Brownness

Regret about a Permanent Rash Decision

This past week, I managed to damage an incredible relationship I have had with a group of friends that I have known for over seven years. We were certain we would be lifelong friends, but now I am not so certain due to my own rash actions. Even though I apologized and really heard them (as painful as it was), it does not come close to my rash decision and what pain it caused for them. Now things do pass, passions calm down, and I know it may not seem as serious as now, but I am truly not sure.

This is a pattern in my life that sometimes serves me, but more often than not leads me down a path of expecting others to act the way I want them to act. Yes my routines, actions, journeys, goals support me, but they also tend to cause me to judge others and not see them in their beauty, their journey. As much as I keep saying there is no right or wrong, I still lean towards judgement when really empathy, awareness and maturity are needed. There is also the presumption that my way is the right way, and while it may be for me, it really does not mean it is for others.

So now I worry, and am in deep regret because my selfishness and holier than thou attitude hurts the ones I really care about. Is it the end of the world, no. But it could be the end of the friendship unless I make amends and meet them where they are at without judgment, without making it about me and my journey, and just be a good friend. It will take a long time to repair something that I broke in seconds. But I have no one blame but myself. As much as I don’t realize it, I still have a lot of growing up to do.

Brownness

Tastings

This weekend turned out to be one of tastings, from whiskey to brunch to an actual desi movie (my first in a theater in 2 years). It can be easy to focus on the things I am not doing (not going to different destinations), but more and more I am also choosing more things to make myself uncomfortable (like signing up for the Long Beach Marathon next year), and looking into doing my first triathlon.

I am looking forward to a trip I have planned in January, and I can’t wait to see how this year ends. Between the uncertainty. the paradoxes of seeing the politics for many of my friends (and my own), I am even more determined to staying open, to learning, to getting curious.

On Friday, I ended an accountability call that has been going on for almost 6 years, and while I regret as to how I ended things, I don’t regret the decision because I became too judgmental and wanted too many things that the group could no longer provide. Seeing how I ended it tells me I have a ways to go in communication and decision making. It felt wrong the way I did it, and there is a chance to make that exit better.

As much as sometimes it seems life is static, when I do these posts I am yet again reminded of how blessed I am with the people in my life. That no matter life goes on, and its important to mark occasions even as simple as whiskey tastings, or going to brunch or watching a funny indian movie with the wife and friends, It’s what makes life worth living.

Happy Monday!

Brownness

13.1, 50, 185, and 345

This past weekend, I learned one of my biggest lessons in frustration and idiocy. As I have mentioned before I’d been training for the Long Beach Marathon for the past 3 months. The last week of training, my unofficial racing coach advised to take it easy and not do crazy “crossfit” like box jumps or deadlifts and of course, but were programmed and I did them both. Luckily, the box jumps were on a monday, but the deadlifts were too good to pass as it mean I could set a new PR. All rationality left my mind, and my ego hijacked my body as I strained and got myself a new personal record of 345 pounds times 3. The first two lifts were fine, but on the third, I felt a unusual twinge and immediately I felt pain. But my pride and ego continued to damage me because instead of bowing out of the workout AFTER the lift, I did the recommended weight of 185 for 35 reps, ensuring that whatever chance I had of not causing more pain evaporated.

Thanks to my chiro and wife, I managed to rest and ice, but on the day of 13.1 mile race, I grew nervous as my back felt sore. The first mile I was tentative at 13 minute page, and as I warmed up I went to a 12 minute 30 second pace, and it felt like all was well until my back seized up around mile 8 and I knew I was in trouble. Thankfully, I managed to finish the run, but I couldn’t help shaking the feeling that I could have done so much better.

I forgot to really tap into gratitude for the fact that I managed to run so much in pain. I wanted to overlook my accomplishments, because to me, as I get closer to 50 I am driven to do better, to be the best version of myself. And that rush may cost me. So I get to slow it down, to not rush to 50, to not get caught up in the numbers but live the life I am meant to be and be damn proud of it!

Happy Monday!