and an evolving marriage, there is not much I would change.

Sure, there are those who are gone who enriched my life, but they also left me with lessons and companionship that led to my current life. Is it perfect? Far from it? But is my life earned? That’s for damn sure. I know I could always want more in terms of things, money, etc, but the way my heart and soul feel means more to me.

And so I begin a new week, knowing I am living the best version possible for me.

Happy Monday!

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Discomfort

This past weekend, I as quietly berating myself for all that I didn’t get to. I looked at my to do list, and so much of it was left uncrossed. I wondered what the hell I was doing with my time when it hit me that there was so much I did that made me uncomfortable, forced me to learn something new, pushed myself when I didn’t think I could do something. So I put away the task list, and just made a new list of all that I did that week, really just took in the week and it hit me that the old me would have never imagined how many different ways I had found to make put myself in discomfort.

I find it easy to look at all that I did not get done. In my quest to cross off things, I often forget to track my progress. Take crossfit. I have been crossfitting for the past 3 years, and only yesterday did I manage my first Rx (recommended) weight for a workout, and that was only after urging from three different people.

I get to take time to take it in. We all do. We need to stop looking at all the undone things, and really check in where we are at the current moment. We get to acknowledge ourselves. We get to give ourselves prop for doing the things we don’t want to do, but do them anyway. We get to high five ourselves when we get up at at the first or the third snooze of the alarm and do something in the morning that seems like a chore even if it’s as simple as taking the dog for a walk or jumping in the shower.

In these times, it’s easy to bemoan the heat, fires, hurricanes, elections. the pandemic and lose sight of our own daily actions. The world is a scary place if you allow it to be, or perhaps, just perhaps you focus on finding discomfort and growing. I choose the latter.

What will you do?