Category: Preeti

Journal, Myself, Preeti

The Stench of Self-Pity Part 2

Sanjay Sabarwal

BK Shivani said that just like you don’t yell at others constantly, we also need to be gentle with ourselves. Take a moment, think of all the negative sub talk that is going on in your mind. I know I am guilty of it. There was a constant river of berating myself for not being focused, not working out, not writing, not working, not being good enough, not eating well, not keeping up with friends, not being better and on and one.  This was the soundtrack of my daily life.  And I am pretty sure it’s yours.  We are constantly beating ourselves for what we are failing to do.  Yet we don’t take the time to be grateful for what we do have and what we are doing. I know I was guilty of that. I also know how silly one can feel being grateful for what we have. It just seems natural. It’s there. I want what I don’t have. We have this need for what we cannot ever grasp in our hands, yet each moment that we pass without thinking of what we have, we move further away.

Two years ago, I was perhaps the furthest I have ever been from writing and reading. Two very simple things that I have done most of my life, and at first I dismissed them as simple things that I would get to. Then I became addicted to social media, constantly checking and rechecking other’s updates about images, stories and things that in the long run did not add much value in my life. Don’t get me wrong. I am not bashing social media, but for me what I thought were simple things to ignore allowed me to use shallow posts to become my crutches.

So I began reading, then writing every day. Now I struggle with how much I can do each day with me adding learning Spanish, Meditation, and working out. I say all this not to brag, but that instead of the negative self-talk, I accept who and what I am.  Yes. there are days, many of them  infact, that I don’t get to all that I want to get done, but you know what? Its OK. I give myself a break. I now see that even when I dont get to do all that I want, I still get something wonderful, like an hour long phone conversation with a great friend, or getting to know something about Preeti that I didn’t know, or doing something completely new.

In a nutshell, be gentle with yourself. Stop the negative talk. Enjoy the moment. Take a breath. And then keep moving.

Myself, Preeti, Random

Bollywood And Bullshit

Sanjay Sabarwal
English: Indian actor Shahrukh Khan, arrival f...
English: Indian actor Shahrukh Khan, arrival for press conference of “Om Shanti Om” at the Hyatt Hotel, Potsdamer Platz, Berlin (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mild Spoilers ahead. Also for those who don’t watch Bollywood, most of this will go over your head.

Preeti and I had the misfortune to go see Chennai Express. Within minutes of the movie starting, I knew it was going to be a  steaming pile of shit. However, we sat through the overacting by Shahrukh Khan and Deepika whatever her last name is (I am too lazy to go look it up), and I couldn’t help listening to the audience that was in the same theater with us. They were giggling and laughing away like it was the funniest movie they had ever seen. It hit me that perhaps they are such huge fans of SRK that seeing him in a comedy made more than worth their time. While I couldn’t help noticing how old he looked, and the fact that he had to quote his older movies to constantly remind us what a huge superstar he was, I couldn’t quite get over how disrespectful us North Indians are towards South Indians. The movie is full of every South Indian stereotype there is (idli anyone?), with a bare nod towards Rajnikanth  at the end with a song dedicated to him since he is a huge star there.

A quick glance at reviews online and I kept seeing the word escapism, visually arresting, blah blah. If you want to wade through glistening shit, this is the movie for you.  No matter what, with a big blockbuster like this, you can count on one or 2 songs being interesting especially the “masala” song which involves a girl with some flimsy clothes gyrating away as she has never gyrated before. It’s all in good nah. Never mind that it shows women nothing than sexual objects and things to look at.  God forbid, a Bollywood movie such as this show women as more than showpieces. Nope! Not happening.  Instead we get a mishmash of horrible songs, even worse dancing, and me wondering why the hell did I sit through 2 hours of utter bullshit.

I know that we all have different opinions, and perhaps I just couldn’t get past the over acting, but what really offended me is how we continue to watch Bollywood movies that are broadly stereotypical (a tamil speaking punjabi guy anyone?) and promote the idea that only particular north Indians are the true Indians. What a load of bullshit. We are better than this. Bollywood needs to get better before it truly become irrelevant to the next generation of South Asians.  [Rant done. Drops mike.]

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Myself, Preeti

Paradise

Sanjay Sabarwal
Cancun Beach
Cancun Beach (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Remember Me.”

“People will forget what you said or what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  Unknown [The greeting note from our hotel

Right now in Cancun, I sip on my coffee people watching from my room.  The pool is huge and people are milling about and already the booths are filled up at the swim bar. Swim up bar. I had read that many times before but I am truly fascinated at the idea of ordering alcohol in the pool and drinking it right then and there. Of course to the many who are getting beers, I try not to dwell on the fact that I don’t see them going to the bathroom too often. Hey, it’s vacation, nothing wrong with pee, is there?

The sense of serenity and calm overwhelms me while I watch my beautiful wife sleep. Paradise. This is what people rave about. I finally get it. For the first time, we have arrived at a perfect place for us.  Because really it is us.  Those words just make me happy. There was some trepidation coming to an all-inclusive. We wondered about the quality of the food or that the drinks would be watered down, but nothing could be further from the truth. Expedia, you came through big time. It also helped greatly that 2 good friends recommended the hotel and one in particular told us to book for weekends as the price is double. Booking Monday thru friday saved us almost 50%.  The reality as she explained was that every day is a weekend at a vacation resort. She hasn’t been wrong on one thing so far.

