Tag: Grief

Brownness

Mothers Day

Sanjay Sabarwal

This past weekend celebrated all the moms in my life, beginning with the one that warmed my heart the most. Watching our son hand flowers to his Mama felt unreal in a way. Even after 2.5 years, he doesn’t feel real. He brings us so much joy, continues teaching us, and his infectious energy radiates throughout our house. He has filled these four walls with a completeness I’d given up on. The best part of the day was seeing the wide grin on my wife’s face as she saw him for the first time that morning. It’s a image we continue with as long as possible,

The day got even better as he gave flowers to both his grandmothers, and his aunts, each of them with joyous expressions on their face as he celebrated them. Most of the morning spent with loved ones, and then some quiet time with just the three of us, and it felt whole, full, meant to be. And then also the acknowledgement of how much my wife has taken on with my work going crazy, and our upcoming trip. Each change in schedule for work she’s accepted stoically, and being a real partner in support, no matter what shes going through.

Zyan challenges and pushes us, and she gets the brunt of it, and instead of just being accepted, she has flown with me, flexed her motherly skills and made it meaninful time rather than wallowing in the unfairness of it. Each time I leave the house, there’s a guilty pang inside me, but I also know that the Universe is looking out for us, giving us the means to give him the life he deserves as well as us.

It always come back to gratitude for all that we have now, and what we didnt in the past, because it was only with those gaps were we motivated to move forward, to make things better, and Mothers Day is a perfect time to recognize that!

Myself

2010

Sanjay Sabarwal

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Image by gynti_46 via Flickr

You weren’t a good friend, come to think of it you weren’t much of anything except a source of constant grief.  I am not sorry to see you go, in fact I would say I am glad but I am not going to even dignify that sentiment in relation to you.  But then I realize I have something you cannot take away which are my friends, my family and best of all my brand new wife, Preeti so perhaps I can begrudge you a bit of a farewell.  Except today is just another day, and that’s how I plan to spend it.  No parties, no celebrations just a night in with my beautiful Preeti, just the 2 of us lying next to each other, savoring the closeness and the love of all the ones dear to us in memory.

You weren’t easy to deal with.  From taking a dear family member, giving me a stroke to afflicting the love of my life with a life changing disease, I can definitely say you have made it a mission to be memorable except you are not.  I am not going to give you that power.  Instead, you get this tiny post almost 2 hours before you die in my memory.  You don’t exist, and if you plan to tell your friend 2011 to do the same, then it will get the same middle finger.

I am not bitter.  I am not angry.  I am just done.  I know what I have in my life, and guess what, I know I am rich in that.  Forget money, forget fame, forget the material things or the many meaningless promises I have made at other New Year Eve’s.  I have what I need and want.  Now all that’s left is for the rest of the year to recognize that they have  been reduced to numerical symbols, meaning nothing except for the passage of time.  If you thought you were going to beat me down, 2010, you were mistaken.

Hear me out 2011, you might want to stay on your best behavior before you, too become another torn out calendar.  You have been warned.

Also, 2010, FUCK YOU.

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