Diet, Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A New Monday and My Why For Weight Loss

Each week, I spend a few minutes just reviewing what I accomplished. I take a moment to express gratitude and truly take in when I move forward. It’s crazy but I have lost 28 pounds in five weeks without trying to lose that weight.I have never been about binge eating or dieting, but Dr. Fuhrman’s Eat to Live plan was something that resonated with me. It is NOT a diet and definitely NOT for losing tons of weight but an anti disease eating regimen that involves eating most Fruits, Vegetables, Whole grains and seeds. I also added being active 7 days a week, cut out salt, and oil as well as visualized myself lighter.

Are my results typical? Probably not. Dr. Fuhrman does say that most people lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks. And also what was my why? See, that’s the thing, you need a real why. A why that will get you to move off your ass otherwise it is just a pipe dream. So my why is My father. Both my dad and grandfather died from heart disease, and I am determined not to go that way. I want to stop the cycle of dying due to preventable diseases. It seems ridiculous to me to die from something I did to myself. Now if a car hits, I am ok with that, but I am not going down without a fight!

But there is something. The time in the gym or when I am jumping rope or walking barefoot everywhere is my alone time, my processing time, the time where I feel I am working through the many thoughts in my head. So that is also my why. I don’t say any of this to brag, but I truly believe that you need a why to keep moving forward. That is the only way to seek change because you know what it’s for. So what’s your why?

Happy Monday! :0

Family, Food For Thought

New Beginnings

Every moment, we have a chance and a choice to start over.  I love that each month, I sit down and review my goals for the month. Although, I usually don’t get to the numbers in each of my goals, I still manage to touch each of them which tells me I have room to grow, and what direction I wish to go in .

This month will be a month of being in service to others especially my wife, loved ones and the community. I feel blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life, yet I don’t think many still feel how much they mean to me. Their love has been my foundation which allows me to work out, read, write, volunteer, and work my legal and Ziba job.

Yet it is also important to nurture that base because too often I assume they know they have my support, but more than that, it nourishes me. One of things that I Am learning in my new networking group BNI, the Giver’s Give philosophy which I take to mean that when you give, you get a bigger return than when others do you.  People, especially my wife and loved ones, have given me so much when, at time, I did so little for them so this month is the beginning f giving back to them. I love new beginnings and the chance to make choices that make a difference in my life.

Happy August all!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration

A Weekend of Emotional Cracks

In the drudgery of the sadness, there are now some cracks of joy, laughter, a brief smile, a joyful memory of my dad and aunt. There is a slight brightening in the days when we celebrated my mom’s, father in law’s and niece’s birthday. Celebrations happen, subdued perhaps but joy comes through because our loved ones would hate so much of this sadness nonsense.

We move forward not because we have to but because the ones gone would not like us being such sour puss’s.  They were the life of the party, and would want us to behave accordingly. And so there are glimmers of lightness, along with tears, but also shared stories or creation of new intimate moments full of joy and togetherness. The weekend flew by as we celebrated some milestones like my father in law’s 65th. His joy and surprise at the party infectious, and seeing the loving happiness in my wife’s eyes as well as my sister and brother-in-law who took pains to make the event happen.

In that moment, it hit me that yes mourning is fine, but that is not the only thing to do. We get to celebrate, hold our loved ones dearly, let me know any chance we get to show them how much they are cherished. And we get better at slowing grief down. Not ignoring it, but not also not running every single moment of your life. You force new moments to put cracks in grief’s facade, and perhaps, one day, just one day, maybe, you can smile first and miss them later.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration

A Part of Me

I sit here, looking at this blank screen, and for a while, my mind and the screen have blankness in common. Finally, the fingers move to talk about the blankness which makes no sense because it’s hard to come up with words. That’s the same with Death. It is so final, irrevocable, and the ones who are left behind to make sense of it. But what do I do with the constant heartache? I know I cannot stop living, yet each moment is now tinged with a sadness that many cannot relate to. Does death become the end and be all of me? No, but it is a part of me, and for myself it is finding ways to keep going.

