Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Connecting More

This past weekend was not usual for many reasons everyone is aware of, but more than that it became about when people around me make a concerted effort to be around loved ones. It hit me that I am truly blessed with multiple people who consistently make efforts to spend connected and quality time with me and others. I take it for granted most times, but on holidays where we give kudos to those who sacrificed so much for us to have this, I had to take it in. Be grateful. Breathe it in, and appreciate my luck. Be present and acknowledge others who sacrificed the ultimate for an ideal.

I may not agree with so many on many issues, but that does not mean I do not get celebrate and appreciate then ones who allow us to have differing opinions. It took me a while to truly not see memorial day just the start of summer, or deals or a great parties, but a day of remembrance for those who selflessly do what I take for granted.  I couldn’t help being around others who also do so much for me and it hit me that these weekends not only mean holidays, but time to celebrate our blessings.

EAch of these holidays is a sort of thanksgiving, and in this time, all of these days now take on special meaning. Instead of complaining being stuck with the same people, I am grateful that I have large families in my life who have made this unusual time more than bearable. I now look forward to days to see what other creative and wonderful ways we will do things together. What we will share, discover, and most importantly, do together.

Happy Tuesday!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal, Myself

Conspiracy Theories and UFOs

I have alway been intrigued with people who believe in the alternative. In a way, I always felt like I was in a bubble and didn’t get a chance to experience the unknowable. The last few weeks have been harder than normal as it feels like a firehose of opinions about Covi-19, its origins, and what to do about it. I have been able to not watch too much TV, but haven’t stopped social media, and I realize that when I allow information in, it becomes overwhelming.

It got me thinking that while the ideas of UFOs and conspiracy theories satisfy some part of me, on the whole, they leave me wanting. They don’t fit into my life. That’s not to say I don’t think others aren’t entitled to what they believe. So long as their beliefs don’t require me to do anything, then I get to leave them be. It’s hard not to argue with some anyway, and I realize now that is my own ego.

I am not qualified in any way to qualify or disqualify someone’s belief. Ultimately, I rest in my heart of my own surety. That’s all I can do. The topics intrigue me, but the answers don’t because in my gut I believe they are unknowable. And honestly, I don’t want to do the work to persuade or dissuade someone. It’s become clear to me that the only way I can resolve this is to cut down or eliminate my consumption of social media. There are days it’s easier (when people are mean), and others when I feel like I need to know (when someone posts something thought provoking). The key is to find a balance. I don’t always succeed which is why I am glad it’s called a practice. I just have to keep at reducing the noise.

Happy Monday.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Mom

It’s hard for me to write about my mom. My words are just a bunch of letters in regards to her. It’s all I have and it feels futile because she knows. We have what they call an asymmetric relationship.  She has given way more things, experiences, unconditional love, food, comfort than I can ever possibly return. Yet I also know she wouldn’t expect anything, and to her, her natural state is to give. I don’t think I remember a time when she didn’t comfort me or offer something to make my life better.

It makes for a hard post when it hits me what unconditional looks like in real life. I can’t help being happy or proud when I do or get her something, but she’s been giving for 48 years and counting, and never pointed it out. I hope I have the courage and love to take care of her when she is no longer able to. Yet that idea hurts to even think about. It’s what make this post so hard to write. To acknowledge a future  I don’t want or wish to think about. Easier to just see her as she is now and has always been. Available, loving, comforting, giving, and teaching. And you know, that’s always how I will remember her.

Happy belated Mothers Day mom (well not really, but the post is) I love you.

Happy Monday!

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Security

As I fiddled around with setting up my new Ring app after someone stole my bike from my new place, it hit me that there is a lot that I have taken for granted in my life. I have been lucky in that not much physical has been stolen from me in life, but not so  lucky in other ways. When the Iranian revolution took place, my life in Tehran turned my entire life insecure. I lived in London for a bit then India, and finally came here when I was twelve years old. It never occurred to me until recently how much of my life contributed to my insecurity about so many things.

From looks, athletic ability, intelligence, personality, hobbies, really you name it, I struggled with it (and to some extent, still do), but what kept me grounded is the people in my life. From dear friends, an unwavering family, a loving extended family, to my curiosity and desire to keep learning, to keep trying, to use that insecurity to push me forward not hold me back.

When my wife informed me that my bike was gone, my initial instinct was two fold. One was a brief sense of loss, followed with the thought that I deserved it since I hadn’t used the bike in over a year. And then reality hit and I accepted. Perhaps the bike would be of more use to that person than me. My sense of violation could and should have been higher, but I no longer willing to stay in an insecure state for too long. It can be motivating in some situations, but in others (such as this), it can return me my old habits of helplessness and inaction.

I can no longer adhere to living in fear about things that I cannot control. And so I chose to be secure in my routine, my activity, my work, my actions, and live my days in acceptance.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Worry

It’s there, a silent snake coiled inside me. Most times, I can dull it with busyness, working on tasks, or numbing it with booze, friends or entertainment. But in those quiet moments, right before I go to bed, or when I wake up in the morning light and I am just alone with my thoughts, it is there. Just waiting to strike. Worrying about when this end, about money. about uncertainty, about loved ones, about what to do next, about how to fill the day, about coping with others, about well just about anything.

I admit, at the beginning, the day I got laid off from my own business was a day full of worry. But I had a choice. On Friday the 13th, I had no job, no prospects, no future income. Yet, over that weekend, it hit me that there was so much more out there. I’d done some financial planning, made the calls to all the installment plans and forestalled, and then I also a huge asset. My licence.

So that Monday, instead of being filled with worry, became one of action, one of focus, and also realization that I’d needed to cut the cord for a while, but I had been weak. Easy to stay on a place because, well because, it was easy. I chose the hard route, and I don’t doubt it (even though others do), but it does scare me. But that fear moves me forward while worry pushes me back. Which is why I’d much rather leave it there. In the past, not worth entertaining. Most times, I succeed, but sometimes, there is an unease, especially when I am in breakdown. It seems delicious to steep myself in worry, but like social media, it really just takes away from me, hollows me out.

So I get to bed, get up, and focus on what I can control not what I cannot. Then I get to work.

Happy Monday!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Others

For me, the weekdays fly by, and the struggles become the weekend when it becomes starkly apparent that around others I am exposed to others, their beliefs, opinions, struggles, complaints, but most of all, their fear. It’s easy to control my own anxiety and the continual what if’s that I have gotten down to once in a while, but when around others, the uncertainty grows exponentially. I want to argue, or tell them about my routines, but I know that they are in their shit, and experience, and me telling them to live it a certain way doesn’t do them or me any favors.

I can’t control what is happening around me. As much as I know that, I still cannot help trying to do it anyway. I know the result which is unexpressed frustration, and a growing desire to keep myself busy.  Yet, I also know avoiding is just another form of weakness of my principles. If I am to grow, I have to face things and people and ideas which make me uncomfortable. Always wanting a cushioned existence is asking for unsatiated aggravation at life.

Others represent that no matter what or how I wish things to be, it does not mean that their experiences are not valid. It’s just not mine. A hard lesson to accept sometimes. Mostly, when it is negative and complaining about things rather than practicing gratitude for what they have. But I also get it. It’s hard to feel grateful when you feel trapped, bored, listless, uninspired, unsure, but most of all, unclear of when this will all end. That’s a scary place to be. Asking others to feel or be like me is not only foolish but unfair.

And so I begin this week, yet again, with compassion, patience, and an open mind. I may not succeed, but I don’t plan on stop trying.