March 2014 – Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

I have to admit, I am more nervous than excited about the Tough Mudder I am about to take on Saturday. We did a dry run of sort two weeks ago, and as one of the last people to come up the hill at the Top of the Mountain Trail, it suddenly it hit me that I am not very athletic. Even in Junior high, I signed up for the Volleyball team, only to spend all my time on the bench except for the one time where the coach made me come in for a play, and I was able to block the spike. So five months of after school practice came down to one play. Then I also joined the track team, where I signed up to do the mile and I consistently came last. I was so slow that the guy who won was one whole lap ahead of me. Then in high school, I joined the wrestling team, and managed to lose every single match. Thank God. I never tried for the basketball team. That’s probably because I can’t dribble and run at the same time. Coordination has never been my strong suit.

So as I walked that final hill, it hit me that really what am I good at is finishing. It won’t be pretty. It definitely won’t be fast, but I will finish. I am going to lumber up and down the 10 miles that the Tough Mudder has laid out for me, but one thing is for sure. I don’t know the word give up very well. I do wish that I am not last. As I told my best friend Jemal, it’s not that I want to be first, I just am a bit tired of being last. Yet he reminded me that a year ago around this time approximately, I had undergone surgery. I concede that point, but part of me doesn’t want that crutch when I know my lack of athleticism well.

I also know I am my own biggest critic. That negative self talk of mine has been back full force. I constantly forget that I began doing this because I didn’t want to be 230 pounds anymore. And really the races are a way to switch things up so I don’t use the excuse of being bored. So as Franklin Covey says, “Keep the End in Mind.” I need to look for the finish line, and not for whose behind me.

BK Shivani said that just like you don’t yell at others constantly, we also need to be gentle with ourselves. Take a moment, think of all the negative sub talk that is going on in your mind. I know I am guilty of it. There was a constant river of berating myself for not being focused, not working out, not writing, not working, not being good enough, not eating well, not keeping up with friends, not being better and on and one. This was the soundtrack of my daily life. And I am pretty sure it’s yours. We are constantly beating ourselves for what we are failing to do. Yet we don’t take the time to be grateful for what we do have and what we are doing. I know I was guilty of that. I also know how silly one can feel being grateful for what we have. It just seems natural. It’s there. I want what I don’t have. We have this need for what we cannot ever grasp in our hands, yet each moment that we pass without thinking of what we have, we move further away.

Two years ago, I was perhaps the furthest I have ever been from writing and reading. Two very simple things that I have done most of my life, and at first I dismissed them as simple things that I would get to. Then I became addicted to social media, constantly checking and rechecking other’s updates about images, stories and things that in the long run did not add much value in my life. Don’t get me wrong. I am not bashing social media, but for me what I thought were simple things to ignore allowed me to use shallow posts to become my crutches.

So I began reading, then writing every day. Now I struggle with how much I can do each day with me adding learning Spanish, Meditation, and working out. I say all this not to brag, but that instead of the negative self-talk, I accept who and what I am. Yes. there are days, many of them infact, that I don’t get to all that I want to get done, but you know what? Its OK. I give myself a break. I now see that even when I dont get to do all that I want, I still get something wonderful, like an hour long phone conversation with a great friend, or getting to know something about Preeti that I didn’t know, or doing something completely new.

In a nutshell, be gentle with yourself. Stop the negative talk. Enjoy the moment. Take a breath. And then keep moving.