The Human Yo Yo

4HourBody (Photo credit: MsLynnLewis)

So this week I began the 4 hour body diet. The previous week I did the Culver City Steps and the week before that I signed up for the Turkey trot in which I asked others to join. There weren’t any takers, but as soon I mentioned the 4 hour body diet, I heard a few snarky comments such as “aren’t you doing enough already?” to which my immediate response was no. The last few years, I have  been a yo yo between being in the best shape of my life to well…being not so good. I could use my subdural hematoma and brain surgery as an excuse for why I have gained weight, but truth be told, I had completely given up being good at eating and working out. It all seemed so pointless if all I did was get into shape, and then blow back up. I am luckier than most that I do shed pounds fast, yet with each yo-yo, I see that it is getting harder. The things that I could get away with, I no longer can. I either have to stick to a diet and workout regiment or not.

I also know I am my harshest judge, and people who have not seen me in months invariably will comment on weight loss, but I know I was at my dream goal of 190 pounds at the beginning of the year. I am currently 215, and it just weighs me down. I want to just say fuck it and eat to my heart’s content, but it’s really more than just being heavy, I want to be healthy. I want to be the best in-shape 41-year-old around. It really comes down to me and how I see myself.  Until the person I see when I close eyes is not in front of the mirror, I am will keep pushing myself even if it makes me a human yo-yo.


Stepping Forward

Another beautiful Sunday morning. Approximately 820am. I quickly walked the dog, wiling it to take a take a crap immediately so I could rush back home, shower and then head out. I had the chance, no wait. I MADE the chance to go finally check out the Culver City Steps yesterday (called the Baldwin Hills Scenic Outlook on Yelp). I had texted several people and even tried to guilt-force Preeti into going, but there were no takers.  So I stepped forward alone. It was exhilarating! I found out about the steps at a friend’s gathering where a college football player casually mentioned that he has been using the steps to work out his quads. Steps?  Huh?  I asked what he meant, and he explained that these steps were in Culver City, and were a great workout option and a great way to see the whole city in one shot. I was immediately intrigued. I love finding out about new things to do in Los Angeles. I have been stuck in a run lately with just running around laps in my neighborhood, and I know the key to killing boredom when exercising is to switch it up. Yet it was more than that. I am intrigued at finding hidden things to do in the city I call home.

There is so much to do in Los Angeles, but I have been mainly focused on finding places to eat. I think part of the problem with a vast area such as Southern California is that you have to make choices on what you want to focus on (similar to life), but as someone who gets antsy after a few months. I want to break these artificial boundaries of land that I have set for myself. For the first time, this summer I actually made it to the beach more than once. I live in a beautiful area, yet I still have not tried all the things that it has to offer. One day. I want to hit up every restaurant and hiking trail in Cerritos, and Artesia. I see in me a need to connect with the larger picture not just the one I have painted for myself.

I managed to do the steps twice and although my sore calves are still not talking to me. I know that I made a step forward, and at the end that’s all that matters.




Candles (Photo credit: magnuscanis)


I hate when I have to learn from repetitive mistakes.  It seems pointless, even hateful that I continue to make mistakes that seem so clear AFTER the fact.  Yet, that is how we get better, grow and perhaps at some point stop making those mistakes. I never thought I would stop making mistakes, but I did expect that I would get better.   Well, so much for that notion.  It’s not even the continual mistake that I am sorry about, but the fact that I let someone down who expects me to rise above being my usual self. I am too caught up in my pain to see theirs.  Too self-involved.  Too hurt.  Too deep in my self-pity. Too everything as long it involves just me, me, me!


Yet, all those are rationalizations. They are nothing more than excuses after the fact.  I am at a loss as to how make the person feel better, and that could lead to even more mistakes.  I thought I was better than that.  That I could learn at any age, and be a better person.  I know I can, yet I also have to deal with the aftermath of my carelessness.  It wasn’t meant to be spiteful but leaving someone alone in their time of need can feel that way to the person.  I was recently told to become more aware of what I say and I do, ad I have to say I still have a long way to go.  I am still too often on auto-pilot, and saying and doing things that are completely unnecessary and hurtful.


At this points, words are the assurance I feel I can offer someone, yet even I know that is not enough.  It is time for action. Sometimes being and acting sorry are not even close to being enough.  Sometimes you have to be an adult!



