Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

This past weekend still resonates through my body as we attended another beautifully orchestrated wedding between two souls who deeply care for each other. Truth be told, I don’t know the couple that well, but their warmth was not only contagious, but seeing their joyful faces at each event spoke way more than their words.

Of course, the star of the weekend for us was Zyan. It still amazes us how easy going he is with others, and not rattled by seeing so many different people at various events. And he troops along with us to parties, happy to be just be present. Watching him interact with others, eliciting smiles and laughter from them, makes my heart warm. But the best part is that he saves his widest smiles for the ones he recognizes. His Mama of course gets some of the largest as if mirroring her heart and how it feels for him. It is some type of special to watch them play.

And then of course, just seeing how he is with each that he knows is a special treat. He makes each feel special, and seen. An attribute that I get to learn. It is also a pleasure to watch him take it all in. From the ceilings to the lights to just life passing by. Each moment something to savor, something to see, something to experience. Its amazing to see someone be so present, a mentor in his own way, already teaching me so much. I hope I can do the same for him.

I look forward to his growth, and my own.

Early Saturday morning. Zyan’s cooing the background music for this morning. I feel a bit woozy, but blissful. Up since 4am, Zyan seems like he still wants to be at the parties, with the family members, the constant kisses, hugs, smiles and the sheer joy he provided to so many. Truth be told, so do I. A slight regret that even after taking hundred of photos, they won’t do justice to the memories created, the bonds strengthened with nieces and nephews I don’t get to see very often along with my aunts, uncles, cousins, and other people who are like family. And then the realization that my wife and I took our son on planes, our nervousness instantly dissipated when we saw him peacefully sleep through multiple flights. We have an angel in him, his many gifts to his older father and beautiful mother.

Still processing. Still seeing the images in my head. Still scrolling through all the social media posts, showcasing the incredible events. A welcome lunch with so much food that even I couldn’t eat all the varieties. Then an unforgettable Sangeet featuring Nihal Singh that went on till 3am. Then a music party featuring Indian Idol Stay Mohammad Danish which made my heart ache as I know how much Papa would have enjoyed him. Then a beautiful Anand Karaj that was entirely led by women, something I have not experienced at any Indian wedding. And finally a reception that featured surprise family performances and actually funny, sweet and special speeches. And of course, the food, drink, music, and the endless dancing. But most of all, the sheer joy of being around a couple intensely in love, both gorgeous in looks, personality and expression of themselves. Rusna truly looked like a princess out of a fairytale while her new husband Stel not only managed to be dashing at each event, but won us over with his ready smile, and acceptance of our crazy big Sikh family by not only him but his wonderful family. It made my heart swell in a way that is hard to put into words.

7 days in a new country with our 6 month old son and not once did my wife and I regret our decision. In fact, gratitude for my wife overwhelmed me at points because she allowed Zyan to be experienced by so much of my family. But what really hits home is the incredible generosity my favorite cousin and his family showed all of us by hosting us at an insanely beautiful venue, each detail attended to and taken care of. The hotel an architectural marvel, made even more so beautiful by Rusna and Stel’s presence along with the 180 attendees. Of course, my sister Sumita was a force behind the scenes in ensuring all went smooth.

So here. I sit now, the sun slowly rising, lightening the room, yet not having an affect due to our own bright moods created by Lucky and Sonia, the parents who did it again, a second wedding that we will talk about for years. It amazes me the foundation our parents built so not only are we close to our cousins, but their children as well. In Morocco, we say Shukran as Thank You, and it cannot be a coincidence that we say Shukar in Punjabi. So Lucky and Sonia, Shukar, Shukar, Shukar for allowing us to witness your amazing Daughter and Son in laws weddig.

This past weekend became one of great moments. From spending time with dear friends, playing poker, watching the Lakers win decisively, to celebrating a bridal shower, all that alone would have sufficed but then along came Sunday and an unexpected treat. Zyan got to the spend the whole day with his cousins. It has been something I have looked forward to due to my own closeness to my cousins. Watching Zyan be kissed continually by his 18 month old cousin while his 4 year cousin fed him strawberries just brings me immense joy. I have told my brother and sister in law numerous times, I cannot wait for them to grow up together as I did with my own family.

The bond of cousins can form a great foundation because although you are family, you also have an opportunity to be dear friends. You can share things with each other that perhaps you would not with a sibling or feel a closeness that can be hard to explain. Sharing moments where you get to be silly with each other, to just share time, to be around each other forms great ties that can go far in life. Whats even more exciting is that Ezra and Zyan will be close in age and distance, ensuring that they will get to spend even more time together. And judging from this past Sunday, it will be sure to be a fun time.

