This weekend I lost to fear, but luckily I did not do as much damage as I could have, but what little I did shows me I still have a of work to do. I won’t get into details because it would show me to be a scared little boy, and really the point of this blog has always been about expression not gossip. This past weekend I reacted when I realized someone dear to me tested positive, and while the pandemic is an old story, it has now struck home first with other loved ones, then my heart, and then finally a parent. And fear gripped my heart in such a way that I lashed out in blame when really it is what it always has been: a pandemic.

We got too comfortable too fast, or maybe we needed to in order to survive mentally. I don’t care if I get it, but to see others close to me suffer has been truly painful. I kept my fear in check until it hit too close to home when I wondered would I lose another even though the symptoms were mild. I projected onto a barren future with no parents, to being an orphan when that was not the reality but my mind made it one.

I went into a dark future, and it hit me that others had suffered the same fears and I had said nothing just the same noncommittal “I am sorry” not taking in their fear, just being a bystander. I get it. That is our coping mechanism because if we keep feeling fear, we won’t be able to function, but it does mean that I get to me empathetic, to learn to be present, to focus on what is actually happening to going to the worst place.

I went there this weekend, and it was not a pleasant place, and so I get to keep doing the work of not leading my life with fear, to being present, to take care of loved ones not spread emotions that don’t serve them or me. To not make proclamations filled with anger, threats, and needless worry to others, sharing a weaker part of myself that does a disservice to who I am as a person.

This weeked fear won, and it probably won’t be the last, but it doesn’t mean it will win everytime. It just means I get to do the work so I get better at taking it on.


Moving On

This past week and month have been a blur, and just like that, we are a few days away from moving to a new city, adventure, and place. It blows my mind how much I accumulated in two years, but more likely it’s stuff I brought in from the last place. And so I let go, declutter, make space in my place, heart and soul for new experiences, new people, new things to talk about. Yet it seems far and close at the same time. So much to get done this week while also celebrating a friend’s wedding.

It’s hard to complain about my schedule when truly I am receiving the fruits of my behavior, from get togethers, to have the ability to move, to getting busier, and having to choose between events. Yet I also know that it is easy to get lost in going from one thing to another, easier to lose sight of my vision, to get buried in work and forget the reasons for getting into lawyering. It means remembering my why. To focus, to keep up morning routine to replenish myself so I don’t draw empty.

It means saying no more often, to putting up my hand and regaining my footing for my priorities so I am not just running from one thing to another even though I want to. I just know it doesn’t serve me when I don’t give myself time to rest and recover as well as heal. I am exciting as I about to begin a new journey to a new place, but also to my physical therapy, I can even allow myself to dream to get back to the gym. To not this 50th year of my life be just about recovering but of bouncing back, harder, faster and richer in experience and time with loved ones.

Happy Monday!


Big Bear

This past weekend, I got a chance yet again to be surrounded by loved ones, to make new experiences with familiar people and not so familiar, a chance to make memories, to spend time not money in a way that enriched my life. Time and time again I am amazed at how many people I am surrounded by who treasure the same things I do. Time with family, deepening bonds, to not just be about one thing but the longer goal which is to have as many people as possible who share the same desires to expand their minds, hearts and ultimately souls.

I know it sounds like hyperbole, but as we drove down the mountain at end of the weekend, a deep contentment coursed through me as I watched my mother sleep in the car while my mother and father in law joked around, and my wife and sister in law sat all the way in the back of the large SUV, and that was just one car while there were two more similarly filled. More than twenty of us made the trek to be together, to share meals, laughter, inside moments, music, dance, the morning light and quiet, the bright sharp sun that kept the chill just at bay.

Each meal done by different people from the moms to their children to the constant baby talk from the 4 month old to the oldest (my mom), we covered it all, and my selfish heart wanted more of this, it wasn’t enough, there were some I wished who were there, the one I always want around from PApa to baby maasi to my sisters and their kids, yet the people there made it such a perfect trip that I knew it was just my own greed, to share with my loved ones since my brother in law and sister in law had created such a perfect birthday event which included so many when they could have simply kept it to themselves.

It is times like these that makes me appreciate them even more, at their efforts to make our bonds stronger, to ensure that their children experience as much love as they have from so many rather than a few. It can be easy to keep it small, but their determination to expand their world, and ours filled me with so much gratitude, and mental pictures that I can savor on my time. I can’t wait for the next trip, to perhaps copy their efforts and make my world experience just a bit bigger with others, or just maybe, I will get more time with the ones in Big Bear, and that just makes my world a bit better anyway.

Thank you Sabina and Rick. Your efforts are truly appreciated.