Food For Thought, Inpsiration

A Rough Day

Yesterday was not an easy day. It’s been over 8 months since Papa has been going, yet it still feels so raw. Mostly because I haven’t allowed myself to process my grief. It’s just easier to look at the unfairness of things, to be snippy at others at their “luck” of having dads still.

My selfishness knows no bounds when it comes to my emotions and thoughts. I buried myself in feeling sad and sorry for myself, yet it hit me as I hiked Hellman Trail yesterday that my father would have hated me this way. He was a happy-go-lucky guy who would try anything to make his loved ones smile. So not was I dishonoring his memory, I upset others with my crappy attitude.

Then a beautiful message from my wife hit me to my core, and I lived yesterday with a new sense of urgency: to not waste time and energy on things I cannot change. Then I also noticed how so many had reached out, and the most I could muster was a lame thank you. It is in times of need that I sometimes truly forget that I am never alone. I just make myself feel that way which only serves the selfish need inside me to dwell rather than take responsibility.

So each day will be a focus on less feeling sorry for myself, and then finding way to be in service to others. It’s what my father would have wanted.

family law, Legal

When is a gift a gift? Legal Reasons #53

It is far too often I hear from estranged spouses who speak of partners who have taken back birthday gift, wedding rings or anything during their marriage because they are hurt and/or angry.When you get married, you agree to share more than your feelings and the bathroom — you also share property with your spouse.  California law defines community property as any asset acquired or income earned by a married person while living with a spouse. Separate property is defined as anything acquired by a spouse before the marriage, during the marriage by gift, devise, or bequest, and after the parties separate

Separate property belongs only to one spouse.  The most common forms of separate property are:

  • property one spouse owned before the marriage
  • gifts received by one spouse before or during the marriage

The gift or inheritance is likely to be separate property if the following are true:

1. One spouse was the intended heir or gift recipient

Property acquired during marriage by gift, will, or inheritance is separate property. (Section 21 of the California Constitution, California Family Code Section 752)

Except as otherwise provided by law, neither spouse has any interest in the separate property of the other. (California Family Code Section 770)

2. The gift or inheritance was not commingled

If separate and community property are commingled in such a manner that “the respective contributions cannot be traced and identified, the entire fund or property—including property acquired in exchange therefor—will be treated as community property. (California Family Code Section 760)

Food For Thought, Inpsiration

Firsts of Many Firsts

This coming Father’s day will be my first without Papa. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t a stark reminder that I don’t have mine or that I am not one either.  For all that I do, and for my all to do lists and the wonderful moments in my life., it’s hit me that I don’t allow myself the time to sit there with my grief. It’s easier to keep moving, to keep doing, from working out to writing, to driving to the studios, to taking on new clients to planning things yet there is a deep pain that I find hard to express.

Sitting in therapy, I complained to my therapist how I get weepy at the strangest times particularly when I listen to the Rocky Soundtrack as I head to Crossfit.  As the music comes, and I pick up the speed to the gym, tears suddenly come as if I’ve opened a forgotten valve. When asked when was the last time I sat in silence, it came out that it was during that time to the gym or early mornings when I do my morning pages when it’s just me, the quiet and the screen. It is only then I allow myself the time to be with my thoughts and feelings. And most times, it is not a place I wish to be at.

Yet I also know it needs to happen. Too much stuff has gone by without me sitting with it and just FEELING. It’s easier to be doing, yet if I don’t process then I cannot move forward. So yea, this is the first Fathers day without Papa, but it’s also a first that I get to celebrate him anyway.  He doesn’t need to be around physically to be honored. He is in my heart.

 

family law, Legal

Getting Divorced When Angry/Hurt: Legal Reasons #52

Making the decision to separate from your partner is a personal decision that many often struggle with before going forward. However,  I also have gotten potential clients who call seeking dissolution because they had a “huge fight” with their partner. I always caution others that matters like this cannot be done in heat of the moment.

Few months ago, someone filed then reconciled with their partner. Although I was glad to hear it, I wondered if they should have gone through that process before spending thousands of dollars and changing their mind. This is not to suggest that people don’t change their mind, but making an emotional decision while still in the throes of an argument or hurt means that once things calm down, they may regret their decision.  Making the decision to end a marriage based on irreconcilable differences is one only a couple knows about, yet it is truly a better way than to be faced with regret about starting a process that wastes time and money if one changes their decision.

 

Food For Thought, Inpsiration

Changing Times and Focus

Last week was a mixed bag of things at work, personally and professionally. It is never easy to make changes when I think I am on a set course and focus. Yet time and again, I learn that while it is good to single task, it can also become a shield to not wanting to deal with inconvenient truths.  Last week, a lot of things wrong and while I did sulk for a minute or an hour or two, it became apparent that feeling frustrated, angry or worried solved nothing. I had to take a deeper dive to my reaction, and the answer came back in a simple way: fear.

I was scared of screwing things up more. I was scared of extra things I would have to do which mean less of things I wanted to do. I was scared of missing things. Yet more than anything else I was scared of so much change in so many areas of my life. But then fear diminished as I took a breath, and realized that instead of focusing and blaming others and events for my reactions, I had to take responsibility for my actions and feelings. Every day won’t be the way I want, but it doesn’t mean that it is a bad thing.

Happy Monday!

 

Legal

How Do I Hire The Right DUI Attorney? Legal Reasons #51

The day a person is arrested on suspicion of a California DUI is very often the worst day of that person’s life. As the handcuffs are being slapped around the wrists, thoughts flood the mind of the person who has just been arrested for a California DUI: How long will I be under arrest? What will happen in court? What am I facing?

The first step is research. You don’t buy the first car you see at the dealership. With so much at stake, why would you hire the first attorney you talk to? Ask family and friends if they know a lawyer. You’d be hard pressed to not find anyone who hasn’t used a lawyer in the past. Lastly, check the California Bar Association’s website at Calbar.org to check if a lawyer has had any disciplinary action taken against them for misconduct.

It’s no surprise that lawyers can be expensive. But remind yourself that you’re paying for someone with the experience to help you make it through one of the most difficult times of your life. Make your decision to hire a lawyer based on experience, not cost. Fees for California DUI lawyers range from $1000 to $10,000. DUI defense lawyers almost always charge flat fees, not hourly fees. Often, the price of a DUI lawyer corresponds with their experience and what is included in the service. Sometimes, however, it isn’t. Make sure that you’re getting what you’re paying for.

I can’t say it enough. Hiring a lawyer is an extremely important decision and one that can have lasting effects on your life. Do your research and find the right California DUI attorney.