Brownness

Half Way: A Blog Post

New Year Sunrise
Image by joka2000 via Flickr

Yesterday, marked the halfway point for 2011.  I was surprised to see that reminder from the Change Anything blog (changeanything.com) a book that I am currently reading, not because I had not followed through on my New Years resolution.com but mainly because I had stayed the course.  I lost weight, I started reading again, planned and took a few trips and wrote some.  I did not just have one resolution but many and I am sticking to them not because I wanted to because I needed to.  In the past few years, I have begun to feel less like myself and more a social being trying to please others and you know what, it fucking sucks!  I much rather be in the days when I was true to my vision and focus and did what I pleased but then I realized that was not ideal either as I often did events that made much less money than I expected.  I never did find the balance of running a successful promotion company and label, and a personal life.  But few years back, I felt like I had sold myself out just to be successful but even writing that does not feel true.  The reality is that I always managed to get to the halfway but somewhere, somehow, I get derailed before getting to the end, and that is what worries me.  Losing focus.  My dream is to be the person I have always imagined myself to be, and at 39, I don’t have much time before I am defined by the years behind me.

So here’s to being halfway there, sticking to my guns and being the person I have always imagined myself to be.  Wish me luck.

Myself

Birthday Resolution

Cover of "Enter the Dragon"
Cover of Enter the Dragon

I am struggling with who I am, who I want to be and I am nearly 40. That’s the latest mantra in my mind.  My desire to be a writer, to be a lawyer, to be truly great at something is getting lost somewhere in the shuffle because I refuse to do the day-to-day.  I rather indulge in fantasies like winning a Trillion dollars (who does that?)  than sitting my butt down and creating something new.  It’s easier to dream and imagine but so much more difficult to create (except for tension).

by Jemal Yarbrough

 

So I approach being 39 with some dread because I have to answer to myself.  I happen to find a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 40 and was disappointed to see that I had managed only 5 out of 50, but then it hit me that the others did not matter to me as much.  I need new goals, new things to achieve.  Actually, that is a lie, I only have one goal now: to be a published writer.  Too often, I have made excuses, too often have I blamed others, too often I sit at this desk and write about wanting to write but then write nothing of value.  Too often, and so instead of a new years resolution, I made a birthday one: WRITE.

No matter what.  Write.  Write lists, write journal, write morning pages, write something, anything.  Just keep that pen moving (well in my case fingers over the keyboard). I can’t help feeling like Bruce Lee in Enter The Dragon during the mirror sequence.  I am surrounded by versions of myself but each of me partially hidden by my image while I look for the elusive antagonist (in this case, The Writer).  And with a loud Kiyaaahh, I shall break those mirrors, break what’s holding me back, break into a new kind of Bruce Lee, the kind that kicks ass with words rather than kicks.

Myself

2010

Description unavailable
Image by gynti_46 via Flickr

You weren’t a good friend, come to think of it you weren’t much of anything except a source of constant grief.  I am not sorry to see you go, in fact I would say I am glad but I am not going to even dignify that sentiment in relation to you.  But then I realize I have something you cannot take away which are my friends, my family and best of all my brand new wife, Preeti so perhaps I can begrudge you a bit of a farewell.  Except today is just another day, and that’s how I plan to spend it.  No parties, no celebrations just a night in with my beautiful Preeti, just the 2 of us lying next to each other, savoring the closeness and the love of all the ones dear to us in memory.

You weren’t easy to deal with.  From taking a dear family member, giving me a stroke to afflicting the love of my life with a life changing disease, I can definitely say you have made it a mission to be memorable except you are not.  I am not going to give you that power.  Instead, you get this tiny post almost 2 hours before you die in my memory.  You don’t exist, and if you plan to tell your friend 2011 to do the same, then it will get the same middle finger.

I am not bitter.  I am not angry.  I am just done.  I know what I have in my life, and guess what, I know I am rich in that.  Forget money, forget fame, forget the material things or the many meaningless promises I have made at other New Year Eve’s.  I have what I need and want.  Now all that’s left is for the rest of the year to recognize that they have  been reduced to numerical symbols, meaning nothing except for the passage of time.  If you thought you were going to beat me down, 2010, you were mistaken.

Hear me out 2011, you might want to stay on your best behavior before you, too become another torn out calendar.  You have been warned.

Also, 2010, FUCK YOU.