November 2019 – Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Kindness

November 27, 2019 Sanjay Sabarwal

A simple word. Easy to say even, and yet I find it extremely difficult to be kind when I am in judgement, or with difficult people. Yet, I also know that is when it’s needed most. Recently I dealt with a belligerent client who berated me, and pointed out everything I was doing wrong. The commentary went on for a long time, and I wished for them to just go away, and I even raised my voice. However, it hit me that kindness is easy when it’s for people you like or get along with, hardest when one is tested .

I have learned that my belief about myself gets tested when I fall into a pattern of judgement. I catch myself often thinking others should be, or do better than they are, and it hits me that I too have struggled. I, too, took a long time to mature, and I am still learning. Each person is on their own journey, and unless asked to support others, all I can offer them and myself is kindness and patience.

So kindness is a practice that I will never master until I learn to let go of my ego. When that will be, who knows, but I know that saying something is miles away from being that way. It shows up in all areas of my life so I continually work on it. I put myself in position to be in front of unkind people, not to torture myself, but to learn, grow, and hopefully, at some point, to forgive.

Happy Thanksgiving all.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Unfading

November 18, 2019 Sanjay Sabarwal

The weekday morning quiet is my favorite time of the day. Outside, darkness still reigns, and I am usually awake before my 5:30 am alarm. I can hear the dog’s gentle snore, and I take extra care to get out of bed as not to wake her because once she is up, she follows me endlessly until I take her for a walk. But this time is my time. An hour snatched out of the day so I can read, write, and think. The past few days, I experienced vulnerability from others and ownership about their feelings, and it hit me that while my memories have not faded, I act as if they do.

I no longer speak his name, or bring up his passing, yet it’s always there. It’s easy to get lost in the tasks, and all this busyness I have created, harder to admit that slowing down or cutting down on commitments is not quitting or giving up, it’s giving priority to people who matter. It’s not easy seeing my blind spots. It’s appealing to just go, go, go, fill up the time rather than be present, still, and curious about what’s coming up or me.

There is so much more I could do with less distractions, and projects. Loved ones who deserve my attention, ears, and love. Not my intent, but my actions. Not platitudes, but spending meaningful time. Not being defensive when called out, but open to hearing, no! listening to their unmet needs.

So while the memories haven’t faded, my resolve to do better increases. His legacy is unfading, and I get to be more like him. Mend all relationships around me, and be an inspiration rather than a drain.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Detox

November 5, 2019 Sanjay Sabarwal

Last Month, I decided to detoxify after my overly indulgent trip in New York, I decided to not drink until after my race mid october, and after the race, I pushed it to end of the month, and now in November I am taking it day by day. I will drink when I feel like it. I remember this feeling as this is what I did with becoming vegetarian. I have learned to listen to my body, and in return, I have had minimal to no sickness, my energy levels skyrocketed, and I just felt good in general. Yet, I also know that it is not for everyone nor do I preach it to anyone. It works for me.

Just like not drinking until I feel like it. I see now that I am constantly trying ways to break myself down so I can get better. Do I always succeed? Not even close. There are so many areas in which I could do better, yet I also know that I can only try and be aware of my flaws, and then find ways to cope with life. Taking away ways I can hide is one of them. It’s easy to break open a beer or have a drink or two because I had a rough day or I could just sit in the shit, and let myself feel.

It’s not easy because the tempting part is to deny, avoid, not feel, to blame, to not take responsibility. It’s plain sucky to know that I am responsible for all that happens in my life. It makes for a very hard journey. But I continue to press on. I get the privilege of this life, and I get to get better at living in it. There is so much I regret, but I am determined to continue to blow myself up (figuratively) to get better, and to perhaps, one day, be worthy of forgiveness.