Tag: Fiction

Brownness

Cousins

Sanjay Sabarwal

This past weekend my wife’s cousin came down to visit us for Halloween, and spend time with family. Friday was a nice night of trick or treating for Zyan with his cousins and loved ones, and then the night ended with hanging at brother in law’s for his birthday which gave me a moment to take stock to see my wife hanging out with her friends and cousins and seeing Zyan do the same, and it hit me that much of younger social memories were of my own cousins, learning from them, loving them, and taking it for granted they would be social circle.

Perhaps to an outsider it may be strange, but my wife ‘s and my own family allowed us to have a foundation of trust with those who are almost like siblings but with breaks. We experienced vacations, fights, make ups, playtime, and talking with people who accepted us just as we were, and I think that allowed me to grow a bit safer than usual. What I mean is that all of us had someone we connected with, someone we could share things with that we perhaps couldn’t with others, and I think that meant a deeper trusted relationship that went beyond just blood.

Being nosy, I stared at Zyan and his cousins run around like screaming banshees, and in those moments, it warms me to know that besides us he has a deeper pool of family that he can swim to for comfort, for understanding, to be plain silly with. Besides the cousins, he also has their parents who dote on him like he is their own, and that just warms me in a familiar way because I grew in the same manner as if there were multiple set of parents to take care of us.

The weekend already a blur of activity and exhaustion, add daylights, and my son’s continually asking where Ezra is means that yet another brick was laid for his future safety of love, of connection, of being around others who get him right away. And it makes the tiredness totally worth it because we can take comfort in the fact that he will always be surrounded by those who love him unconditionally!

Brownness

Bella Sabarwal

Sanjay Sabarwal

Bella came into our lives 18 years ago in Big Bear, the very day I proposed to Jaz. She was meant as a gift for my wife, a small, white maltipoo, weighing just eight pounds. At the time, I wasn’t much of a dog lover, but Jaz’s dream was my mission, and without fully realizing it, that tiny puppy quietly nestled into my heart, changing me forever.

I didn’t realize how deeply I had fallen for Bella until I found myself proudly walking her, playfully calling her silly names, scooping up after her without a second thought. I became jealous, even, witnessing the pure devotion she and Jaz shared. Bella was never merely a pet—she was our child, our companion, our comforter.

Bella taught me profound lessons in simple, everyday gestures. She taught me patience and unconditional love, the joy of quiet companionship, and how loyalty is often spoken in silence. She showed me the depth of comfort that comes from a small, loving presence, especially when Jaz faced her hardest days battling cancer. Bella wrapped herself around Jaz, her gentle warmth providing a solace no medicine could replicate.

We lost Bella a week ago. Holding her in our arms as she took her last breath left an emptiness within me so deep, I struggle to say her name or even share news of her passing. Our home is hauntingly silent—no clicking nails across the hardwood floors, no soft snoring, no playful chases around the room. Each room carries a painful echo of her absence.

What hurts most is the constant reminder that a precious piece of our family is gone forever. Bella was never “just a dog”; she was a cornerstone of our lives, forever embedded in thousands of memories and photographs, including our cherished engagement portrait that I see every day.

When I think of Bella, the ache settles heavily in my chest, a raw, lingering pain. It’s difficult to explain to others the depth of our grief—that she was our adopted child, the gentle spirit we never expected would leave so soon. There is no replacement for her presence, no easing of the loss that has profoundly reshaped our daily lives.

We plan to honor Bella by keeping her photos around the house and creating a special album dedicated solely to her memory. We’ve placed her ashes in an urn, awaiting the day when we’ll find the perfect place to memorialize her, alongside the roses Jaz loves so dearly.

I dream Bella is still joyfully running circles around Papa and my aunt somewhere beautiful and peaceful. Someday, when Zyan is old enough, I’ll tell him how Bella taught me to love more deeply, more patiently, and how her gentle presence enriched our lives immeasurably.

If I could introduce Bella to someone new, I would simply say: “This tiny, eight-pound miracle changed our hearts forever. She taught us the true meaning of unconditional love and showed us that life’s greatest moments often lie in the simplest, quietest exchanges.”

She is irreplaceable, unforgettable, deeply loved, and profoundly missed.

Brownness

Mothers Day

Sanjay Sabarwal

This past weekend celebrated all the moms in my life, beginning with the one that warmed my heart the most. Watching our son hand flowers to his Mama felt unreal in a way. Even after 2.5 years, he doesn’t feel real. He brings us so much joy, continues teaching us, and his infectious energy radiates throughout our house. He has filled these four walls with a completeness I’d given up on. The best part of the day was seeing the wide grin on my wife’s face as she saw him for the first time that morning. It’s a image we continue with as long as possible,

The day got even better as he gave flowers to both his grandmothers, and his aunts, each of them with joyous expressions on their face as he celebrated them. Most of the morning spent with loved ones, and then some quiet time with just the three of us, and it felt whole, full, meant to be. And then also the acknowledgement of how much my wife has taken on with my work going crazy, and our upcoming trip. Each change in schedule for work she’s accepted stoically, and being a real partner in support, no matter what shes going through.

Zyan challenges and pushes us, and she gets the brunt of it, and instead of just being accepted, she has flown with me, flexed her motherly skills and made it meaninful time rather than wallowing in the unfairness of it. Each time I leave the house, there’s a guilty pang inside me, but I also know that the Universe is looking out for us, giving us the means to give him the life he deserves as well as us.

It always come back to gratitude for all that we have now, and what we didnt in the past, because it was only with those gaps were we motivated to move forward, to make things better, and Mothers Day is a perfect time to recognize that!

Food For Thought, Myself, Random, Ziba

Thoughts For Food

Sanjay Sabarwal

A penny for your thoughts...Dollars for your t...
A penny for your thoughts…Dollars for your thoughts – NARA – 513735 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I have been doing the Daily Food For Thought for Ziba Beauty for almost 5 years, and I happened to read some of the old ones.  I realized that at first they started out as long one page inspirational stories that I scoured for on other sites. But now they are one liners mostly for quick digestion.  My world is slowly turning from one based on thought and reflection to easy consumption. We no longer seem to have the patience for learning through patience.  We seem to want our inspiration in 140 characters or less. As the messages get shorter and shorter, I wonder how much meaning is being retained?  Perhaps we are distilling it down to the essence of thought, yet truthfully for me, I miss the days of reading the whole story.

 

We are in the middle of a generation the prefers texting to talking. Leaving voice-mails seems old fashioned or just work related.  We no longer seem to feel the need to buy a CD or buy digital based entertainment.  The value of creativity based on words seems to be sinking.  I now have officially entered into the realm of the good old days.”  None of this change is bad. In fact, I love the ease and convenience of getting to music and ideas that I never could before. And there lies the lesson. It’s not really about the message or the shape or form of it. Its how you interact with it, what it does for you.  Someone who does not want to change will simply ignore a long or a short message.

 

That’s hard for me to swallow. I am a fixer. I want to fix everyone and everything. i know that is foolish and ultimately a waste of time. People will not change unless they are ready to. No matter how often I forward inspirational quotes, messages or texts, nothing will get through until they are ready to make a change in their lives. It’s hard to see people jumping over a cliff or harming themselves needlessly but as the quote goes, “until you get lost, you won’t find new ways.” Anonymous.

Touche.

 

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