Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Discomfort

This past weekend, I as quietly berating myself for all that I didn’t get to. I looked at my to do list, and so much of it was left uncrossed. I wondered what the hell I was doing with my time when it hit me that there was so much I did that made me uncomfortable, forced me to learn something new, pushed myself when I didn’t think I could do something. So I put away the task list, and just made a new list of all that I did that week, really just took in the week and it hit me that the old me would have never imagined how many different ways I had found to make put myself in discomfort.

I find it easy to look at all that I did not get done. In my quest to cross off things, I often forget to track my progress. Take crossfit. I have been crossfitting for the past 3 years, and only yesterday did I manage my first Rx (recommended) weight for a workout, and that was only after urging from three different people.

I get to take time to take it in. We all do. We need to stop looking at all the undone things, and really check in where we are at the current moment. We get to acknowledge ourselves. We get to give ourselves prop for doing the things we don’t want to do, but do them anyway. We get to high five ourselves when we get up at at the first or the third snooze of the alarm and do something in the morning that seems like a chore even if it’s as simple as taking the dog for a walk or jumping in the shower.

In these times, it’s easy to bemoan the heat, fires, hurricanes, elections. the pandemic and lose sight of our own daily actions. The world is a scary place if you allow it to be, or perhaps, just perhaps you focus on finding discomfort and growing. I choose the latter.

What will you do?

 

 

Family, Food For Thought, Journal, Myself

Loss

It feels ever present, yet there are times when I can almost forget he isn’t here anymore. Times when I laugh at the times we had together, times we argued, his nicknames for him from calling me an Owl to silly barks when I said something.  I get a lot of my silliness from him. It never occurred to me that while time passes, its still hard for me to talk about him to others.

Better to hold it in, to let it burn inside because it seems pointless to let it out. So I go on with my life, feeling the loss, his absence at the family events, meals and conversations.  Me seeing so much of him in me, from love of music, to trying overly hard with gifts that when I think of it are not quite right or music compilations or playlists which start off great, but then with impatience meander into obscure or song that sound like something I might like.

Confusion reigns inside me. Easier to just keep on going, pretending, missing, swallowing emotions whole because it seems like overkill to keep talking about feeling the loss still. three years gone by yet it feels raw,a bit less pain but he remains as vivid in my mind.

I see him in my quiet moments in the morning now that I wake up like him or when I walk the dog,or I take a power nap like him or tease mom about her cooking. The loss lingering inside, but outside the smile, and all is well vibe goes on strong.

Each day rolls along and I dread the coming hours because the pain grows, but feels hard to share. I don’t have the words anymore. It feels like I have said too much already or not enough or the right words aren’t there. It feels like a betrayal of the soul to even write this music.

The desire to keep quiet, private,inside, to not allow others to pity me or offer solace, my burden to bear. My regret to keep reliving.

I miss you, Papa

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Feedback

I always search for feedback, and I generally assume others are also open to getting it, too. However, I forget that while I may in the mode to be a better version of myself, that doesn’t mean others are looking to do the same.  Sometimes, people are content being who and where they are. They don’t think they need to change because what they are doing is working for them.

There is also a time and place for feedback, and I tend to mistake some conversations and people as open to feedback. It’s hard to be more specific because then this post would sound judgemental. I realize that every person is on their own journey and path. Unless someone asks for directions, or indicates openness, giving unsolicited feedback may would, or worse, create a disconnection with others.

It’s not easy to always notice ways others can do things differently just because I wouldn’t do it that way. I struggle with the idea that not much is in my control except my reaction to it. The more power I give to negative ideas, the stronger they become, the harder it becomes for me to let it be.

And so I use situations I find difficult as feedback to me. I can choose how to experience things. I can choose to let others be. I can use that moment to grow, to get curious, listen, shut my mouth, and just be present. And to keep learning.

Happy Monday!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Committment

I am pretty proud of myself that for the past two weeks I have managed to go to Crossfit five days a week. It’s funny how something that seemed undoable to me because of my own stories now is fast becoming a habit. I can see why people get addicted doing something that pushes you each time you do it. There have been no easy workouts, none where I said too easy, in fact, the opposite. Each workout shows my weaknesses and where I have been skimping, and it all fuels my commitment.

Each morning, I get to work and find things to do that cause me pause, from legal study to learning new material or learning how to do videos or email marketing, and it makes me recommit to running a solo law practice.

I committed to being present, curious and be of service to my loved ones. I take moments out to spend quality time to not just assume friends and family will reach out and I make efforts to check in where I can. It makes for a richer day when I have had the chance to share bread with loved ones, and it wasn’t just a meal but an exchange of ideas, information and thoughts.

I committed to living a fuller life in all areas of my life, and it takes constant practice and action to make it happen. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

What are you committed to?

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Resistance

It’s crazy to know we are halfway through August. Unlike others, I am blessed I able to practice my profession and be of service to others. I also have recommitted to Crossfit because I noticed I was only going one to two times a week and running the rest of the days. I realized that I resisted going to Crossfit because it was hard, uncomfortable, and I felt like a failure. All stories that I told myself to not do something difficult.

It’s hard for me to ask clients for money. It’s hard for me to be engaged when people discuss things I don’t know about or are not my interest. And so I resist by avoiding,denying or ignoring. It’s easier to make up stories than be vulnerable or change the narrative until I chose to get accountability people who won’t let me just live these fake stories. So I learn to dive into the discomfort, learn to get curious, and truly hear what others needs are, become open to learning about the people in my life.

It’s not easy because resistance has become a natural reaction, but I know it stops me from growing, from being the best version of myself. When I resist, I know I am scared. I am allowing fear to dictate and while some fear is fine, allowing only that can calcify me. And so I do the things that scare me,I take chances, I learn,and I grow. I use resistance as my barometer for letting me know that I get to keep pushing forward.

Happy Monday!

Brownness, Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A fruitful bitter weekend

It is always a blessing to spend time with those who genuinely enjoy your company. Two weekends ago, I felt so much love, connection and warmth while I quietly also grieved for my aunt. It was a surreal weekend in that so many emotions intertwined inside me, yet I know that many memories were made, and relationships deepened.

It took me two weeks to process and I realized that as I get older, my loved one do too. I will see more passings, more transitions, and I know that time with them has a bit of urgency to it that I wish it didn’t.  Already, I have experienced three deaths, and while they are alive in my mind, I also see myself not saying as much as I could. I keep the pain buried, but it is also in my actions. I am quieter, and then I am not. The pendulum inside me goes from wanting to shout out all my feelings or to remain still and feel them all.

Not much time goes by that regret doesn’t pierce my heart and I wonder how many missed opportunities I had with my dad and aunts. How easy it would have been to pick up the phone, to tell them I miss and love them one more time?

And what about the ones still here? What can I do better? I know that as the relationships deepen with others, more memories are made, but I also know its important to maintain old and new friends, to be there for family, to know that I didn’t spend my days worrying about a future I can’t control, and instead spent it in experiences.

I not only tasted wine, but got to be around people who genuinely wanted the best for me, and I also got to say goodbye to an amazing soul. I don’t think I can ask for much more. Spend more time with loves is the new motto!