Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A Tumultuous Weekend

Last friday was my dad’s 4th death anniversary. It’s a strange thing to write because I’d much rather write how he lived not the day he transitioned from this planet.  But it’s also good to mark the day because it allowed me to check in with myself and other loved ones so we could celebrate him once again. And in the midst of there, there was another reminder that I have loved ones coping with other things that may need support with.

Sometimes I forget that people make things look easy or handled or just because it is out of my sight, it means all is well. This weekend was a reminder that I get to continue to check in, to empathize, to ask “are you all right?” “how can I support?”  “I hear you”  “What’s coming up for you?”

I tend to confuse empathy with trying to fix things people. I keep forgetting that people get to be in their experience, and I get to allow them to get their feelings out. There is no right or wrong, but it does mean that I get to show up for the ones that I love. It means being aware to not be so caught up in my own stuff that I forget to be there for others.

While the weekend began on a sad but celebratory note, it definitely ended with a bang as wedding celebrations for my brother in law began. It was a great reminder that even in these crazy times, it’s possible to connect and/or reconnect with loved ones albeit socially distanced and masked.

Happy Monday

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

An Ideal Life

This morning I got a chance to talk about an ideal life. When I thought about it, I realized I am as close as to that as possible with the exception of children and having published a novel. Yes those were nice to have’s, but what’ in my life now took several decades to get to. From being a full fledged attorney to being able to lunch with my mom and in laws at a moments notice to having old friendships that are getting better with age, and an evolving marriage, there is not much I would change.

Sure, there are those who are gone who enriched my life, but they also left me with lessons and companionship that led to my current life. Is it perfect? Far from it? But is my life earned? That’s for damn sure. I know I could always want more in terms of things, money, etc, but the way my heart and soul feel means more to me.

And so I begin a new week, knowing I am living the best version possible for me.

Happy Monday!

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Discomfort

This past weekend, I as quietly berating myself for all that I didn’t get to. I looked at my to do list, and so much of it was left uncrossed. I wondered what the hell I was doing with my time when it hit me that there was so much I did that made me uncomfortable, forced me to learn something new, pushed myself when I didn’t think I could do something. So I put away the task list, and just made a new list of all that I did that week, really just took in the week and it hit me that the old me would have never imagined how many different ways I had found to make put myself in discomfort.

I find it easy to look at all that I did not get done. In my quest to cross off things, I often forget to track my progress. Take crossfit. I have been crossfitting for the past 3 years, and only yesterday did I manage my first Rx (recommended) weight for a workout, and that was only after urging from three different people.

I get to take time to take it in. We all do. We need to stop looking at all the undone things, and really check in where we are at the current moment. We get to acknowledge ourselves. We get to give ourselves prop for doing the things we don’t want to do, but do them anyway. We get to high five ourselves when we get up at at the first or the third snooze of the alarm and do something in the morning that seems like a chore even if it’s as simple as taking the dog for a walk or jumping in the shower.

In these times, it’s easy to bemoan the heat, fires, hurricanes, elections. the pandemic and lose sight of our own daily actions. The world is a scary place if you allow it to be, or perhaps, just perhaps you focus on finding discomfort and growing. I choose the latter.

What will you do?

 

 

Family, Food For Thought, Journal, Myself

Loss

It feels ever present, yet there are times when I can almost forget he isn’t here anymore. Times when I laugh at the times we had together, times we argued, his nicknames for him from calling me an Owl to silly barks when I said something.  I get a lot of my silliness from him. It never occurred to me that while time passes, its still hard for me to talk about him to others.

Better to hold it in, to let it burn inside because it seems pointless to let it out. So I go on with my life, feeling the loss, his absence at the family events, meals and conversations.  Me seeing so much of him in me, from love of music, to trying overly hard with gifts that when I think of it are not quite right or music compilations or playlists which start off great, but then with impatience meander into obscure or song that sound like something I might like.

Confusion reigns inside me. Easier to just keep on going, pretending, missing, swallowing emotions whole because it seems like overkill to keep talking about feeling the loss still. three years gone by yet it feels raw,a bit less pain but he remains as vivid in my mind.

I see him in my quiet moments in the morning now that I wake up like him or when I walk the dog,or I take a power nap like him or tease mom about her cooking. The loss lingering inside, but outside the smile, and all is well vibe goes on strong.

Each day rolls along and I dread the coming hours because the pain grows, but feels hard to share. I don’t have the words anymore. It feels like I have said too much already or not enough or the right words aren’t there. It feels like a betrayal of the soul to even write this music.

The desire to keep quiet, private,inside, to not allow others to pity me or offer solace, my burden to bear. My regret to keep reliving.

I miss you, Papa