Food For Thought, Inpsiration

Responsibility

Responsibility sucks.  It is so much easier to blame others, and drown myself in victim mentality. These past few weeks, I have managed to feel so sorry for myself that it was easier to say “I give up” than face the reality of responsibility.  Easier to fall into feeling like a failure, and blaming others. Easier to drown in emotions of grief, regret and self-pity. Here’s the shitty part: it doesn’t make it any better. So back to responsibility  I go. It means to get back up. To take a hard look at myself and see what it is that I am NOT doing. To really listen and check in with others and see where they are at rather that too busy ready to respond in judgement rather than just being present.

It’s not easy being responsible. It’s easier being self-righteous and be in judgement, but really what’s driving all that is fear. Fear of the unknown, being vulnerable, intimate and then be let down anyway. Fear of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, and then blaming others when respond the same way over and over. This vicious cycle where I rather be “right” in my thinking than looking and realizing that responsible leaderships ALWAYS looks at the other side. It comes up with win-wins not win-lose or lose-lose.

So back to responsibility I go. I choose vision over circumstance. Not excuses. Not Blame. But being the leader I know I am. I am a loving, giving and worthy leader!

Food For Thought, Inpsiration

Alone

I did a ton of walking and thinking this weekend. It hit me that while on Social Media it looks like I am having the time of my life, many do not see the struggle it is to get to those moments. The mini pep talks, the telling myself to get out of bed to get some sunshine, the engagement with others, the expression of daily gratitude for what I have. But none of it comes close to filling in the gaping hole of missing someone who is no longer here. A foundation that I counted on so thoroughly that it never occurred to me that one day it would be gone.

So daily, I get up, do what I need to keep my sanity, keep my thoughts and feelings about my loss to myself because it just seems easier that way. Yet, there is a growing pressure inside me as well that this cannot continue this way. Being alone this way for so long is a recipe for disaster yet my distaste of pity and being vulnerable so great that I’d rather say I am fine.

But there is light here. I am reaching goals that I didn’t think possible, and there is so much I want to get done. I honor him but getting to places he couldn’t and that is enough. I also know that seeking support needs to become a habit because it sucks to go at this alone, yet it is not easy. I hesitated posting this because it will sound whiny or a grab for attention, but really it’s for the ones who look like they live the ideal life, yet feel truly, utterly alone. This will pass. I know it will. I am a loving, giving and worthy leader!

Happy Monday!

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, My Past, Myself

Checking In

If you are friends with me on Facebook then you have recently seen an upsurge in my Yelp check ins.I always check in with a tinge of shame and guilt. The shame is usually that I feel as if I am bragging about what a great life I have, and guilt that perhaps I shouldn’t be posting so much. And why Yelp?  First off, it’s because I only check into places I enjoy and want others to have the same experience, and secondly any commentary I put there is because I want the people I am with know how much their company means to. These past few days have meant a lot as I was lucky enough to meet so many I care about.

Then there are also the non-yelp moments where I couldn’t check in.  A beautiful one hour conversation with an old friend in New York.  We have managed to keep going for almost two decades this way. And watching Star Wars on Kodi and then breaking into tears as I missed my father intensely to the self-loathing I feel for not doing more to better my life. The anger from an argument where it felt easier to blame another when in fact, they are a mirror into my life.

So don’t just look at the check ins and picture a wondrous life because the reality is that while the check ins are happy moments, they are plenty of emotional states one doesn’t get to see.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Random

First April Monday

The quiet of the house surrounds me at my favorite part of the day. Just me and my thoughts and laptop.  I put the timer on for 25 minutes. Each morning usually the same:   I do my Morning Pages from The Artists Way by Julia Cameron, then write the remaining of the time till the bell sounds. Those 25 minutes allowing me to just flow and put down my thoughts and fulfill part of my vision of being a writer.  It is that time when I truly feel like a writer, yet there is a growing urge that this time cannot remain private.

With the first quarter of the year done, it hits me that visions are completed with action. This first Monday of April is a reminder that only actions can move me forward not just wanting things to be  a certain way. It is a lonely road as many won’t or cannot understand my desire to better myself. It is never easy to explain what pushes me so towards this path of betterment.I don’t always succeeds, but those times that I do, I know I am on the right path.

So the quiet of the house supports me in writing even though sometimes it feels that no one else will.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Tasks Versus Goals

In just a few days, March ends. We are 1/4 of the way done with 2017. That boggles my mind. Each month,  I take a few minutes to take stock of the month with the same question: am I living a life worth living?  The answer for this year so far has been a resounding yes. Are there challenges? Failures? Missed opportunities?  Of course, to say otherwise assumes that I am done learning, pushing myself and ensuring I am present for others. There is the constant urge to keep moving, to do more, be of service to others, but there are times I also know that I can get more task oriented rather than goal focused.

Last week, after speaking to my accountability buddy, it occurred to me while its fine to get through my to do list, I get to focus on what my vision is. It is not about lists or tasks, but creating a life that matters and makes the world better than when I came into it. It is that drive that gets me to be up before 6am most mornings because the excuses of “not enough time” no longer works if I truly want change.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration

Spring Forward

A New Week, three weeks into March and Nowrooz (Iranian New Year) is today. Spring is here, and it’s amazing to think that we are three months into 2017. So where are you with your goals? Are New Year’s resolutions in the background or are you they pushing you forward?  For me, I am on track but then I came to a pause.

It’s been a surreal weekend as I reflect upon how much love my dad invited into  his life and others, and how so many reflected that on Friday. Over the weekend, it hit me that life is not just a series of things to do, but to actually enjoy. I am blessed that I have varied interests, but I am my dad’s son who was happiest when surrounded by others sharing the same passion.

So today, I spring forward into passion and living life not a to-do list. Today, I work on living a life that means more than just being busy but one with connection and joy. Today, I use Monday not as a way to repeat the week before but create new experiences that come readily to mind rather than wonder what the hell I did so far in 2017. So that’s where I am headed? What are you springing forward to?S