July 2009 – Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

There is nothing like having a lot of family visiting that brings up issues that you rather not deal with. From being unmarried to wondering whats going on with my life, I have been blessed to have critical but extremely loving cousins who are so much fun to hang out with that 3 weeks have seemed like 3 days. From daily gambling nights to unending laughter, it is more than a tinge of regret that I see them go in a few days.

In a way, they are my gut check, letting me know where my life is without making me feeling like a complete failure. Sure, there are some tensions especially trying to go somewhere where everyone will be happy, and God forbid we actually all end up at the same place with the kids. However, at the end of it all, we all walk away with great memories and an even deeper love. I wish I could show that to others close to me who are not in my family or about to enter my family. Nowhere else is there such a safety net yet one filled with pointed concern.

There are days, I cant imagine not running someone from my family and there are many days where I just rather hide than have be emotionally naked in fron of them. I am ashamed of my fear, pain and hurt, and yet they are the main reserves of strength. Go figure…

I dont know when I turned into someone who thinks more about what he needs to do than actually do. Time was, I would jump into something and think about the consequences later or be so full of ideas that I would start a new business almost every day.

But things changed somehow, and I slowed down. As much as I regret my earlier passion for the new and cutting edge, I am now comfortable snuggling into a regular work and family day. I enjoy the rush of laughing and teasing with family instead of hanging outside a club arguing with the bouncer on why I should be let in.

Obviously, some things are easier now if I wanted to do (like go clubbing) but the thrill is only in sharing with good friends and my beautiful girlfriend. What I mean is that the night out has to have meaning, it cant be a random night which I dont remember. I guess what I am trying to say is that each moment I seek has to have meaning. It’s as if the memories are more important than the rush of a random event.

Maybe this doesnt make sense but I rather stay in the present than constantly wonder how about the future. After all, its the time I am spending now that matters rather than what could be. So I take in the days and moments, and I know this is the very best moment I could be in. No more wishful thinking, no more yearning for a better future. This moment, right here, right now.

The rest will happen as my present: inevitable and hopefully fruitful.