Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A Sad House Gets Sadder

It’s taken me a few days to really absorb the loss of our family dog. I brought Bebo for my mom 12 years ago, but funnily enough my dad named her. It took him less than a minute. As I stroked her hair before we put her down, I couldn’t help remembering how I stroked my father’s hair in Iran as we cleaned his body before cremation. Both times, tears streamed down my face, and regret covered my soul.

The sheer pain in my heart felt as if I would melt into a torrent of grief and loss. Bebo knew she was going. Her eyes looked at my calmly as she accepted her fate, and I wondered if I would be blessed enough to do the same when my time came.

Papa always talked about Death and how he was content with his life. As I struggle in my stormy emotions, and the awareness of yet another death in our family, I feel our house get even sadder. A certain quietness reigns through the rooms, and it feels as if we speak in whispers at a funeral. Joy comes occasionally, but more often, it is just a thick blanket of silence where everyone in the house pretends to move forward.

Each week it seems something new comes up that takes out just a bit more air out of the house, and so I sit in silence, bathing myself over and over with grief, and feeling if the ache in my heart will ever go away. I know logically that loss is a part of life, but for it to happen to us and loved ones suddenly over and over not only is destabilizing, it makes me wonder how I can move forward.

I used to look forward to new weeks, and changes, but lately it’s filled with dread and wonder who or what will end next. It truly makes me feel alone.

Food For Thought, Immigration, Inpsiration, Journal, Legal

Adding Practice to Theory

I no longer watch news and continually work to cut down my consumption of social media. More and more, Facebook feels like a place of shouting opinions and personal bias. There are days I dread opening the site for fear of the messages that will come barreling towards me.  I walk around, and I see people lost in their phones. Couples eating together with both looking at their phones rather than engaging in conversation. It feels to be a lonely life when so much passes me by. Yet I know that getting lost in helplessness is not only a quick road to failure, but one that fosters indifference.

Last week, I spent four days learning about Immigration Law Practice. While the theory portion absolutely overwhelmed me, there was a growing conviction inside me that with the political climate the way it was, it behooved me to take part.  What scared me is how easy it is for permanent residents to lose their green cards, and how difficult the current administration has made it for immigrants to come or stay in this country.

And so I put practice into place for a new area, and I plan to grow. It is the only way I know to live.

Happy Tuesday!

 

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Death by Suicide

It’s been an emotional week, but one also of deep learning. More and more, it’ become clearer to me that it is important to stay connected with others. I don’t know when I began thinking that my personal vision did include others. I convinced myself that I had to withdraw and just focus on my tasks to be of value to life.

I forgot that connection takes time, patience and work. It is important to reach out to others if nothing else but to hear another voice, another perspective and perhaps be of service if they are dealing with difficult emotions.

There was a time every month when I was younger that I would reach out to every person in my contact group and just check in. I never had an agenda except just to connect and hear what others were up to. I honestly miss that feeling of connection. I am proud of all that I am getting done, but I know realize there is much more to life than getting things done for myself. I get to be a resource or allow others to do the same for me. I get to be connected, to be in service, to do more than just pass the days not reaching out.

And so I begin today. No more just getting things done. It is time to get out and be there for others.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

When Words Don’t Come

Another loss. Another funeral. Another chance at regret, and what if’s. This one a bit different. A life gone too soon. So much pain that the person left on their own terms rather than waiting for life to happen. I see the suffering left behind, and it boggles the mind. So much pain and I pray for peace for them and the person. How alone they must have felt.

As I grow older, it hits me that this will be nothing new. Death a new part of life that I can no longer pretend not there. I get to either prepare or keep being devastated. yet it hurts so much to live in that moment, and so I continue on the path of avoidance and ignorance until it happens again, and I come face to face with the reality that Death will keep happening, that I get to cherish what I have now or I will choke on the regret.

And so I start today with acknowledging that life has a beginning and an end. The best I can do is to make the middle count with loved ones, my vision, and picturing the legacy I wish to leave behind. But never lose sight of the present, of the chance to do over, and to be hug tightly the ones closest to me. To never, ever forget that time is short here. That all that matters is how we made people feel not what we did for them.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Continual Learning

Every time I feel like I have come to an understanding of myself, I discover I still have a ways to go. After Papa and my maasi passing, there has been an obsessiveness to accomplish things and create a legacy. Yet in that drive to get things done, I sometimes place more value on tasks rather than just stepping back, just BEING, present and connected to my loved ones.

Each day, I wake up with a racing mind on my to do list, and I sometimes lose sight that is OKAY to just be. Here. Now. To hear what others have to say, to listen, to be connected. More and more, I am in a rush to get to the next thing, and there is just so much I am missing out, so many I am not there for, and it hits me that it cannot just be about my getting things done. It is about learning to open my heart, and ears and be in service.

There are times I get it right, but more often than not I fail. And so I get to pick myself up and continue learning on how to be a better version of myself. Self-pity, loathing and playing victim not only weaken me, they contribute to me being even more disconnected from others.

So I take a breath. I slow down. I look up. And then I will seek support so I can learn to be not so focused on tasks. Wish me luck.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Stretching Myself

I am still sore from my 6am crossfit work out today, yet more than anything else, I know now that the way to move forward is to keep pushing, stretching, being uncomfortable.  It’s not just exercise, I am determined to keep pushing in all areas of my life. Because more than anything else I have a bigger vision for my life than just work a 9 to 5 and watch hours of television as the basis of my entertainment.

Each day is a reminder that so much can be done in 24 hours, sometimes I allow fear and indecisiveness win those hours where I am not pushing myself to the edge. I settle to do the average or what’s expected, and while there is a time and place for it, it is not every day. I don’t want my days to look-alike. I don’t want to ever wonder what if? I don’t want to have more days sleeping in rather than jumping out of bed and live a day of passions.

So I get to keep pushing, stretching, growing with the ideas, even at my worst idea is still better than lying in bed watching hour of channel surfing or scrolling mindlessly through my social media. What will you be doing?

Happy Monday!