Tag: Relationships

Myself, Writing

Writing 2: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
Story of I
Image via Wikipedia

Finally did my morning pages after a few months and thought I would share with you:

same, the random ideas come but nothing stays long enough for me to jot down.  I am still struggling with the idea of writing something and time is growing near.  I am almost 40 without a story to my credit. I want to be published dammit.  What can I do to seduce you back?  Why have you abandoned me?  What do you need to flourish inside of me?  Work is not me, you are me yet you hide, devise ways to stay away, making me seem incapable, unwilling to start putting something down for posterity.  It is as if you are afraid that I will misuse you, abuse your nature, blunting the truth down to ignorance.   What can I do to show you that I am more than capable, that I will be to true to you and no other?  Our dance has gone on too long, the flirtation now a joke.  It is time to commit to each other, to make it a real marriage.  I do not know how to get flush you out, to get you to give me the words to show my truth.  Instead, you have given me only silence and small teasers of what could be, wriggling away from my grasp whenever I come close to you.  Enough!  I need you. I want you.  I desire you like nothing else.  Come back to me. Make me whole.  Make me right.

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My Past, Myself, Preeti

Roaming Thoughts: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
Parts of the city of Geneva and Lake Geneva wi...
Image via Wikipedia

The buzz of the birds shines outside our window in Geneva, Switzerland, jet lag still a dear friend so as she breathes heavily due to an impromptu day nap, I sit myself in front of you to spill the churning thoughts inside me.   Poetic I am not, overly bored definitely.  I am smiling involuntarily as images of dancing with my friends and family is still looking to be filed away to become a distant memory yet the amazing wedding and love shown are making me reluctant to tuck away wedding month of celebration.  I dare not admit that 5 years ago, this seemed impossible, with many writing off (including myself) a big wedding, instead hoping someone from her side would show up.   Yet, I seem hard pressed to remember that time, instead I am surrounded by smiling happy faces from both sides, her loving brothers, her amazing parents and finally my always there family, culminating in 7 perfect events, 1000s of pictures, 100s of hours of movie footage but more than a lifetime of commitment to each other and our families, yet somewhere lost between are the small little moments we had, rough to sweet and I wonder what it is that makes a marriage (yeah, can you tell I am married now)?  When does a couple stop being lovers and friends and move on to becoming a loving partnership?  I ask because only in a true partnership can we accept each other strengths and weaknesses, soldering them together to become even stronger, even more agile and finally even more loving.  When we are lovers and friends, we each have distinct needs and wants that need to be taken care of, but in a marriage everything becomes conjoined, shared, split, experienced together otherwise your just two really good roommates who happen to get it on once in a while, aren’t we?

So here I sit, while her snoring gets louder, and I still at the various images hitting my head, from the little things friends did for me (sing when they weren’t planning on it, plan a bachelor party for 13 loud and picky guys, fly down even thought we hadn’t seen each other in years), just a multitude of kindness that I am not sure I can ever repay to the present moment.  She lies in bed snoring away at 9pm (12 noon our times) and in room my thoughts roam and I wonder (yet again), how I ever got this lucky. 🙂  It is becoming hard to sign off, to stop this post because the smile is not going away but the dread of what lies in the future remains.  So she snores and I roam…

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Myself, Preeti

Happiness and Thank You: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
Lorsque paraît la beauté..
Image by ImAges ImprObables via Flickr

It’s easy to write when your sad, angry and full of hope, but harder for me to write when I am happy.  My high school teacher Marie Tollstrup used to say that if you look at most poetry and literature, it has traces of negative emotion with a happy ending merely to showcase the writer’s whimsy, yet today I feel obligated to note the love surrounding her and I, amongst our dear friends, family from abroad and in general.  Each day in the past week has been full of positive emotion, brimming with future possibility, and the reality that our time has finally come. This December will make it 5 years when I fell in love so deeply and truly with someone who I had known all my life that it still feels unreal that I am with someone so beautiful inside and out.  But I digress.  These past few days have made me realize how truly blessed and lucky I am to have the people I do in my life.  Looking at my past posts, I have spent an inordinate amount of time whining about the ones that truly do not matter, ignoring the ones that come around me at a drop of a hat, and I cannot help be thankful for being just good enough to have them in my life.  I do not know what I did to deserve them but dammit, I am going to make damn sure I keep them!

 

Thank you, thank you, and thank you.  I wish I was more eloquent but I cannot stop smiling, while soaking in these beautiful days and events with amazing friends and family.  THANK YOU!

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#30trust, Myself

Speak Less, Do More/Ask Less, Act More

Sanjay Sabarwal
Project Management Knowledge Areas
Image via Wikipedia

It’s funny that this topic about un-acted projects came up because due to this exercise, I am finally beginning on a project that has been on the back burner for months.  The main reason for it has been lack of focus and my emotional insistence that it is a huge project that I do not have time or knowledge for.  But yesterday, as I spent 20 minutes just breaking it down into smaller pieces, it hit me that the project had been HUGE in my mind but in reality was something quite doable if broken down and done little by little (how do you eat an elephant? piece by piece).

Just like my life, I have made it more complicated than needed, ignoring the reality that everything in my life is a combination of being blessed, luck, and hard work.  I am luckier than most, yet that does not explain away the success that has been around me.  When I am honest with myself, it’s my passion for music, friendship, love and family that have gotten me the benefits surrounding me.  I am well aware of how arrogant this post sounds yet that’s not really the intention.  It is just that I need to remind myself occasionally that I had a lot to do with my drive to be better and chances I have received in my life.  It has been much too each to defer to others and think they know me better than I know myself, but the real truth is that I have picked the advice that suits me best, ignoring others and that has been the key to who I am today.

P.S: Only 10 days left to the Ralph Waldo Emerson writing challenge and I am already eager to take on another so starting checking out http://www.meetup.com so I can become part of a writing group. 🙂

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Facing and Fearing: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
Lost: Missing Pieces
Image via Wikipedia

1) The cost of inaction is not much truth be told if I accept my life as it is.  I have amazing friends, family, wife and work yet what is missing is my creative soul.  I feel I traded that in somewhere in my first marriage and it has taken me decades to realize how much I miss it.  As materially wealthy as I am, my soul is poor and starved for action and the more I have done this writing exercise, the more I see how it is to get out of inaction.

I have so much more to gain by trying that the only failure that will string is the lost chances to write.  I see myself writing regularly and lately my visions for work and love have gotten clearer as if I was in a fog and until writing cleared away the cobwebs, I was merely content.  Now I am full of energy, working out, writing, loving, planning things, it’s as if I am running out of time, and I want to get it all done and now.

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Myself, Random

No Longer Alone: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
Love Problems and Advice Illustrated SA
Image via Wikipedia

Sitting in the quietness of the day, I now know that I am not alone anymore.  Prior days, weeks, months that were spent alone are now shared with someone I love deeply.  It’s an intense feeling, shimmering over my thoughts briefly, sprinkling my days with a deep longing for the one gone temporarily. I no longer have an emptiness in my soul or the need to fill myself with temporary distractions just so I feel as if I am alive.  Looking around my friends, I see some who are alone, who are going through the same struggle as I did when no one could fill the void in their soul.  Sure, we all have false starts and even perhaps some slight promise of one or two who may be the one, but deep in our hearts we already know that is not true.  As someone with several failed relationships, I am well aware that more times than not, we breathe life and personalities into people just because on the surface they seem so right with us.  In a way, we try to force upon ourselves and the person, who they SHOULD be rather who they ARE.

Yet, I also know the hard truth that this battle is theirs alone, and the only thing we can do is to love them as our own and be there when they ask for us.  You cannot force yourself upon anyone, no matter how great your intentions.  That’s a hard lesson for me, as my instinct is to always jump in to help.  But just like with success, a friendship or a relationship  can only move forward when we accept who we are and stop trying to change the one we want them to.

Of course, nothing I am saying is new or even perhaps original, just that it’s funny how all of us at one time or another go through the same experience, but really just fail to realize that there is always someone who has gone through exactly the same thing.  My point?  Look around you, and you will always find the support, love and kindness you need.  You just have to believe that you are NOT alone…

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