It’s there, a silent snake coiled inside me. Most times, I can dull it with busyness, working on tasks, or numbing it with booze, friends or entertainment. But in those quiet moments, right before I go to bed, or when I wake up in the morning light and I am just alone with my thoughts, it is there. Just waiting to strike. Worrying about when this end, about money. about uncertainty, about loved ones, about what to do next, about how to fill the day, about coping with others, about well just about anything.
I admit, at the beginning, the day I got laid off from my own business was a day full of worry. But I had a choice. On Friday the 13th, I had no job, no prospects, no future income. Yet, over that weekend, it hit me that there was so much more out there. I’d done some financial planning, made the calls to all the installment plans and forestalled, and then I also a huge asset. My licence.
So that Monday, instead of being filled with worry, became one of action, one of focus, and also realization that I’d needed to cut the cord for a while, but I had been weak. Easy to stay on a place because, well because, it was easy. I chose the hard route, and I don’t doubt it (even though others do), but it does scare me. But that fear moves me forward while worry pushes me back. Which is why I’d much rather leave it there. In the past, not worth entertaining. Most times, I succeed, but sometimes, there is an unease, especially when I am in breakdown. It seems delicious to steep myself in worry, but like social media, it really just takes away from me, hollows me out.
So I get to bed, get up, and focus on what I can control not what I cannot. Then I get to work.