Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

March 17

Drawing by Gurjit Suri

Yesterday, we celebrated Papa’s birthday which felt surreal, but in a way, it ended up being a joyful day where we swapped stories about him, and his name came up often. For once, social media made me feel connected as I got to see how others expressed their affection for him.

Papa made so many feel special, and he had an energy about him that was contagious. It made perfect sense that we got to go to an Iranian restaurant to have his favorite food while my only regret became I didn’t eat his favorite, Lamb Shank well because I am vegetarian, but, then again, Papa never was for formality. The result became what he loved most: family time while eating delicious food.

I hate to admit how it can feel overwhelming to share what came up for me when I think about Papa. Not much time goes by when I am reminded about him, and the little habits of his that I am now adopting. It feels bothersome to be a downer or one who speaks about someone in the past, yet when that someone still manages to teach you things while they are gone, then who am I to not honor them.

Papa and I had our special time at Ziba Music, but there also so much time squandered away due to my stubbornness and ego. I can only express gratitude that I realized how much he influenced me, and the great times we did have. Sure, being greedy to have more now just brings ache to my heart.

But then again, his special day now has become mine, and I look forward to more birthdays where we can celebrate him.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Travelling Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Travel with others most always is fun and and a challenge. It hit me that so much of my time in the past got wasted for wanting to move things along and if everyone would just listen and then we would get to the next thing. And then I take a pause, become present in the moment, and take in the fact that right now only this moment matters.

I realize that all of us are unique and have our own wants and needs, but that means taking responsibility for myself, keep myself in check. Wanting things to be a certain way just invites grief and impatience and really just waste times that could be better spent being in gratitude for being able to travel with others.

But, and this is a big but. It’s easy to say to shift perspective, but when habits are there, they are hard to break. It takes time to walk expectations and desires back and just enjoy the vacation instead of wanting others to behave a certain way.  It’s a tough lesson that I struggle with, and I admit some days I fail at it. But then in those glorious moment when I succeed like when I take a walk on a beautiful trail, in the bright, sunny, chilly day. Listening to a customized playlist by a dear friend, I got a chance to reconnect and reset.

I don’t always get it right, but I am learning, and at the end of the day that’s all that matters.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Unfinished Marathon

Uncertainty: Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

There is a constant nagging thought inside me to do more, to be more, to explore more, more, more, more, and yet there are days I do the same things over and over.  A guilt inside me reverberates through my soul, pushing me to try new things, to explore, to question, to not sit still. Each day feels like an unfinished marathon.  I look at the goals from the past, current goals, and then my to do list, and it hits me that it will never be enough. I will never get everything done, and you know what, that’s all right.

It can be easy to look at all that I am not achieving, or maybe, just maybe it might be good to see what I finished the days before. Not to sit on my laurels but to give myself assurance that I am not sitting still, not stagnating, not spinning my wheels. A reset so to speak because it can be easy to look at all the lists and convince myself I did nothing. And I take the moment to review, and celebrate. The thoughts that I tried something new and failed. Those memories are the best ones not because of the failure but because I tried.

It is easy to count failures and ignore them as opportunities, the time I took to step off the ledge of comfort and uncertainty and took a leap of faith. It was never to succeed, but to grow, learn and ignite a new fire to keep trying. I admit there are days it can feel hopeless to fail at so many new things, those are the days when it feels like a marathon of failure.  And then I take a breath, and I let out all the failure and breathe in the opportunity.

A new day.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

On Regret

Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

One of the unfortunate realities of life is that we all must die. No big reveal there, but what hit me is how much more often I meet friends and families at funerals. There are those who I haven’t seen in years, and I remind myself to make sure to reach out afterwards, or we both make promises to each other to keep in touch, until the next time we really meet is at another funeral.

It hits me that as I get older so are my loved ones, especially the ones who were part of my growing up. And it feels one by one, one less person remains, and I wonder what lessons am I learning? What kind of life do I want to live that when my turn comes, there is more to be said. One thing is clear to me is that I do not want a big fuss at my funeral. I have never enjoyed being the center of attention. I prefer to work from the side, and the idea of celebrating me in any form has always unsettled me.

I find it extremely easy to give, but receiving always made me feel deeply uncomfortable. as I attend more funerals, more realization that my time on this Earth is short, the question that keeps coming up for me is: “Am I living the best possible version of my life?”  There are days I can say a resounding yes. On the days, I can be of service to others, on the days I can listen to someone without judgement, on the days I can perform acts of service.

Yet there are more often days when I am not the best version of myself, when I make up stories on why I am not writing, when I am not visiting or spending time with loved ones, when I don’t follow my passions a chance to breathe. But mostly, it’s the deep-lying regret of losing connection with so many in my life.

I have been blessed to have been on the planet for 47 years, yet I struggle to remember if what I have been up to matters. And so in 2019, I begin anew to do better, be better, to connect, to love and then yes, perhaps be in touch with the ones in my life no matter how long ago that was.

Happy Monday!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Monday Morning Remembrance

Today, as I went down to get my coffee, I couldn’t help thinking about my family dog Bebo would usually waiting for me to wake up so I could let her in. Papa did that duty when he was alive and now both are gone. An emotional start for the day for sure, yet there always was  quiet calmness in me. I felt their presence, and instead of being lost in feeling sad or wanting them back, it just became a moment of gratitude for how much time I had with them both.

And then of course, my aunt came up who never missed out on any reason to come along and connect, and her always smiling face came to mind. So I took in the morning, and counted my blessings for what I did have not what I had lost. For once, no tears just a sweet yearning and remembering snippets of time that I’d gotten to spend with each of them. It hit me that time is the only commodity that mattered, and how I used it determined the kind of life I would lead.

And it hits me that in this morning quiet, a yearning to look ahead and keep reaching out for things because I have and had so many loved ones who support and believe in me. And so I begin this Monday not only with glad for what I had, but excitement at what is to come. I miss them, but remind myself not to wallow. I want to do great things but also need balance. I know I need to move forward but not be scattershot. And so I take a moment. Breathe. And start another week.

Happy Monday!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Back to Basics

It can be difficult to take self analyze certain emotional situations especially when dealing with loved ones. More and more I realize that I am blessed to be surrounded by so many who love me and who I love in return.

I see that when I forget the basics of connection, seeking or offering support, or making time to things that bring joy, I feel a certain emptiness, a guilt that somehow life is passing me by.

And then there are confirmations in a way you don’t want to happen, and it becomes clear that taking intimacy, and loved ones for granted is a recipe for feeling disconnected and alone. And so it is with the law. Each time I get a new client, it is a reminder that if people had taken care of the basics, they would not need my services.

So I use today to remind myself and others to be kind, be patient, be loving, reach out to others, stop feeling sorry for yourself, but most of all remain open to the possibility of what life offers up. It’s usually not pretty, but it ends up providing lesson that you need even when you don’t want them.