This past weekend, I got the chance to celebrate my nephew’s first birthday, and the sheer amount of kids that attended got me thinking that soon there will be a new addition to these events. My son. Its strange to say those words. I never imagined in a million years that would be a possibility. i think due to that I put so much energy in other children, from my numerous nephews and nieces to the kids of my children. I am blessed to be the Godfather to several of them, and I willingly accepted that role. And now I get to pick someone. For my son. The words boggle the soul.
And then the celebration for Ezra, a cute boy who never stops smiling, and I can’t wait for our son to meet him because I know they will be close. I also hope my son learns a lot of his behaviors from him. Ezra’s parents provided my wife and I generous access to their children, going above and beyond to ensure my wife has a beautiful relationship with her niece, and now her nephew. It has a joy to see my wife smile when she sees their faces, and the reciprocity from the kids.
Which brings me to the gentle sadness knowing my father will never experience his grandson, and my son will never get to know Papa the way he should. It hurts to remember that yet another year has passed since he has been gone,. and I still feel the same as the day he left when I let myself. The mornings are the best and worst because in the dawn’s quiet are when I let myself feel everything. It is the early darkness that my heart unclenches, and for those brief hours I feel it all. From joy, worry to sadness to getting ready for the day.
More and more, I get quiet, but I also know that silence does not have always serve me so I seek safe spaces to express myself. It is a journey I am still on, but maybe, some day I can speak out loud: I miss you, Papa. I am sorry,Papa. I wish you could meet your grandson. And then the sun rises, and I begin my day.