Month: September 2008

I guess in these hard economic times, it makes sense to talk about money, well more specifically how little of it I have.  Its amazing to me that even at my old age, I am still have a “duh” sign around me when it comes to managing my cash flow and expenses.  I guess none of you will weep for my losses, and thats as it should be.  I was the one who made the bad choices, and frankly I am the one that needs to get myself out of this tightness.  It’s definitely not a good feeling, and it sure makes for clarity in some situations.  Things that I took for granted now I consider axing (cable is overrated, TV is better, MUST… NOT… SHOOT… AT… SCREEN). Do I really need a full loaf of bread, (Sandwiches are overrated, I am sure its why Atkins started his diet) and if I put coloring in club soda, isnt that pretty much like coke (Soft drinks are overrated).?  Ofcourse, some things must stay (soap is NOT overrated) but I am sure I can now use some more of it by adding water into the bottle of it, as long as it foams, its killing germs, right? And ofcouse, just like in india I can use soap shave instead of shaving cream, I mean the point is to have a crooked goatee anyway.  

I hope to have some good news soon.  I plan to be better, and for once its not under the category of wishful thinking.  Already made some changes (I got rid of my subscription to Bling Magazine), and looking forward to some more (Internet you really are overrated now that I have my chumby and iphone).  Here’s hoping that your tuesday ended as depth filled as mine did.  

By the way, what do you do with these shiny round things with numbers on them?

I used to believe the more I read, the more knowledgeable I would become.  Not something hard to believe as I passed through high school, college, and even law school.  I used books to learn about others, and maybe even myself.  But (of course there is a but), I never though to realize that putting down that book after finishing and feeling satisfied was a mistake.  In fact, it was the first step towards learning.  It’s probably why I read several books on the same theme to get that realization that should have come from the first one.  I didnt give myself the time to just absorb the clarity of the writer.  Thats not true exactly, I had the time, I just didnt have the wisdom to realize that its great to read, but its better to understand.  

Thats been my life, speed through the main parts and fail to learn until I fall several times.  And ofcourse say right thing and sound like I know what I am talking about, and do the opposite.  Because ultimately, I fought the insecurity of sounding dumb or uninformed.  What’s great about getting older is you realize you care less about what strangers think, but take to heart what friends and family state.  Which makes sense because at my age, I am not really going to grow my close circle, and whoever is in it now will probably remaint here for decades (i cringed a bit at that).

I still read quite a bit (a book a week), but it has become more varied, and its about truly learning, not just racing so I can say I read a book a week.  Books are part of my world whereas before they were my world.  Those close to me know what I mean when I say that.  Instead of learning about experiences through words, I know create enough unique ones to perhaps one day free myself of ignorance.  I am probably kidding myself, but for once it feels good to have another goal than just reading.

Its a great feeling to listen an artist that you are fan of, after a long time, and then the thoughts traverse to the other parts in your life, and there is an ache there.  There was a time, I was firmly convinced of beginning of my record label, and of changing the world with new forms of South Asian media.  I was the messiah, I was the one who could do it.  That type of arrogance is quite embarrassing to face nowadays, as I tackle issues of employment and intellectual property law because there is just so much to still learn.  Yes, I had the passion, but that can only carry you so far, because at the end of the day, you need results, and that can only come from persistent, faith, and knowledge.  The less you know, the more likely you are to make missteps, and I realize that now.  A part of me still firmly believes that if I had the knowledge and the work ethic, I could have been the next media king.  But in a strange way, what is more interesting now is the daily knowledge of learning something, practicing to be myself, and just really knowing.  I still yearn to learn, and for me that is my elixir for life (for now.

I love the law, because in some ways, it’s a path thats quite simple to follow once you know what to look for.  But more because you can use it to better things, or just be better informed.  But most importantly, no one can make you look foolish because atleast you take the liberty to ask and figure some things out.  Sure, I still have the blank look, but when the mouth opens atleast you know I am trying to learn.  

And for now, thats enough

A good weekend passed by with some great friends, plenty of hugs and just warm hearted holding of the significant one in my life.  But I cant resist the nagging thought that while the great moments were there, so much more was lost by not being handling the stuff in the heart’s basement.  The constant fear of ruining a good time wins me over everytime, but I do wonder what if I just took that chance and just let it all hang out, but maybe thats the problem.  Its all or nothing.  And that approach hasnt worked, so something new is needed, and even though I know that I still want to puke everything up, i need to just try and talk it through one by one.  I am the bad partier way past his prime. But I have to be like the fictional Rocky and get up in the ring, instead of just dreaming about a future that may never come around, if I am not brave enough to fight in the ring now.  

But then I dip back in to the wonderful day;s memories, and it just seems to easy to let things be, and that our love will heal all.  The problem is that there is a deep wound that needs more than just a dab of love, it needs wrenching and no holds barred honesty.  And so as usual, I stick on the edge, lookind down into the abyss, just wondering if diving in will either end up with my death or perhaps a new lease on life.  But for now, the wait continues.  I said I needed to be strong, didnt say I was going to be.  Yes, yes I know story of my life.

There are days when all comes right and for once you keep the image the close ones have you intact.  Friday melded to become a day of what is possible, and suddenly it seems so much easier.  One day leads to another and then suddenly your back in the roll again.  And you you want to keep it going, and what seems like excercise now becomes a habit.  And so I hope to stay on this path and give the one in my life plenty to smile about, considering she has had a lot on her plate. 

So today we celebrate her birth, and I want it to be full of the joy she so richly deserves!  Happy Birthday!