Inpsiration, Journal, Legal

October 1

It’s strange to think that in just three months, 2018 will come to an end. It hits me that after 9 months, there are so many goals I didn’t even get to, and perhaps it was a stretch to try to do so much. Yet it comes down to responsibility not as in blame, but in that instead of blaming others, my failure or lack of action was due to the choices I made and no one else.  It’s strange to even say 2019, but here it is. A futuristic sounding year, and I picture what it will look like. Will it be more of the same, or will I make gains in all areas of my life?

Again, it comes back to me. Everything I desire requires work and action from me not wishful thinking. If I want to improve relations with loved ones, I get to be present. If I want success in work, I get to do good work (the referrals will come), if I want to be in service, I get to show up and do those things. Over and over again, I am reminded that if I want change in my life, it comes down to my thoughts and actions. It has never been up to others or circumstances, those are just victim stories I can tell myself to give myself excuses.

Sure, life happens, but how I deal with it is still my choice. So 3 months to, I hope to end it with a bang!

Happy October (and Monday)

Food For Thought, Inpsiration

A Rough Day

Yesterday was not an easy day. It’s been over 8 months since Papa has been going, yet it still feels so raw. Mostly because I haven’t allowed myself to process my grief. It’s just easier to look at the unfairness of things, to be snippy at others at their “luck” of having dads still.

My selfishness knows no bounds when it comes to my emotions and thoughts. I buried myself in feeling sad and sorry for myself, yet it hit me as I hiked Hellman Trail yesterday that my father would have hated me this way. He was a happy-go-lucky guy who would try anything to make his loved ones smile. So not was I dishonoring his memory, I upset others with my crappy attitude.

Then a beautiful message from my wife hit me to my core, and I lived yesterday with a new sense of urgency: to not waste time and energy on things I cannot change. Then I also noticed how so many had reached out, and the most I could muster was a lame thank you. It is in times of need that I sometimes truly forget that I am never alone. I just make myself feel that way which only serves the selfish need inside me to dwell rather than take responsibility.

So each day will be a focus on less feeling sorry for myself, and then finding way to be in service to others. It’s what my father would have wanted.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Tasks Versus Goals

In just a few days, March ends. We are 1/4 of the way done with 2017. That boggles my mind. Each month,  I take a few minutes to take stock of the month with the same question: am I living a life worth living?  The answer for this year so far has been a resounding yes. Are there challenges? Failures? Missed opportunities?  Of course, to say otherwise assumes that I am done learning, pushing myself and ensuring I am present for others. There is the constant urge to keep moving, to do more, be of service to others, but there are times I also know that I can get more task oriented rather than goal focused.

Last week, after speaking to my accountability buddy, it occurred to me while its fine to get through my to do list, I get to focus on what my vision is. It is not about lists or tasks, but creating a life that matters and makes the world better than when I came into it. It is that drive that gets me to be up before 6am most mornings because the excuses of “not enough time” no longer works if I truly want change.

Food For Thought, Myself

Blabbering On Goals

76860c9f3dac9cd997e2d190be7f1bc7As I come close to revising a personal essay about Papa, it hit me that it is appropriate that I am beginning to approximate his waking time. I cannot help telling anyone that will listen how much I get done, and all that I wish to achieve this year. Yet a part of me cannot help feeling like a fraud and a blabbermouth. Doubt hangs heavy in the mornings when I struggle through my writing and review my goals. It feels as if I am kidding myself when day after day some goals remain not done or even forgotten. Yet I know there is more going on: Fear. Fear that I am a fraud, that I am boring others, that I am arrogant and egotistical for constantly sharing,  Fear that I am not good enough, and that I fill space by going on and one about what I wish to do.

But then slowly certain goals get done, great feedback from my Writers Groups, becoming athlete of the month at the gym, spending connected time with  my family, friends and being in service to others. All those things started with small steps, and false starts. They all began with me declaring and blabbering.  So I get to get out of my head and into action, knowing that I may not get to all or most of my goals, but I will still be further along than when I started.

Brownness

Half Way: A Blog Post

New Year Sunrise
Image by joka2000 via Flickr

Yesterday, marked the halfway point for 2011.  I was surprised to see that reminder from the Change Anything blog (changeanything.com) a book that I am currently reading, not because I had not followed through on my New Years resolution.com but mainly because I had stayed the course.  I lost weight, I started reading again, planned and took a few trips and wrote some.  I did not just have one resolution but many and I am sticking to them not because I wanted to because I needed to.  In the past few years, I have begun to feel less like myself and more a social being trying to please others and you know what, it fucking sucks!  I much rather be in the days when I was true to my vision and focus and did what I pleased but then I realized that was not ideal either as I often did events that made much less money than I expected.  I never did find the balance of running a successful promotion company and label, and a personal life.  But few years back, I felt like I had sold myself out just to be successful but even writing that does not feel true.  The reality is that I always managed to get to the halfway but somewhere, somehow, I get derailed before getting to the end, and that is what worries me.  Losing focus.  My dream is to be the person I have always imagined myself to be, and at 39, I don’t have much time before I am defined by the years behind me.

So here’s to being halfway there, sticking to my guns and being the person I have always imagined myself to be.  Wish me luck.

Brownness

March 1

by Jemal Yarbrough

Tomorrow begins the stage for a lot of changes in my life.  With one journey finally put behind, I am now ready to take get on several untraveled roads before my 40th birthday.  I know most of us start New Years resolutions at the end of a year so why now?  My reply back is why not?  I had no idea what to expect in December and was completely in the dark.  In a way, the time spent caring for her and others, as well receiving and accepting help from others made me realize how much I missed being the one that always had a plan.

Somewhere, somehow, something ignited in me that I can no longer ignore.  Why 40? because it’s a pinnacle of sorts. It not now, then when?  If I don’t work on losing weight, writing, learning spanish and doing an event, then when?  I just accepted life as it came along, never realizing that life is what you make of it.  Sure, people will think I am crazy, some will just shake their heads because they have heard this before (notably my family), and others will laugh (probably many), but something is different, I have had my Harajuku moment (from the Four Hour Body by Timothy Ferris, http://www.fourhourbody.com ) and I know I want to be better, or maybe just myself again. I want to do all the things I envisioned doing earlier except just got side-tracked.

Don’t get my wrong, I wouldn’t change anything (not the stroke, not the cancer, not the divorce), nothing because each had something to teach and until I got the lesson, they would have continued repeating it.  So tomorrow isn’t just a new day, it’s a 9 month march towards achieving to the best of my abilities, come hell or high water.  I’ll be damned if I enter 40 flabby, unpublished and demoralized.

You are my witness.  Keep me honest.  I will also be blogging regular updates on my new focus.