Month: August 2008

I sometimes feel like I am acting out a role meant to ease others instead of just being the person I want to be.  It probably doesnt help that I dont know what I want to be except I am pretty sure it’s not what I am going through now.  There was a time when I was full of ideas and images of creating some pretty unique things that would make a mark in life, instead I am reduced some days to swallowing a lot of hurt so others can breath easier.  Instead of a bound book with my name on it, I am have bits and chunks of myself on an electronic page that may not survive the decade.  In a way, I feel like this page, that I am mere hallucination holding up reflections for others so they can pour their insecurities into it, and I am left holding just old dreams. 

Each day still holds new promise, and some days I see it but mostly other days it taunts me at my failure to attain it.  So I end another day feeling the loss of promise but sustained by faith.  I have used quite a bit of it lately, and praying I dont end up on empty.  After all I need it to keep the play again if nothing else.

It was a great feeling to be at Ziba # 12, and realize that I am part of a something that will become huge one day.  Yes, its weird to say that since 12 isnt some chump change, yet its still something where the learning is part of the process.  It can get old sometimes learning, feeling like perhaps its just the same problem with new plastic surgery.  Its probably why I get flashbacks because I cant shake the nagging feeling that what I am seeing isnt really unique or unheard of, that perhaps its me that is ignorant and not the world. 

Either way, it felt good to get that rush of excitement when you see people’s faces when they hear another Ziba is open.  Its really the best compliment in the world.  For once, most of the day was spent on work, and in the quietness in my heart wondering if its just empty or so full of pain it cant express itself.  I am pretty sure its pure sadness at the loss of a time when seeing each other was joy enough and now spending time apart seems almost better.

Is it to stop fighting fate or now is the time to get down into the bunker and show super human strenght?  I am no super hero, but I sure have faith…

I cringe at my titles sometimes only because they can either contain too much emotion and too little information in their one words.  I play this guessing game that whoever reads the title gets the meaning of the post because of course that is what a title is supposed to do other but others close to me also know why I pick certain titles as themes of my daily life.  I managed to find twitter today and bought a chumby, or maybe perhaps its the other way around (if those words dont make sense to you, google them), and it just makes sense to the emotional me to express my every feeling to the world.  Yet those who are around me can know me to be quiet or not as forthcoming, but put me in a room with words and I will douse you with verbosity. 

And there in lies my problem. The more I write, the less I talk, the less I communicate to the love in my life, the more I have to write about.  In accepting these modes of communications, I am losing the heart of the one I beat for.   Go figure

Ever wonder if your just repeating times and days in your life but you just dont know it? Or maybe what you think is familiar is really just your own biases and perceptions rather than the actual world.  The past 2 days have tugged at my mind, and cleared up some of the cobwebs that were chocking my heart.  I am not a new person, but I am definitely more interested in other’s lives.  I have spent so much time bemoaning a relatively great life, that its time I woke up from my self-obsession and be the great friend that others have been to me. 

I guess I am trying to say Thank you to the ones who never seem to get tired of my whining no matter how pathetic.  Ok so the post isnt profound but you know some times its just best to say what the hell your actually thinking rather than entertain…

is not my friend, but I think we are beginning to get to know each other.  Sitting back and just sipping a book instead of worrying about the 1000 meaningful but really meanigless tasks kind of just has a way of slowing you down but not in a bad way.  For once, focusing on answering before listening or counting the times I said or texted her instead of just doing it for my self makes it a pleasure again to love someone as you love yourself.  A bit disjointed I am sure right now but for once its a good thing.

Ending a fruitful day in some ways, and exasperating in others, but still looking forward to spending some time with (even though brief) and relishing the love we have for each other.  It takes work now when before it seemed easy, however I think it matters now considering what we know about each other.  So I end today not foggy, not clear but atleast a bit relieved. 

It still amazes me how spending lunch with my parents can nourish me so much and so quickly.  They are the quiet strength in my life, and for that I can never thank them enough.  I love you mom and dad.

How does one get rid of it?  Swallowing it has only allowed it to fester.  Blowing it out manages only to make holes in others.  Speaking about it seems to enlarge it.  And thinking about it just seems to feed it.  There comes a time when you have to draw the line, and enough is enough.  I am sounding that alarm today.  Anger, get out of my way.  Today is a new day, and it is one without anger.  Thats it, no more mr. nice guy.  You stay on your side, and I will stay on mine.  I am convinced the only way to let go of anger is to let go of it by accepting it.  So anger, I heard you.  I know you mean well, but you did your job now let me do mine. 

Happy Monday

Addendum: Somewhere something was heard because a dear old friend and his friends managed to show me what life is like with great friends and a great love in your life.  Amazing what a little more than 60 minutes can do for one’s self.  After that time, anything seems possible and doable.  We never know where our saviours come from, and maybe that is the right way because then we may expect others to do something that can only done by genuine action not by stated desires.  If there ever was a lesson to be learned that I can do more by being the one I want than missing that I cant be.  Or maybe the lesson is its ok to ask for help even if you think you dont need it.  Or maybe its just that, life just always has a way of working out if you just let it be. 

Either way, thank you for the one who always manage to make me look better than I am.