On Uncertainty

Another quiet morning, A new week begins. The tasks written down for the week along with the daily ones spelled out for today yet uncertainty prevails. A growing anxiety for new things never done, new learnings, a distant future coming closer, another anniversary, planning for upcoming travel, I waver and keep thinking of all the things that need to be taken care of, the people to support, the goals to be achieved.

Over and over, I go over the things, my dreams filled with to do lists, but the foundation is the uncertainty, of not knowing how it will all turn out, even though experience tells me that usually things are never as bad or as difficult as I expect them to be. So really the not being sure is more a low level anxiety that pushes me forward, ensures that I don’t take things for granted. Too much of those feelings can stifle me, make me hesitant to take even a simple step or move me to procrastinate or engage in social media rather than real work.

And so it comes down to becoming aware, to focusing on the present, to defining or fleshing things out or diving into the tasks, slashing away the web of inaction and worry, creating new steps, new ways to get to my destination. There are times when the repetition of these feelings exhausts me, makes me want to continue to snooze, to lay in bed and get back to dreamless sleep, but the pounding brain and heart thrum with uncertainty so, in defeat, I fling the the blanket and get up to face the day.

And in this morning quiet, a steely determination grows, to fight the vines of uncertainty, to cut them away with tasks, action, and acknowledgment. I start a new day, inviting the lack of certainty to guide me to new goals, dreams and growth.


On Patience

This past weekend, I got a lesson in patience as I house sat for my family and their dog.I realized my preconceptions made it much harder to be patient until I just let go and accepted things as they were not as I wished them to be. Over and over, the lessons present to me the same thing that once I go into acceptance, my patience increases tenfold. It is when I worry or make up stuff in my head then do I make myself feel worse, and create extra unneeded tension.

I admit I am getting better at it. No longer does my heart pound when a new client walks in with a new situation, and no longer do I feel like am imposter as a lawyer. I see large leaps in the person I have become after deciding to take a private clients and so now I stretch further in my personal life. This weekend became a great reminder that letting go of anxiety is the surest way to enjoy the present and what looked like a challenge turned in well not much of anything.

Yet I do still seem to fall into this pattern of overthinking and not accepting the way things are rather than how I wish them to be. I realize that I do myself no favors when I insist on the world being a certain way or allow my thoughts to dominate me rather than taking the time to step back and just take it in. I remind myself that patience is not just for others but for myself as well. Then when I fail to check in with my impatience, I miss the opportunity to consider what is really going on with me.

Only in the quiet of the morning do I learn the same lessons but in a different way. I get to patient not only with others but myself which allows me to grow and become a better version of myself.


On Saying Goodbye

We all know the cliches, its not goodbye, its see you later or until we meet again, but to the ones facing the loss, these types of words and sentiments are pretty useless. What I found supportive are just friends being around to discuss stories, have quick laughs and crys and then back again to that circle. It is how we keep memories alive of the person, first in the moments then day to day and then that person really never disappears because they are all around you. The worst part is the ones who tell you to be strong or want to know the hows and why, their morbid curiosity more important than their empath in that moment, one that makes me want to shove people out the door.

Yet it is important to remember that the ones that do show up and stick around, they are the ones that matter, the ones who show by just being around that it is okay to fall apart, to cry until the tears run dry but you can’t stop. The reality is that more and more death is around me as I get older and unfortunately now I am becoming more and more comfortable with the etiquette of death, but I truly wish I didnt know, that I was back in the bliss of ignorance but others dont have that luxury any longer.

It is hard to witness the ones who have to bear the loss far longer than you, because we have the choice to leave and let them be with their grief. My only goal when in attendance is not to amplify that sorrow in any way, to just be there, ready to share, hug, listen and just be present and not make it about it in any sort of way. It can be hard to hear others give useless advice when a person is in deep grief, but it hits m that just like my goal is to be presents, theirs could be to just get them to heal faster. The reality, the only thing that will help is remembrance and slow agonizing time to dull the pain which never really goes away. But that’s okay too because saying goodbye to a loved one is never an option.