Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Monday Morning Remembrance

Today, as I went down to get my coffee, I couldn’t help thinking about my family dog Bebo would usually waiting for me to wake up so I could let her in. Papa did that duty when he was alive and now both are gone. An emotional start for the day for sure, yet there always was  quiet calmness in me. I felt their presence, and instead of being lost in feeling sad or wanting them back, it just became a moment of gratitude for how much time I had with them both.

And then of course, my aunt came up who never missed out on any reason to come along and connect, and her always smiling face came to mind. So I took in the morning, and counted my blessings for what I did have not what I had lost. For once, no tears just a sweet yearning and remembering snippets of time that I’d gotten to spend with each of them. It hit me that time is the only commodity that mattered, and how I used it determined the kind of life I would lead.

And it hits me that in this morning quiet, a yearning to look ahead and keep reaching out for things because I have and had so many loved ones who support and believe in me. And so I begin this Monday not only with glad for what I had, but excitement at what is to come. I miss them, but remind myself not to wallow. I want to do great things but also need balance. I know I need to move forward but not be scattershot. And so I take a moment. Breathe. And start another week.

Happy Monday!

Brownness, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

To Do List

I have a tendency to want to get everything on my to do list done, but I also keep adding things to it. It becomes a game in which even the smallest things get added to this list, and what seemed like a manageable day turns into a rush to complete every single thing on my list.  So I had to take a step back and ask myself, why?  What was the point of all this items? What is causing this need to list and try to get to everything instead of staying present and enjoying the day for what it is.

I wish I could I could I was successful in always dampening this need to do things, but it is getting better. I am more aware now not to allow a to do list to dictate things that are truly me like reaching out to others that I love and care about, recognize the good in others, and really not let my day be run by a series of tasks. Yet I have to admit it’s not easy as I commit to more things for my vision. From volunteering at the Harriet Buhai Center to becoming Vice President of my BNI Chapter, there is a constant low-level anxiety that I am not going enough. And then I take a breath. It hits me that all of this is self-inflicted and easy to take myself too seriously.

So I breathe, and I do the best I can and move on.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

77 Days

It’s strange to realize that in just 77 days 2018 will come to an end. I just looked out the 5 goals I laid out for myself for the year, and only one of the is close to completion. Disheartened?  Not at all. Frustrated. Absolutely.  And I have no one to blame and so yet again I take responsibility.  So what were the reasons. Just as simple as not paying attention, and being distracted by latest shiny new idea and passion in my heart. I see a pattern. I start so many things, and in general I stick to them for a while, but it takes away from time for goals I have had for years.

For example, each year I say I will be able to do a pull up, run a marathon, publish a book, and be better with money, but somehow I manage to get to other things and now looking at my original 2018 goals, it hits me that I spent minimal time working on making these goals happen.  It always come down to the fact that until I take the small steps to get to those bigger goals, they will just remain ambitions and not actual things I have done.

Yet there is also a part of me that realizes that I also did many things that I am proud of.  Maybe its better these goals become news one for 2019, but if I am being honest 2018 served its purpose in teaching me patience, humility, and responsibility. How about you? How is 2018 treating you?

Happy Monday!

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Time

Each Monday is an opportunity to start over. I read somewhere the Buddha said the biggest misconception that we have is that we have time.  That comment hit me hard as I realized that I can either waste time or I can use it to help bring my vision to life. So what do I want to use time for? I want to use it to further relationships with loved ones. Not just family but those friends that  I have had for decades. To check in, and let them know they are being thought of. To also show the ones near me how much they mean to be and how grateful I am that they are in my life.

Then also there is being in service. Over the years, I have volunteered at many places, but not to brag but because I believe that it is important to know that anyone can have an impact on another’s life. I know so many who have in mine so why not continue that? Yet more and more I think about the quote and realize there is so much I have put off thinking I will have time for it and now I am 46. I wonder about my dreams at 18, then 21 and 30, have I been faithful to those ideals or did I just keep saying to myself I still have time? It’s a question I will grapple with this week.

How about you?  Happy Monday!

 

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Papa Lives

Missing Loved Ones Quotes Inspirational Even Through Tea Cake Is Gone Janie Still Loves Him And Believes Hes – QUOTES FAMOUS

Only in this morning quiet do the tears come. Images of Papa, Baby Maasi and Bebo flood me and my soul aches. My heart hurts. There hasn’t been a day when I haven’t thought about them. I tell myself time heals, but really all it does is that I don’t speak about them aloud anymore. The silence in my heart suffocates my mind. I wish I knew how to express what it means to lose loved ones in successive order. Each loss a reminder that at end of the day we only get one life to spend with them. Regret chokes me up. So many missed opportunities. So much time with petty anger and frustration instead of loving them in the best way possible.

The worst part is being surrounded by ones who don’t know that feeling and offer platitudes that can never salve my gaping soul. So I wake up everyday and give myself the allowance to miss them fully and know that they loved me with all my flaws. Each morning a new chance to feel gratitude and pain. My own private moment that I chose not to share those close to me.

The words that come to describe the losses small, insignificant to the pain in my heart. Even now. I feel overwhelmed at the grief, and the words do nothing but just make it worse. Yet I get up each day with the hope that at some point it will lessen, then I will be able to look out the kitchen and not see Papa reading the paper, Bebo waiting for her breakfast and my aunt sharing a cup of tea with mom.

So I sit here, aching, hurting, grieving, and then I shake it off and remember them for they always were: joyful, full of curiosity, and always open to sitting down and spending time. And I work to honor their memory, and realize that each day is a chance to remember them.

And so I love their memories, but I ache.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Personal Freedom

Today, my leadership call included the prompt  “What does Personal Freedom look like to you?” The question immediately brought to mind that when I stick to my personal routines and am able to do the things that bring me joy, I can be of service to others. When I get too involved in a task list, and move away from my daily morning rituals, I feel imprisoned and unhappy.

Yet it is also a balance. I also get to be present and be in acceptance when there are changes in life. For example, I recently had an employee quit mid-shift and instead of focusing on how unfair it was, it turned into an excellent opportunity for me to learn our new Point of Sale program. When I forget that Personal Freedom means aligning with my personal vision for growth, what feels like a burden becomes a reason to continue on that path.

It takes continual check-in’s to ensure that I am not doing things just for the sake of doing them, but that they align with my personal values.  For me, Personal Freedom looks like responsibility, Integrity, and Passion. It also means that I get to make a habit of knowing my why. It is easy to get lost in the busyness of life and others. It means to know the instead of filling my time with things to do, it should be things to go with my vision.

What does Personal Freedom look like to you? Happy Monday!