Fathers Day finally ended. It used to be a day to celebrate Papa, but now it means trying to quickly scroll through all the messages about what a wonderful day it is. I don’t want to be bitter or take away from others who still get to honor and love their dads. Yet, I struggled to smile, to move past the day because it also happened to be the third death anniversary of my aunt, one of Papa’s favorite people. Two beautiful souls gone, and a day where its about loving your parents made me just want to stay in bed,
A kind of restlessness overtook me. A day I took for granted now just has become a painful reminder. I know it’s selfish of me to put it this way, but I also get to process. It’s not easy to allow myself to feel the loss. Easier to not think, or talk about it. What can any of that do? I am like mom, quiet, taking it all in, but feeling it deep inside.
Each moment carried a heaviness. So I lay dow to breathe. Allow the pain to push down on my heart, and perhaps, maybe, just maybe, the pain would lessen. Swirling emotions throttle the words inside me and I just allow myself to miss them, to see images of them, to replay their laughters. I close my eyes, and picture them and will the day to pass. But then it hits me. Why? Neither of them would stand for this selfishness of mine. And so I breath in, and let out the pressure and just see them at their best.
Always smiling, joking. Always there. Even when not in flesh. And so I move past this restlessness. This quiet. I keep the pain and grief silent, but not my love.
Happy Fathers Day Papa. Baby Maasi, you are missed deeply.
Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog 