Brownness

Planning For 2020

2020 goals reminder – handwriting on an isolated sticky note, New Year resolutions and goal setting concept

2019 was a year of exploration and getting used to being uncomfortable. Along with some false starts, and taking on more projects that I could handle, I learned that being busy all the time not only does not serve me, it detracts from my quality of life. As the year approaches to a close, I am grateful for all the learning, and now it’s time to put that knowledge to use in 2020. My three overriding goals for 2020 are: 1. Relationships 2. Health 3. Law Practice (in that order of importance).  I get to continually ask if the things that I am doing serve those purposes.  It’s easy to try new, shiny things, but if all I do is jump from one exciting to another, when will I actually execute to success that things that support my progress.

So 2020 is about simplicity, about focus, about being uncomfortable in these three areas rather than all areas of my life. So why these 3 things?  Because they are what bring me joy and fear and accountability. All three allow growth, depth, and learning. All three push me to be the best version of myself. All three get me to be a better Sanjay.  Yet, there is also a growing nervousness in  me that even with three areas, I may be doing too much. Or not enough. Or worse; fail at all three.

So I am looking for tools, people and resources that best support me. What are some of yours?  I would love to know.

Happy Monday!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Grateful

I am often amazed at how blessed I am when I take the time to count my blessings. From loving in laws to an amazing close knit family to decades long friendships, it astonishes me how rich I am. Yet, there are many days where I choose to feel alone rather than seek support, and yet somehow, my loved ones always seem to know. Someone will always reach out even when, as usual, I don’t seek them. I realize now that just as I notice when someone close to me is acting out of character, there are others who do the same for me.

These past few days have been amazing in the sense of being able to see how much love I am surrounded by.  Yet (there is a always a yet), there are times when I feel alone, don’t wish to be bothered or bother others with my issues, and it is precisely then when someone shows up (the list is exhaustive), and yet again I am not allowed to wallow. Are there are down days? Yes. But continuous days with no one checking in? Never. It is a lesson I keep forgetting because truth be told, it is easier sometimes to feel sorry for myself, to want to give up, to not do what I promised, to just wallow in the shit.

So I am grateful, grateful for those who see me, grateful for those who pull me up when I manage to drag myself down repeatedly, grateful for having so much and forgetting that support is always there like life and I just have to reach out. It is a dizzying feeling to know that I am loved, and more than that, to know that I matter.  So as the 2019 reaches to a close, I take this moment to be grateful for all that I have, and I look forward to 2020.

Happy Monday!

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Kindness

A simple word. Easy to say even, and yet I find it extremely difficult to be kind when I am in judgement, or with difficult people. Yet, I also know that is when it’s needed most. Recently I dealt with a belligerent client who berated me, and pointed out everything I was doing wrong. The commentary went on for a long time, and I wished for them to just go away, and I even raised my voice. However, it hit me that kindness is easy when it’s for people you like or get along with, hardest when one is tested .

I have learned that my belief about myself gets tested when I fall into a pattern of judgement. I catch myself often thinking others should be, or do better than they are, and it hits me that I too have struggled. I, too, took a long time to mature, and I am still learning. Each person is on their own journey, and unless asked to support others, all I can offer them and myself is kindness and patience.

So kindness is a practice that I will never master until I learn to let go of my ego. When that will be, who knows, but I know that saying something is miles away from being that way. It shows up in all areas of my life so I continually work on it. I put myself in position to be in front of unkind people, not to torture myself, but to learn, grow, and hopefully, at some point, to forgive.

Happy Thanksgiving all.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Unfading

The weekday morning quiet is my favorite time of the day. Outside, darkness still reigns, and I am usually awake before my 5:30 am alarm.  I can hear the dog’s gentle snore, and I take extra care to get out of bed as not to wake her because once she is up, she follows me endlessly until I take her for a walk. But this time is my time. An hour snatched out of the day so I can read, write, and think. The past few days, I experienced vulnerability from others and ownership about their feelings, and it hit me that while my memories have not faded, I act as if they do.

I no longer speak his name, or bring up his passing, yet it’s always there. It’s easy to get lost in the tasks, and all this busyness I have created, harder to admit that slowing down or cutting down on commitments is not quitting or giving up, it’s giving priority to people who matter.  It’s not easy seeing my blind spots. It’s appealing to just go, go, go, fill up the time rather than be present, still, and curious about what’s coming up or me.

There is so much more I could do with less distractions, and projects. Loved ones who deserve my attention, ears, and love. Not my intent, but my actions. Not platitudes, but spending meaningful time. Not being defensive when called out, but open to hearing, no! listening to their unmet needs.

So while the memories haven’t faded, my resolve to do better increases. His legacy is unfading, and I get to be more like him. Mend all relationships around me, and be an inspiration rather than a drain.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Detox

Last Month, I decided to detoxify after my overly indulgent trip in New York, I decided to not drink until after my race mid october, and after the race, I pushed it to end of the month, and now in November I am taking it day by day. I will drink when I feel like it. I remember this feeling as this is what I did with becoming vegetarian. I have learned to listen to my body, and in return, I have had minimal to no sickness, my energy levels skyrocketed, and I just felt good in general. Yet, I also know that it is not for everyone nor do I preach it to anyone. It works for me.

Just like not drinking until I feel like it. I see now that I am constantly trying ways to break myself down so I can get better. Do I always succeed? Not even close. There are so many areas in which I could do better, yet I also know that I can only try and be aware of my flaws, and then find ways to cope with life. Taking away ways I can hide is one of them. It’s easy to break open a beer or have a drink or two because I had a rough day or I could just sit in the shit, and let myself feel.

It’s not easy because the tempting part is to deny, avoid, not feel, to blame, to not take responsibility. It’s plain sucky to know that I am responsible for all that happens in my life. It makes for a very hard journey. But I continue to press on. I get the privilege of this life, and I get to get better at living in it.  There is so much I regret, but I am determined to continue to blow myself up (figuratively) to get better, and to perhaps, one day, be worthy of forgiveness.

 

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

The River

Recently, my sister insisted I listen to a talk  on Nanak Naam about “Hukam” and what it means. In a nutshell, it hit me that we spend so much of time of our time wishing or praying things to be different, but life is like a river and it only goes the way it is meant to. We can either accept that or be unhappy trying to change it. The power of acceptance of life’s unfairness or fairness was immaterial, because life would happen either way.

Too often, I spent my time wishing things to be a certain way, a fantasy as the talk mentioned, instead of accepting that life is what it is now now what I wish it to be. That’s not to say to give up, but rather work on my mindset and actions that I can control. I also realized that all I have in my power are my thoughts, actions and emotions. How I choose to use them is entirely up to me, and blaming others or life just brings dissatisfaction into my life.

It’s not easy, and I realize it is so much easier to go back to wanting life the way I want it to be, yet it continues like a river and I spend time trying to change its course by myself.  I get to leave the fantasy or I can be miserable.