Brownness

Loss

One of the hardest things about getting older is the loss of loved ones. A Few days ago, the last of my dads best friend passed away from Covid. I went through the same emotions, numbness, disbelief, and the sinking feeling that my loved ones are getting older and that I can no longer pretend to not think about that reality.

It hurts. Hurts so deeply and the old me just wants to bury the pain, to not think about the dreaded possibility of others going too. Then I wonder if what I am doing is a waste of time. What will be my legacy. It’s hard not to be self-involved because necessarily involves thinking about oneself, yet it is a limiting belief. Rather than focus on what I have lost, I know I need to focus on what I have gained, to cherish the time spent, to love what I have now.

It means to give my mom, sisters and wife a tighter hug, to let my nephews, nieces how much they mean to me, to reach out to friends and let them know they matter. It sucks that a death can move me to so much action rather than life itself. I also hope the three best friends and now hanging out and having a blast reminiscing along with drinks and music. They taught me the value of life long friendship, of love not based on blood but loyalty, of living your best life with people who always have your back. To celebrate life no matter what.

It’s hard to imagine who else I will lose, and to be honest it scares me, but I also know that I can do better, to not make it about myself, and to truly enjoy the ones in my life now.

Brownness

Course Correction

Photo by Alexas Fotos on Pexels.com

The breakdown came early last week when my wife questioned the wiseness of me always being tried and not be present at the end of the day. She wondered if I had to get everything done the way I wanted every single day, and then gave the brilliant suggestion to mix thing up, to not give up so much sleep so I am not constantly exhausted.

This week I am going to ease up on waking up early because while I have been able to get more done in the past few months than I thought possible, I do feel like I am always rushing against time, not really stopping to enjoy what I am doing and really just making it one more task to check off. It’s an old habit of mine. While I always start with the best of intentions, inevitably I slip into making a huge task list that I have to complete by the end of the day.

My need to fill up the day with so much not only makes it certain that I won’t be present, but makes it more about the task than the reasons for it. Which means that I find it hard to course correct or be open to skipping something when it would serve me better to dive deeper into something or perhaps just not doing it so I can be more rested.

So the first thing that gets to go is the waking up at 5am every weekday. While I love my morning time, it also has meant that by the 10 or 11 I can barely keep my eyes open which does not serve me in spending quality time with my wife or others. I also know that if I just even get one hour of extra time I am not only more present but also have more energy. This is where it makes sense to allow my body rest especially as I continue to push myself at crossfit. So the more I rest, the more I am able to get things done that matter.

And so I get to keep playing around with it because there are times its okay to get up early, but making it a daily ritual has had a bigger effect on me than I realized. For me to be at my best, it means I get to give myself the proper recovery anytime.

It’s not easy for me to let go of things, but I also know that I get to shift my language because really I am not letting go of anything, I am just prioritizing what’s more important. It can take time sometimes to figure out what that is which is why getting feedback from others can be so valuable.

What will you do different this week? Happy Monday!

Brownness

On Learning

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

One of the challenges for me in my career is how much I don’t know. The law part yeah, but more often it’s the filing, the learning of legal based CRMS, forms, and billing. There is so much I have had to get up to speed up, and it’s taken me far longer than I thought to get up to speed. Then there is also learning about social media, marketing, the operations, the taxes, and it all can feel overwhelming except for the fact that when I center myself, become curious, the anxiety fades and I get excited about learning. Sitting on my desk, reading about a new subject or getting deeper knowledge on a subject can feel as satisfying as a delicious meal (and if you know me, you know how I much I love food).

I am grateful for my curiosity, for my need to learn more, to not just sit and accept mediocrity, to not blaming ignorance. Now there are days when I am overwhelmed, but whenever I slow down, and really dive into things, it always come down to fear. Fear of not knowing, of somehow screwings things, fear of not being good enough, all the silly fears that when I allow my insecurities to take root can sometimes paralyze me.

But then I get curious, I get engaged on learning so I can be better version of myself, run a better firm, be a better lawyer, grow even though uncomfortable because in order to keep moving forward you have to keep pushing forward. But learning isn’t just about career or being better, it’s something that also ensures I don’t become stagnant, married to dated ideas and feelings, to allow me progress in all areas of my life.

And so I keep learning, keep taking on new topics or work on a deeper knowledge on my practice areas, keep being open to others who can teach me in fitness, emotional health and provide me with knowledge I don’t have. As long as I continue to be open to learning, I know I will be better. And that to me will always be a win.

Happy Monday!

Brownness

March- by the Numbers

March Goals

Another month completed, and it ended with a blur as I couldn’t believe how much I accomplished in just 31 days. I have to admit, there was an added dread to the month as this time last year, the beginning of 2020 appeared to be one for the books, and while it was, it also meant a lot of unexpected change that took some getting used to. I also wondered if things would veer of course like they did last year, but so far it looks to be a record breaking year. All of this is important for me to remember when I am not perfect, when there are days that I sleep in till 6am or skip a workout or there is a breakdown in communication.

I managed perfection in 3 areas last month. I meditated and read every single day. The reading not a surprise, but getting perfect attendance on Meditation is more of a challenge as weekends I tend to slip up in my intentions. I am happy that I completed the Masterclass on Mindfulness by Jon-Kabat Zin. I believe that supported me in this. I did manage to do my Morning Pages for 30 days which is a huge milestone for me as I tend to forego journaling on the weekends.

I also managed to 25 pushups every single day. Not in a row, but broken up in sets of 10 with 5 second rest in between. I wrote 100 words 25 out of 31 days which for me was huge as I tend to not want to write on the weekends. I did pretty decent in my food journal in marking my food intake and working out, but I didnt put in my weight and my measurements which makes it harder for me to know precisely how I am doing, but my goal was to keep track of my intake and I am doing. I see now where I struggled most was drinking,

I drank 12 times this month which as much as I want to believe is okay, I know it is impacting my weight goals and also I don’t feel my best. I know I need to do better because I think drinking excess calories and not feeling my best the next day are not serving me. I also need to watch my intake. I still have this feast versus famine thinking as in I don’t drink most weekdays, but then overindulge on weekends. I get to find a balance to stop giving myself reasons to take in more than I should.

The goal isn’t perfection, its progress. There are many other areas I improved in, and I can see the results when I stick to them. This past month, my income increased as my client base rose, my views and Subscribers on Sabarwal Law increased as I continue to record videos and post them up. I plan on doing the same for other social media.

This all took off with me waking up at 5am on weekdays. I realize now that with the right self-care, I improve, get more things done. It also highlights my gaps, and things I need to work on, but that’s the journey. I can’t wait to see how I do this month.

Happy Monday!