Month: May 2008

Each day begins with the identical thought: organize, figure out the day, the to do list and somehow contribute value to the business.  The motivation is there, and the so is the passion, and then I open the email box, and time becomes a garbage disposal instead of a creator.  I spent more time chucking away stuff then actually adding a new block to the business.  Atleast thats how it feels most days.  And then instead of hours of wanting to do work, I instead begin to count the time I am here. 

Today is no real exception.  I sat down in the chair at 9:17 and in the last 80 minutes, the only thing of value has been reviewing a response from an attorney which led to a bout of anxiety, can I really be an attorney?  And then some time was blasted away as I whined about my relationship, and then it hit me.  I  had no foundation I could rely on.  What I took for granted was in fact in need for repair, and until I got rid “of the stuff in the basement” (per Rocky Balboa), I would forever begin wasted days, and worst of all dry my soul a bit more. (damn my typos are getting worse)

So where does one begin when you think your entire life is in for an overhaul?  I mean seriously, is there a place that can teach you how to live again?  I mean its great to question shit all day long and even thing about them but damn it, it would be amazing to get answers once in a while.  I mean instead of shitting all over the place, I for once would like to be outside all clean.  Is that too much to ask?

And no I dont want Depends!

I heard that word a few times this week, and for some moments it stuck to me, and in others it helped me let go of some rituals.  I go to my parents every morning to do a small prayer and recent events in my life have told me that instead of having faith in the ritual, I need to perhaps reach and grab for what rightfully belongs to me.  But then again, doesnt that still allow faith in?  I have been struggling for a bit now, and while sometimes faith builds my backbone, my heart crushes it.  I almost believe in letting go, but hurt makes me grasp my heart even more tightly. 

Each day I begin with the thought that perhaps today is the day where pain wont be my friend but faith, but they both seem dishonest: promising so much but delivering nothing.  I approach jumbles, work with a fogginess brought on my faith, and only anger seems to be able to punch back.

Enough with the word jumbles, I need to lose faith so I can begin living again.  Or maybe I need to have faith in faith or pretend that I understand my own actions.  Either way, I pound on these words with nothing but thoughts that seem so clear yet come out as confused as this blog. 

Let me let you go, I have wasted enough of your time, and definitely a lot of my brain.  Let me try again tomorrow, perhaps a new day may bring a new faith.  Or not.

I dont know about you but for me a trip represents a chance to find a new way to make a connection, think of something that was lost or forgotten, but mostly its just a chance to feel that I can step out of my life willingly and relearn what it means to be alive.  Or vice versa.  

You can learn a lot about a person when you travel with them, from how they are in the car for long periods of time to how open they are to trying new things.  When its a new person, all bets are off because we are clothed in our desire to please.  BUt in consequent visits, as we disrobe, we also let go of our politeness and willingness to cooperate.  So any trip can represent a new battle, or a revisit to old problems or the perfect trip where everthing manages to be new, beautiful, and an experience.  I guess stuff that memories are made of. 

Thats the word that fills my brain most of the time Time and again, I miss the cues.  What was a memorable night is now invaded by present thoughs of did I do the right thing? As always I went with my heart but the grumbling inside is disqueting.  I wonder if I am just setting up myself to fail or plain deceive.  That little voice is wrapped around my mind, what did I do?  What can I do?  The hesitation builds up, and the discomfort now a physical apparition.  Or maybe its all in my head.  But the blankness grows in a way I thought I had already conquered.  Am I doomed to repeat my mistakes.  As a closed one reminded me, we swore we would be happy again regardless of the people around us.  And for a while it seemed that I was almost there, but doubt blocks the way to a path that was sparkingly clear in my eyes.

So what to do yaar?  Do I keep stumbling along, and pray that I finally fall upon something soft or do I just stop everything, and fix it one by one.  I cant even keep my thoughts straight, and I am talking about fixing my life.  Maybe thats the joke.  I keep confusing others and myself on here, and my weird life just plods on, oblivious to the reality I want, and uncaring as to my dreams.

All these fancy words just to say HUH?

Most of my fights always center around the act of timing rather than content.  Even though I can be right in how I feel, its usually expressed at the wrong time or for the wrong reasons.  Take today for example, i am already anxious about her being over at her family’s and I get a lecture about how I am not handling the situation over all as well as I could be. And time and again I am reminded throughout the day how I am late on just about every emotion and action. 

And then common sense decides to take a stab, and I surge out of pain’s senselessness, and I see her pain and worry.  Instead of just looking into my eyes, I swim over to her heart, and really try to make her feel less of the loss she has.  Can anyone really ever lose the family? Its a question I sense everytime I look at her pained soul.  And so I need to work on my timing.  Get faster. Word Harder.  Pump myself full of the energy she needs to live off of while she swims through this hole. 

I may not always get it right, but as they say failure is when you stop trying. 

just to sprinkle on some thoughts here that are burbling around in my head.  Second day of the week, and yet I still need to show a beginning for it.  A bit of uneasiness, wondering if all will work out.  A dash of worry about Gurjit, and a whole cup of protection for my babu.  And then I look ahead, and more uncertainty waits, and I wonder am I ready to ride through once again? 

Ofcourse, I am.  Thats what people lke me do.  Full of self-doubt, and yet we forge ahead because ,well to stop would be suicidal.  So I brush away the negative and let it roll inside me, and I just keep going.  Its all I know how to do.  Self-relflection a luxury that I cant buy often, and usually wasted anyway.  And so the day rolls on, and the words choke down. 

Another unfinished draft for my life, and so I keep the status quo.  A lot of questions asked, not thought about, definitely not answered but time is passed.  Have to love rationalization.  Good bye Tuesday, you served a purposed and still did not accomplish anything.

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