Brownness

Trigger

Sanjay Sabarwal

Recently, I received a video which took me back to a painful moment in my life. It was a strange feeling as the person who sent the message had no idea. Their intent was to create another action, but instead I time travelled back to a time I no longer wished to remember. It made me into that child who saw things in a way that he wished he could change. Just a few moments into the video, and I turned it off but the past burned through my soul.

I tried sharing with someone what the message triggered, but in my effort to keep it vague, it most likely sailed over the persons head. To be fair, they were dealing with the contents of the video, and were not in a position to hear about my past trauma. A common theme in my life. Quiet for so long that when I do share, it is far often way too late for anyone to support me, or done here on these posts where it feels like I am just speaking to myself.

Yet putting words down to feelings is hard work when so much of my past remains unprocessed. It’s just easier to remain stoic, quiet, silent, letting time pass by, and help bury the past deeper and deeper. That strategy served me in the past but as a father now, I am not so sure that is the way to go. That is not what I want to teach Zyan. Pretending all is okay does no one good because sooner or later, you will be transported back to that helpless boy who experienced something that fractured a bond which took decades to heal.

So this year gets to be different, the way I handle the past gets to be explored, and shared, and even if the people don’t get it, I will form the words so that my son understands on how to deal with pain, past and perseverance. I may be a cliche, but that doesn’t mean the mold cannot be broken.

Brownness

3

Sanjay Sabarwal

And just like that Zyan turned 3. A blissful blur of 1095 days of us getting the joy that is Zyan. It boggles my mind that we have blessed with so much of him. That’s not to minimize the hard days or the days where you hear your parents tone when speaking with him, but the privilege to even do that is one that runs through our veins. Us. As Parents. The gratitude overflows to cover the days when there is frustration or helplessness because we are also lucky to be surrounded by so many who offer us support, give us a path forward, and there is each of us where we partner to allow an expansion of time for rest for the other, to be sure that not one is stuck doing all the things or doing the same things.

So we alternate, we pass him like a baton because in the end, the destination will matter now how we got there. And 3 years done, poof just like that. It’s hard to imagine days without him when his voice didn’t fill the home or bring such utter joy to those who love him and the lighting up of the eyes. It are those moments that provide the fuel for us to keep going to keep loving to keep growing with him. To celebrate his milestones along with ours. His birthday a reminder of our trip around the sun, 3 blazing stars orbiting together, while the 2 bigger ones ensure he doesn’t veer off into the unknown.

As we begin the 4th revolution, it’s important to parse the lessons, to get better, be around, to teach, to learn, to ensure the time spent is worthwhile and not lost in regret. These reminders more for myself than anyone else. I cannot wait to see what the new year will bring for him, and for us.

Happy Birthday Zyan!

Brownness

Cousins

Sanjay Sabarwal

This past weekend my wife’s cousin came down to visit us for Halloween, and spend time with family. Friday was a nice night of trick or treating for Zyan with his cousins and loved ones, and then the night ended with hanging at brother in law’s for his birthday which gave me a moment to take stock to see my wife hanging out with her friends and cousins and seeing Zyan do the same, and it hit me that much of younger social memories were of my own cousins, learning from them, loving them, and taking it for granted they would be social circle.

Perhaps to an outsider it may be strange, but my wife ‘s and my own family allowed us to have a foundation of trust with those who are almost like siblings but with breaks. We experienced vacations, fights, make ups, playtime, and talking with people who accepted us just as we were, and I think that allowed me to grow a bit safer than usual. What I mean is that all of us had someone we connected with, someone we could share things with that we perhaps couldn’t with others, and I think that meant a deeper trusted relationship that went beyond just blood.

Being nosy, I stared at Zyan and his cousins run around like screaming banshees, and in those moments, it warms me to know that besides us he has a deeper pool of family that he can swim to for comfort, for understanding, to be plain silly with. Besides the cousins, he also has their parents who dote on him like he is their own, and that just warms me in a familiar way because I grew in the same manner as if there were multiple set of parents to take care of us.

The weekend already a blur of activity and exhaustion, add daylights, and my son’s continually asking where Ezra is means that yet another brick was laid for his future safety of love, of connection, of being around others who get him right away. And it makes the tiredness totally worth it because we can take comfort in the fact that he will always be surrounded by those who love him unconditionally!