Myself, Writing

Writing 2: A Blog Post

Story of I
Image via Wikipedia

Finally did my morning pages after a few months and thought I would share with you:

same, the random ideas come but nothing stays long enough for me to jot down.  I am still struggling with the idea of writing something and time is growing near.  I am almost 40 without a story to my credit. I want to be published dammit.  What can I do to seduce you back?  Why have you abandoned me?  What do you need to flourish inside of me?  Work is not me, you are me yet you hide, devise ways to stay away, making me seem incapable, unwilling to start putting something down for posterity.  It is as if you are afraid that I will misuse you, abuse your nature, blunting the truth down to ignorance.   What can I do to show you that I am more than capable, that I will be to true to you and no other?  Our dance has gone on too long, the flirtation now a joke.  It is time to commit to each other, to make it a real marriage.  I do not know how to get flush you out, to get you to give me the words to show my truth.  Instead, you have given me only silence and small teasers of what could be, wriggling away from my grasp whenever I come close to you.  Enough!  I need you. I want you.  I desire you like nothing else.  Come back to me. Make me whole.  Make me right.

My Past, Myself, Preeti

Roaming Thoughts: A Blog Post

Parts of the city of Geneva and Lake Geneva wi...
Image via Wikipedia

The buzz of the birds shines outside our window in Geneva, Switzerland, jet lag still a dear friend so as she breathes heavily due to an impromptu day nap, I sit myself in front of you to spill the churning thoughts inside me.   Poetic I am not, overly bored definitely.  I am smiling involuntarily as images of dancing with my friends and family is still looking to be filed away to become a distant memory yet the amazing wedding and love shown are making me reluctant to tuck away wedding month of celebration.  I dare not admit that 5 years ago, this seemed impossible, with many writing off (including myself) a big wedding, instead hoping someone from her side would show up.   Yet, I seem hard pressed to remember that time, instead I am surrounded by smiling happy faces from both sides, her loving brothers, her amazing parents and finally my always there family, culminating in 7 perfect events, 1000s of pictures, 100s of hours of movie footage but more than a lifetime of commitment to each other and our families, yet somewhere lost between are the small little moments we had, rough to sweet and I wonder what it is that makes a marriage (yeah, can you tell I am married now)?  When does a couple stop being lovers and friends and move on to becoming a loving partnership?  I ask because only in a true partnership can we accept each other strengths and weaknesses, soldering them together to become even stronger, even more agile and finally even more loving.  When we are lovers and friends, we each have distinct needs and wants that need to be taken care of, but in a marriage everything becomes conjoined, shared, split, experienced together otherwise your just two really good roommates who happen to get it on once in a while, aren’t we?

So here I sit, while her snoring gets louder, and I still at the various images hitting my head, from the little things friends did for me (sing when they weren’t planning on it, plan a bachelor party for 13 loud and picky guys, fly down even thought we hadn’t seen each other in years), just a multitude of kindness that I am not sure I can ever repay to the present moment.  She lies in bed snoring away at 9pm (12 noon our times) and in room my thoughts roam and I wonder (yet again), how I ever got this lucky. 🙂  It is becoming hard to sign off, to stop this post because the smile is not going away but the dread of what lies in the future remains.  So she snores and I roam…

Brownness, Myself


by Jemal Yarbrough

Riffing along in my thoughts as I rushed to get to my counselor last week,  I realized I often played a strange mental game with myself.  Each week, I leave around 8am with the goal of being there at 9am.   Most times I leave it to the whim of the navigation to get me there.  Then it struck me that invariably the machine would tell me take an exit at a street (never the same street twice) and by some miracle get me there at 8:59am. I realized the path with navigation was like my life where I trusted others to guide me and suddenly grew up but just barely. So last week, I gave up the navigation and just took the way I knew and guess what I got there at :8:59.  No need for exits, and shortcuts or turning onto random corners.  I just trusted myself and  the result was the same. No more frustration or lack of knowing if I would get there on time or worse the sinking feeling that I was utterly dependent on someone who knew but didn’t care to tell me how.

So no big news there, I can do things, but often I do not.  As my therapist mentioned, I lack Chutzpah, that bit of nerviness with others close to me where I can say listen I know your methods are different perhaps even better, but I prefer to do it my way. I admitted to him that I felt like I could not make certain decisions because of the strong opinions or some or worse because of their lack of organization. Instead, I was left stewing in my frustration and wondering what the hell I had done to be so lacking in will power.  Sure, I was breathing and being mindful but I had gone to the other extreme of letting some run over my life and affect personal decisions that frankly were no one’s business except mine and my significant others.  I am like the lone boat in the marina, pushed ahead with the tides of strong personalities, unwilling and worse filling so up with anger and frustration that spewed onto the wrong person.

I have made so much progress in my life but now I also new additions in my life and feel like in some way have to start over.  That’s ok, that’s life but the difficulty is knowing when to speak up and when to shut up and let others live their life the way to want to.  I guess, the same way I want to be treated by others…