Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Daily Celebrations

Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash

One of the privileges of celebrating Mother’s Day and Fathers Day or any annual event is the chance to give gratitude and be present in days where family matters. Yesterday, I felt immensely blessed to celebrate so many women in my life who represent the best of what it means to be a parent. It hit me that each day presents us with a chance to do that. Yet, I think it makes sense to have special days because, too often, in our daily grinds, we forget to recognize the important people in our lives.

There were so many birthdays for my father and aunt that I know look back with affection, and I am glad I got so much time to continually tell them I love them. I know when they left here, they knew they were deeply loved. And now in some ways, I celebrate them daily through these special days for others. Because of them, I now know how much these events mean.

Yes, there is regret, a tinge of grief, but there are also moments to smile, laugh, share happy tears and joy with so many who work so hard on a daily basis to make it better for others. And I realize now that it’s good to acknowledge people who do things unconditionally not for them, but to be inspired by them. To be around their positive and loving energy. To love learn from them, but mostly to love on them.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Roiling Within

Photo by Mitch Lensink on Unsplash

From the social media pics, it looks like an amazing weekend. Yet within, emotional ache boils my senses. Each thought about what ifs, could’ve beens, should’ve beens. Roiling inside me over and over, grief, loss, loneliness, abandonment. Each moment turning into another and it makes me wonder for what. Yet the smiling pictures, the food, the drink, the smiles all shared to the public to show happiness, fun, light when within I choke in the darkness of sadness and hopelessness.

There are bright spots, small smiles, remembrances of the past, a time with a lot of emotional baggage, and where just got to be. A time before losing Ziba music, my father, my aunt, and others. A time when it felt that life would go on forever. So much shared laughter, fights, silly arguments, but fun. So much fun. Friends who befriended anyone that they met from me, and before long they had their relationships with them. Gratitude fills me to have people in my life who take time to get to know others. Who think its enough that I brought the person to their attention, and forms a friendship.

Thoughts and feelings all over the place, this monday. A beautiful weekend on pictures nothing more than pretence, illusion that I am living a happier life than I am. But there are moments, far and few between, there are moments, yet those brief moments don’t make it a happy life. Just a lived on.

Roiling within, I put these words out so others many no, no it wasn’t a good weekend, it just looked that way. Curated. Captioned. But not the full story. Not even close. I look back, and I wonder when regret and loss stop choking me, making me roil.  When will it go away? Or is it just a new reality where loss is part of life, and letting go of things that don’t serve you the new reality?

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Birthday Remembrances

How do you celebrate someone no longer here? No longer to wish, no longer to tease, no longer to hear their cough while  they to talk, no longer to see, hold, hug, to make smile. No longer. Each birthday now a cruel reminder that they are not here. What do you do with that information? I recently heard a Ted talk that really did hit home. We don’t move on from grief, we move forward with it. We don’t the person like a moment gone, but part of you as someone who contributed to your life.

Yet the pain remains, and perhaps boring to the ones who don’t feel the same, but the talk says the biggest thing people say is that they can’t imagine, but the truth is, if they truly wish to make an impact, they should. They should try to imagine the loss because we will all die, and how we treat the living when near and dear ones go is how they will be treated when they have a loss.

This isn’t about right or wrong, it’s about compassion, kindness, patience, and really, really digging in deep to see the ones close to us in pain who still smile, laugh, engage, but there is a sadness tinged to it. I am truly blessed to have so much time with my aunt and Dad, but the greedy me wants more. It aches for those lost times when they were down the street, and I chose to do something else. I now wonder if they ached to spend more time with me. If I deprived them love that they deserved. So many unanswered questions, and so I sit and reflect and the pain just feels overwhelming.

And yet I also fail to seek support, to let others know the emotional pain feels suffocating. Pride? Shame? Regret? I don’t know. But as I write these words, the burden feels an ounce lighter, and maybe, just perhaps it needed to said. Happy Birthday. I love you. And I miss you.

Just Maybe that is enough. Maybe.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Responsibility

Photo by S O C I A L . C U T on Unsplash

It is never easy to be responsible when I am procrastinating or feeling overwhelmed. The last few weeks have been a mishmash of being in service to others, working out, writing, and learning new areas of the law. I feel a bit disoriented, and I wonder sometimes why I find it necessary to juggle so many things at once.

I also just got a client a six figure settlement, and that contentment didn’t last more than a few days.  What if I have come an adrenaline junkie? The idea isn’t far-fetched.  It is also the realization that not many days go by and I don’t think about Papa or Baby Maasi, or Bebo and a dear friend going through her second round of Cancer treatment.

It just feels that part of life that gets you down can really pull you down if you let it. There are days that I do want it to. When I just want to stay in bed, sleep in, snooze, pretend that with my eyes closed, all is well, but I hear the dog’s gentle snore, and I feel the sunlight hit my eyes, and then again I squeeze my eyes and look over to see my beautiful wife, and I am just grateful.

Being responsible is not half bad. Most days. Happy Monday!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

March 17

Drawing by Gurjit Suri

Yesterday, we celebrated Papa’s birthday which felt surreal, but in a way, it ended up being a joyful day where we swapped stories about him, and his name came up often. For once, social media made me feel connected as I got to see how others expressed their affection for him.

Papa made so many feel special, and he had an energy about him that was contagious. It made perfect sense that we got to go to an Iranian restaurant to have his favorite food while my only regret became I didn’t eat his favorite, Lamb Shank well because I am vegetarian, but, then again, Papa never was for formality. The result became what he loved most: family time while eating delicious food.

I hate to admit how it can feel overwhelming to share what came up for me when I think about Papa. Not much time goes by when I am reminded about him, and the little habits of his that I am now adopting. It feels bothersome to be a downer or one who speaks about someone in the past, yet when that someone still manages to teach you things while they are gone, then who am I to not honor them.

Papa and I had our special time at Ziba Music, but there also so much time squandered away due to my stubbornness and ego. I can only express gratitude that I realized how much he influenced me, and the great times we did have. Sure, being greedy to have more now just brings ache to my heart.

But then again, his special day now has become mine, and I look forward to more birthdays where we can celebrate him.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Travelling Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Travel with others most always is fun and and a challenge. It hit me that so much of my time in the past got wasted for wanting to move things along and if everyone would just listen and then we would get to the next thing. And then I take a pause, become present in the moment, and take in the fact that right now only this moment matters.

I realize that all of us are unique and have our own wants and needs, but that means taking responsibility for myself, keep myself in check. Wanting things to be a certain way just invites grief and impatience and really just waste times that could be better spent being in gratitude for being able to travel with others.

But, and this is a big but. It’s easy to say to shift perspective, but when habits are there, they are hard to break. It takes time to walk expectations and desires back and just enjoy the vacation instead of wanting others to behave a certain way.  It’s a tough lesson that I struggle with, and I admit some days I fail at it. But then in those glorious moment when I succeed like when I take a walk on a beautiful trail, in the bright, sunny, chilly day. Listening to a customized playlist by a dear friend, I got a chance to reconnect and reset.

I don’t always get it right, but I am learning, and at the end of the day that’s all that matters.