Brownness

Joshua Tree

Sanjay Sabarwal

This last weekend, Zyan, myself and the wife made our first trip to Joshua Tree with a lot of our family members. The plan was to stargaze but while Zyan only lasted about 15 minutes for that event, but in return, we got a magical two days where he got to spend time not only with his grandmother, aunts, and uncles but also with his cousins, and for us that’s what truly mattered. While the family planned the trip a while ago, we jumped on last minute as a surprise, and that was the seasoning that made these past few days so delicious for us all.

Were there challenges? Of course, but in the end it was all worth it. To see the massive smiles when he walked in made the 3 hour drive feel like nothing. Credit has to go to my wife who convinced us to go last minute and to not tell anyone. While uncertain as to how Zyan would handle things, I am glad we threw everything together quickly and headed out. I know for sure that this will be a memory all of will cherish and talk about and remind Zyan when he is oder how fun and difficult he made things during that time.

But more than anything his peals of laughter, the full joy of being in a jacuzzi with us and his cousins, the constant playing games with my brother in law, the endless kisses he got from my sister, the smile on my moms face seared onto my heard a memory to replay in later days. I also now have the urge to take him back when he is older to behold the splendor that is our universe. I saw for the first time through a high powered telescope, the craters on the mood and the rings of Saturn, and the curiosity and excitement it elicited in me is one I wish to replicate in his mind and heart. I was 53 years old when I did this, and for him I hope it’s at 5.

For once, Monday felt like a coming home a very long but wonderous journey, one filled with so much activity and emotion, and I cannot wait for our next destination when we do this all over again.

Brownness

Discovery Cube

Sanjay Sabarwal

This weekend, my wife finally got to experience Discovery Cube the way Zyan and I have in the past. It was truly heartening to see her excitement to see why we got a membership and have already been there almost 10 times. Each time is a different thing for Zyan, and while the old me would have scoffed at going to a place so many times, I can now look forward to more family time with just the 3 of us going, although my wife is ready to bring the whole family.

The way Zyan held on to our hands while going through all the exhibits had it own special moment, but what made the trip better was the bright smile and happiness on my wife’s face. It finally hit her why Discovery Cube not a time pass place but one the serves curiosity, new ways to look at science, and how Zyan as he gets older will find other areas in Discovery more relevant to him. For now, he’s happy to bounce between the Recycling truck race area, the Zamboni, and then also playing in the mini playground around on the ground floor made just for toddlers.

The hours flew as we just got to see our son jump and whiz around in pure unadulterated joy while his mother beamed, and couldnt stop saying how cool it was. In my quest to find new things for Zyan, I am still quite grateful that Discovery Cube has become part of our weekend routine whenever we want Zyan to smile wide. Seeing him point towards it while on the freeway is just another huge plus.

To say we had a good weekend would be a massive understatement.

Happy Monday

Brownness

87

Sanjay Sabarwal

The numbers become more and more important. This past weekend, we lost the Patriarch of my moms family. My mother’s eldest brother went on to join the Great Divine after being here for a bit more than 87 years. What I do know is that he went without fear as his devotion to the One was great, and I hope one I too can emulate his strength, knowledge and love. He was the oldest of 11 siblings of which only 4 remain, one being my mother, and I would be lying if the question didn’t come to me for her: how long does she grace my life? Each of these siblings created a dynamic universe that we assumed was normal, but it wasn’t. They did well, had booms, busts, and then slowly each of them came to the One who allowed them peace.

My uncle was amazing in that he made anyone that came into contact with him feel special. He had a way of connecting of the past to the present which felt as if no time had passed when I was around him as a baby. He had a special name for everyone, and for me it Sanjay Shah, a title truly for which I am undeserving unless its ruling over doubt and unworthiness, but in his presence, it all felt doable like it fit

I am glad I got to see him a few months ago in New York, and for once, there is no regret because I experienced him in his calm element. His grace and joy at seeing all of us together, the ultimate gift. This is a man who gave so much of himself in service to others, but yet never asked for anything in return. This is the legacy we get to live, and I am truly grateful I got a chance to spend some time in his light. He will be missed, but I also know he will hanging out with his best friend as well, my father. Makes sense he left the same month as him.