I sometimes feel like I am acting out a role meant to ease others instead of just being the person I want to be. It probably doesnt help that I dont know what I want to be except I am pretty sure it’s not what I am going through now. There was a time when I was full of ideas and images of creating some pretty unique things that would make a mark in life, instead I am reduced some days to swallowing a lot of hurt so others can breath easier. Instead of a bound book with my name on it, I am have bits and chunks of myself on an electronic page that may not survive the decade. In a way, I feel like this page, that I am mere hallucination holding up reflections for others so they can pour their insecurities into it, and I am left holding just old dreams.
Each day still holds new promise, and some days I see it but mostly other days it taunts me at my failure to attain it. So I end another day feeling the loss of promise but sustained by faith. I have used quite a bit of it lately, and praying I dont end up on empty. After all I need it to keep the play again if nothing else.