It’s so strange to think I am already in May. 2018 looks to be a year of pushing myself in so many ways, yet I also cannot help the tinge of sadness in my thought and actions. The ache of missing loved ones no longer here not only pushes me forward to be a better version of myself, it is a constant reminder of failing to be present around them more often. I cannot help the guilt of not taking extra time to just take them in, and although I was blessed to have a lot of time with them, there is still regret because I could have had so much more.
In my quest to push myself, I forgot the reason why I wanted to be the best version of myself. It wasn’t for material gains or to make myself look good in front of others, but to truly live a life worth living. Too late, I found out that also meant that it’s not always about the tasks at hand, or my vision, but by just being here, now, in this moment. Instead, there are days I jump around from one things to another and while that’s not a bad thing, it can lead to distraction and not being there for others.
It can also lead to a lonely time when there is so much I want to get done, and there are months like May where there are so many things to do in all areas of my life, and I feel stretched, sometimes so much so that it feels I could snap.
So I take a breath, and remember the ones not here who provided so much love, inspiration and guidance, and I grieve, and then I know I am grateful for the time I did have.