Between the illnesses, the deaths, the treatments, the grief, the one thing I counted on was you. You were there no matter what, even we were not in alignment. You supported all my ventures, and always encouraged me even when I doubted myself. Sure, I didn’t make it easy with my stubbornness and insistence on being right. There were days it hasn’t been easy, but so many more where it felt the day slipped away in seconds. So much laughter, joy, along with a sprinkle of anger, frustration, yet we kept plugging along.
You have been in my life a lot longer than being my wife, and I count that to be a blessing. Marriage anniversaries are a great way to reflect and remember you, my partner, the one who still takes my breath away. I wish I took more opportunities to show you my love, and I will working on that, but on this day, I can at least take joy in being able to hold you, and have you know that you are loved deeply. I know the sap is getting thick in here, and this message perhaps too personal for some to be put on a blog.
Yet as a writer, I am moved to express what’s coming up for me, so I want to tell you again. I love you, Preeti. And Happy Anniversary!
My eyes opened, my heart still hurt. Not the physical kind. The kind where facing the day sounds overwhelming, and each movement feels like a struggle. My latest victim: running plan. I am being coached by an amazing person who has been nothing but kind with encouragement and daily coaching. But this past weekend, I couldn’t get myself to do the long run of 90 minutes. The idea just felt overwhelming, but more than anything else, i was bone tired. The kind of tired where each step feet like I had lead feet.
I struggled to move, and as I put on my running shoes, I knew my determination would take me out of the door, but at what cost? I sat down on the couch and checked in with myself. My ego was at play I realized. I had worked out 5 days in a row, and the long run would make it 6, but for what?
It’s hard to distinguish between anxiety, laziness and tiredness. Yet I knew I’d pushed myself hard this week. I didn’t allow myself to feel what was going inside. I’d busied myself with tasks and to do list, and not listened to what was going on inside. I was tired. Physically but also emotionally. The pain in my heart. I had to feel to heal it. And it hurt. So much of my life spent on doing rather than feeling the struggle, acknowledging that life hurts, that shit happens and you have to see it for what it is. So I can grow, get better, but most of all, heal. Because if I just put on another layer of distraction and work, I lose change to be a better me. To help others grow through their pain. But again, I had to put on the oxygen mask on first before helping others. I had to hurt so I could heal. The struggle real, but important. So I sat back down, allowed my body rest while my mind felt it all.
And then, a little lighter, feeling rested, I get back up this week. Happy Monday!
Mid July. Another chance to start over or continue on my vision. A chance to do over some things, or perhaps begin a new chapter. A choice to lead, or be lead. So much opportunity lies in a day, and how I choose to begin it means the difference between a super productive week or one where I am left scratching my head, wondering where the week went. More and more, the morning quiet beckons me to take time to reflect, ponder, and reconnect with my vision.
I admit some mornings I get caught up in to-do lists rather than checking in with myself to see where my head and heart are at. The time to just feel, to figure out if my path for the day is clear or just one task after another. Easy to just check off things rather than see where my mind and heart are at.
Some days are filled with passion, desire and the things to get things done ASAP, and then another more frequent days where the idea of doing work just sounds like lifting boulders continuously. It’s easy to find stories, to play victim, to not want to do things, but then based on results, if I am still where I don’t want to be then I have no one else to blame.
The big word is responsibility. It’s to be, it’s up to me. It sucks though because it means to take ownership in every aspect of my life rather than sit around and just believe that its because of other people, other things, other crises, I am not where I want to be. So another Monday. A new day. To make it day 1 or one day. The choice is always mine. What’s yours?
Recently, a dear friend asked me my secret to my “rigor” i.e. my commitment to my vision to the various areas of my life. For a while, I didn’t know how to answer that question because to be quite honest, most days I feel like I am playing catch up. It’s easy to disregard the tasks that got done and compare myself to my large declarations for the year. I forget that to eat a whole pie, one has to start with the first diet (oh yeah, I love food).
Each morning, I wake up to a choice. stay put or move forward. There are days I go back to bed, but more often than not, I get up and begin my morning ritual of morning pages, meditation, morning reading, dog walking and sometimes the gym. I do it not out of obligation but the fervent belief in my vision: to be the best version of myself in all areas of my life. I really sat with that. It wasn’t a wish or a desire. Well, it could be if I did nothing to make my vision come true. You see, vision doesn’t have to be specific, but it takes specific action to realize your vision. To that end, I now have an accountability group that cares not only about my vision, but is more than willing to call me up when I am not feeling 100%. I also use a planner, a time for tasks, google sheets to keep abreast on pending tasks and goal. I use many tools to ensure I am on task.
The past few weeks have not been easy as good friends are dealing with personal losses, and I wish I could do more to be in service to them. It’s tempting to lose focus, and allow the day to happen. And I admit there is time like that, but when I take time to reflect, to remember my reasons for being, I can do much for others when my heart is full. There will be always be a crisis going on. Always a loss. Always something that pulls you toward an issue not of your making, and it’s remembering time and time again that if I am not fulfilled, if I am not committed to my vision, I will not be the best person for those tough situations.
So I train each day. I get up. I focus. I make declarations, and hope that I get to all of them. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Rigor isn’t about getting shit done, but it’s about checking in what it is that I want my life to be. It’s about knowing that I never gave up on myself. That I get to be my word to myself first because if I am not in integrity to myself, how can I believe i can be of service to others? So I get up. Kick ass. Then repeat.
It’s surreal to write July 1st, 2019, and yet in a way it’s not much of a surprise either. With each day, I have an option, do I live a day of vision, or twenty hours to kill. Do I make a difference or do I act indifferent? Each morning I open my eyes to light, and I have a choice to go rise up into it or close my eyes and go dark for longer? The main difference being is that do I more dark time than light?
It’s not easy being so hard on myself, to feel like I am chasing something, that I am here on this Earth to do more than just exist. Yet there are times, it feels overwhelming, where I just want to put the blanket over my head and just dream but not make my dreams a reality. There is a balance to be had, and one of the perks of my new accountability group is that we insist on making goals on all areas of our lives including fun and recreation. It’s easy to get lost in tasks or career or health or just one area of your life and neglect the others, but that’s not a life, that’s just passing time.
And so with July 1st here, I look forward to end of 2019, to getting closer to my visions, to accomplishing dreams, to making a difference, to leaving a legacy. That’s the life I desire, but the price of admission comes with grit, consistency, accountability and responsibility.
What will you do to make your vision come true? Happy Monday!