Family, Food For Thought, Journal, Myself

Loss

It feels ever present, yet there are times when I can almost forget he isn’t here anymore. Times when I laugh at the times we had together, times we argued, his nicknames for him from calling me an Owl to silly barks when I said something.  I get a lot of my silliness from him. It never occurred to me that while time passes, its still hard for me to talk about him to others.

Better to hold it in, to let it burn inside because it seems pointless to let it out. So I go on with my life, feeling the loss, his absence at the family events, meals and conversations.  Me seeing so much of him in me, from love of music, to trying overly hard with gifts that when I think of it are not quite right or music compilations or playlists which start off great, but then with impatience meander into obscure or song that sound like something I might like.

Confusion reigns inside me. Easier to just keep on going, pretending, missing, swallowing emotions whole because it seems like overkill to keep talking about feeling the loss still. three years gone by yet it feels raw,a bit less pain but he remains as vivid in my mind.

I see him in my quiet moments in the morning now that I wake up like him or when I walk the dog,or I take a power nap like him or tease mom about her cooking. The loss lingering inside, but outside the smile, and all is well vibe goes on strong.

Each day rolls along and I dread the coming hours because the pain grows, but feels hard to share. I don’t have the words anymore. It feels like I have said too much already or not enough or the right words aren’t there. It feels like a betrayal of the soul to even write this music.

The desire to keep quiet, private,inside, to not allow others to pity me or offer solace, my burden to bear. My regret to keep reliving.

I miss you, Papa

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Committment

I am pretty proud of myself that for the past two weeks I have managed to go to Crossfit five days a week. It’s funny how something that seemed undoable to me because of my own stories now is fast becoming a habit. I can see why people get addicted doing something that pushes you each time you do it. There have been no easy workouts, none where I said too easy, in fact, the opposite. Each workout shows my weaknesses and where I have been skimping, and it all fuels my commitment.

Each morning, I get to work and find things to do that cause me pause, from legal study to learning new material or learning how to do videos or email marketing, and it makes me recommit to running a solo law practice.

I committed to being present, curious and be of service to my loved ones. I take moments out to spend quality time to not just assume friends and family will reach out and I make efforts to check in where I can. It makes for a richer day when I have had the chance to share bread with loved ones, and it wasn’t just a meal but an exchange of ideas, information and thoughts.

I committed to living a fuller life in all areas of my life, and it takes constant practice and action to make it happen. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

What are you committed to?

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Resistance

It’s crazy to know we are halfway through August. Unlike others, I am blessed I able to practice my profession and be of service to others. I also have recommitted to Crossfit because I noticed I was only going one to two times a week and running the rest of the days. I realized that I resisted going to Crossfit because it was hard, uncomfortable, and I felt like a failure. All stories that I told myself to not do something difficult.

It’s hard for me to ask clients for money. It’s hard for me to be engaged when people discuss things I don’t know about or are not my interest. And so I resist by avoiding,denying or ignoring. It’s easier to make up stories than be vulnerable or change the narrative until I chose to get accountability people who won’t let me just live these fake stories. So I learn to dive into the discomfort, learn to get curious, and truly hear what others needs are, become open to learning about the people in my life.

It’s not easy because resistance has become a natural reaction, but I know it stops me from growing, from being the best version of myself. When I resist, I know I am scared. I am allowing fear to dictate and while some fear is fine, allowing only that can calcify me. And so I do the things that scare me,I take chances, I learn,and I grow. I use resistance as my barometer for letting me know that I get to keep pushing forward.

Happy Monday!

Brownness, Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A fruitful bitter weekend

It is always a blessing to spend time with those who genuinely enjoy your company. Two weekends ago, I felt so much love, connection and warmth while I quietly also grieved for my aunt. It was a surreal weekend in that so many emotions intertwined inside me, yet I know that many memories were made, and relationships deepened.

It took me two weeks to process and I realized that as I get older, my loved one do too. I will see more passings, more transitions, and I know that time with them has a bit of urgency to it that I wish it didn’t.  Already, I have experienced three deaths, and while they are alive in my mind, I also see myself not saying as much as I could. I keep the pain buried, but it is also in my actions. I am quieter, and then I am not. The pendulum inside me goes from wanting to shout out all my feelings or to remain still and feel them all.

Not much time goes by that regret doesn’t pierce my heart and I wonder how many missed opportunities I had with my dad and aunts. How easy it would have been to pick up the phone, to tell them I miss and love them one more time?

And what about the ones still here? What can I do better? I know that as the relationships deepen with others, more memories are made, but I also know its important to maintain old and new friends, to be there for family, to know that I didn’t spend my days worrying about a future I can’t control, and instead spent it in experiences.

I not only tasted wine, but got to be around people who genuinely wanted the best for me, and I also got to say goodbye to an amazing soul. I don’t think I can ask for much more. Spend more time with loves is the new motto!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Passage of Time

One of the things I had not every considered that with the passage of time, I would get to bear witness to losing  loved ones in my life. It never occurred to me that as I got older so did others ahead of me, and then it is time for them to go. It hasn’t gotten easier. Sadness has entered my life, and made a cozy home, but it hasn’t taken over. My family continues to find ways to find love, laughter, strength, energy and sheer will power to keep moving forward.

Only now do I realize how much I will still witness. It’s hard to see that, and I don’t want to, but I also know that inner strength comes from being prepared, acceptance and just knowing the people in my family have had amazing lives. My aunt who left us two days ago went willingly, almost insistently because she’d had a full life.

I don’t pretend to understand my mom’s pain as she has lost her husband, and now two sisters, the youngest and the oldest. To me, she’s always been mom, and it’s truly hard to imagine her loss. Mom is mom, but she is also a daughter, a sister, a woman. Concepts that blow my mind as I get older, and see more death than I thought I ever would. It is not an easy thing to absorb. I also know that the past few years, death has changed my family dynamic but not in a negative way. Sadness is just one layer while resilience our foundation

I wish peace upon those have left us, and strength for those of us still here. Strength to know more are coming, but also the resolve to continue loving and living.

 

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

On Responsibility

This weeks prompt in my accountability group hit me hard as I was reminded that while it is easier to blame, to make excuses, to have a story as to why something was beyond me, the reality is much of what I do has to come from responsibility. Which means taking a hard look at myself, and finding what is that I can do in the current situation that requires action and not just words.

This week, I was reminded not too gently that I had failed to be present to something right in front of me and while I raved and ranted why I wasn’t, I had the sinking feeling that I was in my story. It is much easier to explain why something can’t be done or wasn’t done then owning up as the real reason.

It can be hard to have difficult conversations when I become more interested in being right rather than take a position of leadership and truly hear what is being said. It’s not easy to be told how I am actually showing up to what I think I am doing. That’s not to say that I am 100% in the wrong. Actually, this isn’t even about right or wrong. It’s about what is in my control, and what am I truly doing.

It’s becoming curious, compassionate, and present that I am able to truly hear. It’s also communicating my own needs and wants, and also what’s going on inside me. Because until I say what’s coming up for me, others will merely assume from my actions what they think I am doing. So I get to be in responsibility and share, and be aware of how I am showing up, but I also get to be clear in what I can and cannot do.

Responsibility isn’t about accepting blame or being right or wrong. it’s about being accountable to my thoughts, feelings and actions and showing up for the ones around you.

Happy Monday! 🙂