Brownness

Life Events

This past week I got a chance to participate in my first pandemic influenced wedding, and to call it strange would be a huge understatement. But you know what didn’t change? The love, the laughter, the crying, the stress of being on time, all the things that take place during multiple occasions.

And then just like that, it’s over and a certain sadness looms in the rooms when just hours early so much joy was shared. And then there I got some news about a beautiful soul transitioning from this planet. At first, a small numbness and then memories flooded in about someone who has been around all my life and even longer.

I found it interesting that while one person begins a new journey as a husband, another is reaching their time here. Both events caused pain, joy , sorrow, but most of all a appreciation of being to experience them at all. Sometimes words can’t make up for what’s inside me so I choose to just feel.

Brownness, Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A fruitful bitter weekend

It is always a blessing to spend time with those who genuinely enjoy your company. Two weekends ago, I felt so much love, connection and warmth while I quietly also grieved for my aunt. It was a surreal weekend in that so many emotions intertwined inside me, yet I know that many memories were made, and relationships deepened.

It took me two weeks to process and I realized that as I get older, my loved one do too. I will see more passings, more transitions, and I know that time with them has a bit of urgency to it that I wish it didn’t.  Already, I have experienced three deaths, and while they are alive in my mind, I also see myself not saying as much as I could. I keep the pain buried, but it is also in my actions. I am quieter, and then I am not. The pendulum inside me goes from wanting to shout out all my feelings or to remain still and feel them all.

Not much time goes by that regret doesn’t pierce my heart and I wonder how many missed opportunities I had with my dad and aunts. How easy it would have been to pick up the phone, to tell them I miss and love them one more time?

And what about the ones still here? What can I do better? I know that as the relationships deepen with others, more memories are made, but I also know its important to maintain old and new friends, to be there for family, to know that I didn’t spend my days worrying about a future I can’t control, and instead spent it in experiences.

I not only tasted wine, but got to be around people who genuinely wanted the best for me, and I also got to say goodbye to an amazing soul. I don’t think I can ask for much more. Spend more time with loves is the new motto!

Brownness

17 & 4

This week I hit the milestone of 17 miles, the most I have ever run, and yet I couldn’t help feeling let down. After  4 hours of nonstop running, the best I could do was 17?!  That’s the problem sometimes with motivation and self-talk. I can overlook how far I have come and get caught up how far I have to go. With each mile that I got done, as I walked the one minute after, I kept thinking that oh crap I will be lucky if I finish the LA marathon in 6 hours (which is now only 4 weeks away.) And it was easy to forget this was a bucket list item.  It doesn’t matter what time I do it in. The goal is to finish,

Now a month away, the LA Marathon seems so close by, and I wonder if I am ready. If my just running outside, doing crossfit, doing recovery and resting my body will matter when I hit the course for the first time. Already, I am worried about getting there on time, and what will I do if the course ends up being more difficult than I imagined.

On and on the thoughts pore on as I ran, and part of me felt despair until it hit me that at 48 I was doing things that my 18 year old self would have never dared. I am pushing my body to do things that I didn’t think possible, and instead of worrying about the race, I needed to prepare as best as I could, and then enjoy it. I have heard that from so many runners, but old habits die hard.

Yet the playlist moves me, the feet keep going, mile after mile, and I know at the end of the day no matter what happens March 8, I have already won over the old Sanjay. And at the end, that’s all that mattered anyway.

Brownness

Planning For 2020

2020 goals reminder – handwriting on an isolated sticky note, New Year resolutions and goal setting concept

2019 was a year of exploration and getting used to being uncomfortable. Along with some false starts, and taking on more projects that I could handle, I learned that being busy all the time not only does not serve me, it detracts from my quality of life. As the year approaches to a close, I am grateful for all the learning, and now it’s time to put that knowledge to use in 2020. My three overriding goals for 2020 are: 1. Relationships 2. Health 3. Law Practice (in that order of importance).  I get to continually ask if the things that I am doing serve those purposes.  It’s easy to try new, shiny things, but if all I do is jump from one exciting to another, when will I actually execute to success that things that support my progress.

So 2020 is about simplicity, about focus, about being uncomfortable in these three areas rather than all areas of my life. So why these 3 things?  Because they are what bring me joy and fear and accountability. All three allow growth, depth, and learning. All three push me to be the best version of myself. All three get me to be a better Sanjay.  Yet, there is also a growing nervousness in  me that even with three areas, I may be doing too much. Or not enough. Or worse; fail at all three.

So I am looking for tools, people and resources that best support me. What are some of yours?  I would love to know.

Happy Monday!

Brownness

New Friends

I chuckled  a bit as I read my post about old friends because it seemed to me that I was done making friends. And then new people came into my life who I had known for a few hours, but only after a great trip together with them and my wife created a spark, a connection with a whole new group. Right away, it felt right, and as much as I’d loved working out alongside these people, the real joy came from how warm and welcoming they were to my wife.

But it was more than that, the fact we were invited itself made sense once we hung out because of how we all seemed to enjoy each others company. At once, no baggage, no awkwardness, just a willingness to enjoy a place together and share some meals.

Already, we are speaking about making it a annual trip, and I just regret that it took over three years for this trip to occur. I now look forward to many years of this new friendship. I am truly grateful and blessed for the company we get to keep!

Brownness

5 Months to End of 2019

It’s surreal to write July 1st, 2019, and yet in a way it’s not much of a surprise either. With each day, I have an option, do I live a day of vision, or twenty hours to kill. Do I make a difference or do I act indifferent? Each morning I open my eyes to light, and I have a choice to go rise up into it or close my eyes and go dark for longer?  The main difference being is that do I more dark time than light?

It’s not easy being so hard on myself, to feel like I am chasing something, that I am here on this Earth to do more than just exist.  Yet there are times, it feels overwhelming, where I just want to put the blanket over my head and just dream but not make my dreams a reality. There is a balance to be had, and one of the perks of my new accountability group is that we insist on making goals on all areas of our lives including fun and recreation. It’s easy to get lost in tasks or career or health or just one area of your life and neglect the others, but that’s not a life, that’s just passing time.

And so with July 1st here, I look forward to end of 2019, to getting closer to my visions, to accomplishing dreams, to making a difference, to leaving a legacy. That’s the life I desire, but the price of admission comes with grit, consistency, accountability and responsibility.

What will you do to make your vision come true? Happy Monday!