I know Death is inevitable, but when it is sudden and back to back, so much of one’s life loses meaning. It is a stark reminder of how mundane your thoughts and emotions become because are continually about the same things and persons. So many lost conversations, so much left unsaid, the ones gone would not like this. Would actively discourage. However, I still walk around in a fog, going about my day with a lead heart. The ones closest aware of the pain, but unable to share it because they have their own burdens to carry.

So I pass the day alone in thoughts and pain.Wishing for yet one more day, one more chance to do it differently knowing I cannot. Regret now also a part of me. I get up, I move, I do my tasks. I engage, I laugh, I work out, I go to work, each action I perform as if life has continued yet I am fundamentally different now. There is a blankness inside me which I have no words for, but is now a part of me.

Cancer, Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration

The Cacophony of Silence

I wake up each day this past week to the realization that my mom’s little sister, my little brother and sister’s mom, and “Masi” to so many of us has passed. Each time my eyes open,  just for a moment I feel normal until it all comes rushing back. Grief chokes me into silence, and I strain to hear joy in our house. Down the hall, I sense mom wearily turning the newspapers pages, trying to put one more painful minute behind her.  Next to me, I sense my wife move around restlessly, her wounded heart mourning for someone who treated her like a daughter way before our relationship.

The house reeks of a deep sadness that had barely begun to ease up for my dad, yet now we are now back smack in the middle of a deep longing for another loving soul gone. It is fitting that she left we say because now my dad has company and for the past decades,  Baby Maasi was my dad’s partner in crime for music, grocery shopping, the farmer’s market and really anything  that got them outdoors when many of us didn’t feel like it. They were brother and sister by marriage, and in action, they took that relationship to an inspirational level. Yet the unfairness of their death galls me. What about us? How do we pick up the pieces?

And then for a moment, I allow myself the crushing idea of “why bother? I am gonna die anyway?”  And it does feel right, to not care, to just let things be, to lay back in bed, crawl up inside the blankets and just not feel. Then images of Papa and Baby Maasi come to mind, and it hits me that although both had health problems, they lived, no thrived! They did not focus on the unfairness of life or what they couldn’t do. They lived, and ensured those around them also did to. My dad and aunt never lost an opportunity to tell me they loved me.

So I let the silence linger for a moment, I stay in bed just for a minute longer, and then I let go. I get up. I push aside the blanket. Self-pity left behind as I get up to be present, to love, to let my mom, wife and family know they are not alone in this grief. This silence is not one they get to by themselves in. I can’t take the pain away, but that doesn’t mean I allow that to be a reason not to be there.

Life and death are part of my life. It will happen. Giving up  not only dishonors their memory, it is selfish and weak. So I get up, and I need  find ways to continue their legacy not bring it down.

Family, Food For Thought

80

Friday, we will celebrate my Dad’s 80th birthday. To say I have mixed feelings is a huge understatement. When I think about it, I got so much time with Papa, yet I cannot help the regret deep inside me of the wasted opportunities. There are so many I wish to spend committed time, yet I don’t manage to create the opportunities to make them happen. It is easy to fall into the trap of busyness, but really its the realization that living a life of legacy requires sacrifices. Based on some loose math, I believe that like Papa, I only have 35 years left.

Do I want to waste that time in regret, or action? Yet that also means there are times I am not with loved ones. My failure was not that I didn’t get more time with him. It was that I didn’t tell him more how much I loved him. So this birthday we get to that. I am blessed to have had his for so longer when there are others who got much less or none at all. However empathetic I wish to be, I cannot help missing him and wondering what if. It’s an emotional game with little pay off.

Thinking back, Papa lived a life of legacy. His upcoming birthday where so many will be generously donating their talent to honor him reminds me of that. It is what keeps me going. That while there are many who will not understand or accept my desire to do more than just work, it does not take away my desire to be a better person. Just like Papa.

Happy Birthday Papa. Sanjay Loves You.