Just being present and seeing them do this made for a magical day, but then all of us realizing that we need to do more often just accentuated our desire for the cousins to connect like we all have with each other. It are these type of days that not only create amazing memories, but allows us to experience our children in their element as they navigate new relationships. Again, there was a sharp pang of grief that Papa never got a chance to meet Zyan, and others as well, but I am truly grateful for the network of love he is surrounded by. And as much as I want Papa to be here, these type of days make up for it.

One of the joys of Zyan has been the sheer amount of people he has already interacted with, and how wins them over with his ready smile and contagious laughter. This past weekend we finally got a chance to spend some time with dear friends, one of which I have known for over 2 decades. It is truly amazing to see him boys grow up, see him be a great father, cook, and all around amazing friend. I don’t recall a time when we have not had a good time even when its just the two of us sitting around, and chatting all the things about being a man. He has taught me so much about fatherhood, and I hope I am able to match his consistency in te way he gave so much of himself to his boys.

I already know I can count on him for sports advice as he not only taken the boys but coached their teams. There is a definitely sense of security knowing that I can pick up the phone and ask him anything no matter how basic or silly. The lack of shame is a great foundation to becoming a great father. Even now, I have begun taking a pre-algebra class to refresh and relearn all I don’t remember or never got at all. Each day has become a race to take in as much as I can support my son in all the ways he may need.

It helps that my wife is also the cornerstone of this family, the one who always seems to know what Zyan needs, and how to get to him to bed in a blink. The one who has begun experimenting with new foods, and bathes regularly (I have only half managed one time). and seeing her in that role brings me a type of peace. A fullness to our a family of four (gotta always count the Dog) allows us to create a bubble of love, affection, and gratitude. We both have been working on ensuring we are partners not just expectation that we each do a certain role. That thought process is sure to breed resentment as both of us want to be involved in ever aspect of our son’s life no matter how mundane or messy.

Each time we look at Zyan, it is hard to believe we were blessed with one who already creates so much love, joy and laughter. Each morning, I can’t wait to hear his gurgles, and coos as he talks to himself, and then upon seeing me bursts into a such a wide smile that it tears open my heart and makes it even bigger. Seeing him do that to our friends over the weekend just made feel so full of gratitude and blessings that I hope continue on this small Journey known as Zyan.

Happy Monday everyone!

This past weekend, we did one of our first nights out as adults without Zyan. Yet even prior to that, it’d become obvious that we needed to make adjustments as a couple. As someone extremely task oriented and driven to accountability, I tend to get married to my schedule, and not be as open to sudden changes. While being so focused supports in my work, it has become a hindrance as we navigate our lives with our 5 month old. I get to learn to check in, to be open to changes in my scheduling to offering support, to taking off the afternoon to take over as Zyan fights daytime naps, and insists of constant attention. That can drain a person when even the naps are short lived.

Slowly ( I mean very slowly), I now see that in order to be a good partner and as someone who works remotely. I have plenty of chances to step, to play Papa, to allow my wife some breathing room. I get to use my strength in focus and tasks to incorporate parenthood into my daily schedule. I can no longer always just be the morning and evening weekday papa. This requires communication, calendaring, and commitment. It means putting aside assumptions, sharing what matters most on certain days because my work and health tasks cannot always be a priority when they are not discussed with my wife.

When I assume, I make an ass out of you and me. It is a lesson I keep running into, and I am determined to use accountability the engine to push me forward (ergo this post.). Also, this weekend allowed us time to seek support from family to take care of Zyan (which they did happily) while we took off the night to spend time with friends and actually sleep in. Even while we were out, missing Zyan was the norm, but it underscored that we get to keep adulting if we are to the best versions of ourselves to each other and to our son.

It is a sobering lesson, and one that I aim to do better at.

Happy Monday!

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind, and today we get ready to celebrate Baisakhi even while still recovering from Easter. Zyan got to do his first event with many new people, and to say he was a trooper is understating it. Initially, we were concerned he would not like being around so many people, but his bright shining face really made him the center of attention, and while in the initial moment he was a bit overwhelmed, it took him mere minutes adjust. Mama and Papa could not be prouder.

One of our continuing joys for our son is how easy going he is, and clear on when he is not happy. As he comes into his own, and wants less and less nap time, he demands more of our attention, and we love having to give it! A true win/win where even when we dont see him for a few hours, we miss him like it has been days. Gushing like this was something I never imagined. Now I know the feeing of parents doing anything for their child, to ensure they are safe, protected, taught, taken care of, loved, read to, changed, worried about, and on and one.

Yet he continues to troop on, delighting us each day with something new. Greeting us each morning with massive smiles that just clobber our hearts, making our souls shine. Our time has new meaning in away I still am trying to process. I still am task oriented, but now one of happiest tasks is quality time with my trooper. My heart is so full, and it just meant I had to spill it out here.

Happy Friday and happy Baisakhi to all who celebrate.