And the ocean?  A brilliant deep blue further up and light blue with white sands near the shore. I still cannot get over how warm and pleasing the water is as your step in.  Yet what really makes this a great vacation is our sense of joy being together and really reconnecting again, learning new things, and sharing this beautiful experience together.  I know my recent posts have been sappy, but I hope that you also get a sense of my gratitude I have for the life I was lucky enough to be born in.  I no! We are blessed to have the luxury of going places, having wonderful people in our lives but most of all the faith that everything is going to be alright.  Paradise is not just this vacation. Paradise is where your heart is.

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Myself, Preeti

Preeti

Sanjay Sabarwal

I know the above song is your current favorite, but it truly expresses how I feel about you. You and I have come a long way. It’s hard to believe that ,today, we celebrate our second anniversary. I still remember our first kiss under the stars on New Years Eve outside of Suman‘s house 7 plus years ago. I knew at that moment that I would marry you. You were the first person in my life who I fell in love with unknowingly as we became friends. Our friendship was so unlikely especially the fact that we were in different social circles, and I remembered you at our family parties as the girl with pretty eyes. Sigh. Those green eyes.   I got lost in your eyes when we first kissed, and I felt I had met my soul mate. Each time you look at me with those piercing eyes. I fall a bit deeper in love with you.  I don’t know what I did right to deserve the right to look at you endlessly, but I am grateful for the chance to see those eyes open first thing in the morning.

You and I have had it rough. The ride has been bumpy, I admit, with all that we have both gone through, but I truly believe that they were intended to teach us how to better with each other.  I know that you were ready to take on world for me, and I know what a strong and amazing human being you are. The strength and belief you have in yourself motivates me to be a better person. Not many would be standing with what you have already experienced at your age. Yes, we are opposites in many ways, and we both have a lot of different interests.  Yet, somehow they have become complementary for us as we settle into each for the long ride called life.

You and I are different personalities. Yet your kindness, love for my family, and all the people in my life constantly reminds me how lucky I am to be with someone who accepts me for who I am.  There aren’t many people who I can share everything with, and there definitely aren’t many people who can put up with my stubbornness on a daily basis. You somehow you have managed to make me the person I imagined to be just by allowing me to be myself with you.

You and I are meant to be together. You and I will always get through the good and the bad times. That much I know.

2 down, and a lifetime to go. I love you, Preeti Sabarwal.

 

Myself, Preeti

Fences: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
by Jemal Yarbrough

Sometimes words can do more damage to your soul and personality that it can take months to repair the person you thought you were.  Recently, I inflicted serious emotional injuries on someone very close to me, not realizing that instead of being there as a person, I became an aloof prick .  The change was not sudden, but sad to say it took me a few days to see how far I had drifted on the person I used to be.  What is the point of growing up or having all the material wealth in the word when I managed to push people who fill my heart and soul with love?

In just a few minutes, I created a fence for that special someone who is now barbed with hurt, distrust but most of all disbelief that I could be this way.  The excuses are many, but the reality is I forgot for a bit how incredibly lucky I am to have the people I do in my life.  Sure, there are some new additions but I have been truly given gifts that I have not treated invaluable

In the end, words are easy to say and fling around but the journey back to love will take time, and I will need to once again prove why I am the best choice.  It has not helped at all that what I did was in front of people who think very less of me now, and it definitely has taken away a lot of the privacy I desired (ironic, I know since I am blogging about it but here at least it’s in generalities).  Now, I have to face some when all I want to do is wish I was invisible and never be seen again.  But I deserve it so it shall be.  The fence was created by me, and instead of keeping someone close to me, I managed to create a divide…

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Roaming Thoughts: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
Parts of the city of Geneva and Lake Geneva wi...
Image via Wikipedia

The buzz of the birds shines outside our window in Geneva, Switzerland, jet lag still a dear friend so as she breathes heavily due to an impromptu day nap, I sit myself in front of you to spill the churning thoughts inside me.   Poetic I am not, overly bored definitely.  I am smiling involuntarily as images of dancing with my friends and family is still looking to be filed away to become a distant memory yet the amazing wedding and love shown are making me reluctant to tuck away wedding month of celebration.  I dare not admit that 5 years ago, this seemed impossible, with many writing off (including myself) a big wedding, instead hoping someone from her side would show up.   Yet, I seem hard pressed to remember that time, instead I am surrounded by smiling happy faces from both sides, her loving brothers, her amazing parents and finally my always there family, culminating in 7 perfect events, 1000s of pictures, 100s of hours of movie footage but more than a lifetime of commitment to each other and our families, yet somewhere lost between are the small little moments we had, rough to sweet and I wonder what it is that makes a marriage (yeah, can you tell I am married now)?  When does a couple stop being lovers and friends and move on to becoming a loving partnership?  I ask because only in a true partnership can we accept each other strengths and weaknesses, soldering them together to become even stronger, even more agile and finally even more loving.  When we are lovers and friends, we each have distinct needs and wants that need to be taken care of, but in a marriage everything becomes conjoined, shared, split, experienced together otherwise your just two really good roommates who happen to get it on once in a while, aren’t we?

So here I sit, while her snoring gets louder, and I still at the various images hitting my head, from the little things friends did for me (sing when they weren’t planning on it, plan a bachelor party for 13 loud and picky guys, fly down even thought we hadn’t seen each other in years), just a multitude of kindness that I am not sure I can ever repay to the present moment.  She lies in bed snoring away at 9pm (12 noon our times) and in room my thoughts roam and I wonder (yet again), how I ever got this lucky. 🙂  It is becoming hard to sign off, to stop this post because the smile is not going away but the dread of what lies in the future remains.  So she snores and I roam…

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