Month: April 2020

It’s there, a silent snake coiled inside me. Most times, I can dull it with busyness, working on tasks, or numbing it with booze, friends or entertainment. But in those quiet moments, right before I go to bed, or when I wake up in the morning light and I am just alone with my thoughts, it is there. Just waiting to strike. Worrying about when this end, about money. about uncertainty, about loved ones, about what to do next, about how to fill the day, about coping with others, about well just about anything.

I admit, at the beginning, the day I got laid off from my own business was a day full of worry. But I had a choice. On Friday the 13th, I had no job, no prospects, no future income. Yet, over that weekend, it hit me that there was so much more out there. I’d done some financial planning, made the calls to all the installment plans and forestalled, and then I also a huge asset. My licence.

So that Monday, instead of being filled with worry, became one of action, one of focus, and also realization that I’d needed to cut the cord for a while, but I had been weak. Easy to stay on a place because, well because, it was easy. I chose the hard route, and I don’t doubt it (even though others do), but it does scare me. But that fear moves me forward while worry pushes me back. Which is why I’d much rather leave it there. In the past, not worth entertaining. Most times, I succeed, but sometimes, there is an unease, especially when I am in breakdown. It seems delicious to steep myself in worry, but like social media, it really just takes away from me, hollows me out.

So I get to bed, get up, and focus on what I can control not what I cannot. Then I get to work.

Happy Monday!

This past weekend, I learned how to load a dishwasher properly (it is, in fact, more water friendly). made Shakshuka (Arabic egg dish), discovered what the worst hand in Texas Hold Em is (2/7 offsuit), that I can lock my outside storage area, why people abstain during Lent, and so much more. I read for pleasure. I read to learn (Wage and Hour and Family Law Currently as well as key points about the Care Act by my amazing Colleague Simon Khinda). I meditated, wore a weighted vest while taking the dog for a walk, zoomed with friends, played virtual poker with family and friends, learned Spanish on Duolingo, and on and on.

I also did not watch new, or worried about Covid-19. I didn’t complain about being bored, or stuck at home, or not being able to go to places. I didn’t judge for others bemoaning their fate, and the continuing uncertainty of when this will be over.  I focused on surrendering to the day not the situation. It’s easy to get lost in getting frustrated, complaining, being bored, wondering when this will ever end or just really living the day. I chose the latter. It is not easy because so much of my ego has to step aside. I wish to control what I cannot.

And so I surrender, and I learn, and I grow, and hopefully my relationships get deeper.

Happy Monday

This past week, I have noticed that my environment has become infected with judgment, impatience, boredom, frustration, and anger. Most of it  I see on my social media. It’s one of the reasons I began to limit my interactions there because as soon as I open up Facebook, I see a barrage of opinions, rants, conspiracies, and sometimes, inspiration. It’s that last part that I keep wanting, and why I get on, but lately, that payoff just isn’t there.

I am also part of group messages where lectures abound, and others telling me how to behave. It’s utterly exhausting, yet when I shut it down, and really focus on myself, I realize the only true path through this is grace. People get to have their experiences, opinions, thoughts, feelings. Just like I do. I just need to practice grace and not join their ranks in judgment and derision. It doesn’t serve me to be annoyed, frustrated, angry at others. It just feeds more anxiety, impatience, and emotional discomfort.

I can only control my actions, and so I remained devoted to my morning routine, to my reading, to my curiosity, to being in service to my loved ones.  Do I always succeed? Not at all. Which it is called practicing grace. There are times I get it right. and other times. well I am just part of the torrent of negative emotion. I get to remind myself when I am in my shit that it does not support me. And I take a breath, give myself to act with grace, and go back out into the world. It won’t be easy, and it shouldn’t be. It will take practice, patience, understand, and yes, most of all, grace.

Happy Monday!