In this morning quiet, it struck me that silence permeates my personality lately. While that’s good in being a lawyer, it’s not so great in personal relationships. That balance between oversharing, feeling unsafe, and being afraid of feeling let down trap me into silence’s submission. Yet that is not a great to live. There are so many who have offered, yet I forge on in silence even though most days, there is so much that wants to come out, I am afraid I will drown loved ones in words.
Yet there is a loosening of words. It’s not easy. It feels whiny, as if I am begging for self-pity, and its hits me that my discomfort about vulnerability confuses me. It makes me afraid to share my thoughts and feelings. Yet I also realize that my continual silence does come out in ways I am ashamed. Anger, irritability, general lack of empathy are my new friends because the grief has a choke hold on me. It feels repetitive as if I will bore others with my emotions, yet it needs to come out because it is the only way I can move forward.
So no more silence even if it kills me.