For me, the weekdays fly by, and the struggles become the weekend when it becomes starkly apparent that around others I am exposed to others, their beliefs, opinions, struggles, complaints, but most of all, their fear. It’s easy to control my own anxiety and the continual what if’s that I have gotten down to once in a while, but when around others, the uncertainty grows exponentially. I want to argue, or tell them about my routines, but I know that they are in their shit, and experience, and me telling them to live it a certain way doesn’t do them or me any favors.
I can’t control what is happening around me. As much as I know that, I still cannot help trying to do it anyway. I know the result which is unexpressed frustration, and a growing desire to keep myself busy. Yet, I also know avoiding is just another form of weakness of my principles. If I am to grow, I have to face things and people and ideas which make me uncomfortable. Always wanting a cushioned existence is asking for unsatiated aggravation at life.
Others represent that no matter what or how I wish things to be, it does not mean that their experiences are not valid. It’s just not mine. A hard lesson to accept sometimes. Mostly, when it is negative and complaining about things rather than practicing gratitude for what they have. But I also get it. It’s hard to feel grateful when you feel trapped, bored, listless, uninspired, unsure, but most of all, unclear of when this will all end. That’s a scary place to be. Asking others to feel or be like me is not only foolish but unfair.
And so I begin this week, yet again, with compassion, patience, and an open mind. I may not succeed, but I don’t plan on stop trying.