Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

John Wick, Rocky, The Matrix

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

What is it about certain movies that I can watch over and over again? Specifically, the new trilogy John Wick, most of the Rocky’s (excluding 5 but including Creed 1&2) and The Matrix (just the first, the other two are hard to sit through). I could watch them while they are ending, or midway through, but the excitement of seeing it from the beginning baffles my wife. Especially Rocky IV which I probably have seen a few hundred times. The David and Goliath motif has always intrigued me, and more so when I’d like to think I would perhaps one day do the same against impossible odds.

The movies represent the what if’s in my life. A life where I not only stand up to the challenge, not over overcome it, but kick the shit out of it. Yet I also know that’s not exactly true as I know I have overcome a lot, but the movies represent a flashier way to get things done. The truth is, life and overcoming challenges is not always pretty or involve killing or punching someone, but pushing through your own demons, and self-pitying stories. It is taking the same step over and over towards the same vision. It is doing the boring things that you don’t want to do (like be on a treadmill for over and hour) or being  mentored by others. Giving up your ego. That resonates because in each of those movies, the hero gives up their pride. Goes to work. Learns the ropes. Then kicks ass. I do the same except no one want to see my life again and again.

But maybe just maybe, they might.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Daily Celebrations

Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash

One of the privileges of celebrating Mother’s Day and Fathers Day or any annual event is the chance to give gratitude and be present in days where family matters. Yesterday, I felt immensely blessed to celebrate so many women in my life who represent the best of what it means to be a parent. It hit me that each day presents us with a chance to do that. Yet, I think it makes sense to have special days because, too often, in our daily grinds, we forget to recognize the important people in our lives.

There were so many birthdays for my father and aunt that I know look back with affection, and I am glad I got so much time to continually tell them I love them. I know when they left here, they knew they were deeply loved. And now in some ways, I celebrate them daily through these special days for others. Because of them, I now know how much these events mean.

Yes, there is regret, a tinge of grief, but there are also moments to smile, laugh, share happy tears and joy with so many who work so hard on a daily basis to make it better for others. And I realize now that it’s good to acknowledge people who do things unconditionally not for them, but to be inspired by them. To be around their positive and loving energy. To love learn from them, but mostly to love on them.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Roiling Within

Photo by Mitch Lensink on Unsplash

From the social media pics, it looks like an amazing weekend. Yet within, emotional ache boils my senses. Each thought about what ifs, could’ve beens, should’ve beens. Roiling inside me over and over, grief, loss, loneliness, abandonment. Each moment turning into another and it makes me wonder for what. Yet the smiling pictures, the food, the drink, the smiles all shared to the public to show happiness, fun, light when within I choke in the darkness of sadness and hopelessness.

There are bright spots, small smiles, remembrances of the past, a time with a lot of emotional baggage, and where just got to be. A time before losing Ziba music, my father, my aunt, and others. A time when it felt that life would go on forever. So much shared laughter, fights, silly arguments, but fun. So much fun. Friends who befriended anyone that they met from me, and before long they had their relationships with them. Gratitude fills me to have people in my life who take time to get to know others. Who think its enough that I brought the person to their attention, and forms a friendship.

Thoughts and feelings all over the place, this monday. A beautiful weekend on pictures nothing more than pretence, illusion that I am living a happier life than I am. But there are moments, far and few between, there are moments, yet those brief moments don’t make it a happy life. Just a lived on.

Roiling within, I put these words out so others many no, no it wasn’t a good weekend, it just looked that way. Curated. Captioned. But not the full story. Not even close. I look back, and I wonder when regret and loss stop choking me, making me roil.  When will it go away? Or is it just a new reality where loss is part of life, and letting go of things that don’t serve you the new reality?