Month: August 2008

Another day slammed shut but for once with a bit of satisfaction and knowledge that things got done.  Also left behind that good a bit of sadness, nostalgia and the way things used to be.  Spending time with a good friend, and then getting work done can have that effect, and I look foward to emulating that model for the end of the night.  I am learning to be better, and I want to be better, so for once knowledge and desire can turn into the right action.  But for now, just the satisfaction of doing the job you were hired for provides that catalyst that I can take on my world and actually conquer it.  Doubts are still on the horizon but for once they look good there rather than diving into my brain.

Slowly the climb goes on, and there is so much to do and so much to learn (still?!!!), but actually I have a lot more to do, need to keep getting lost in the action instead of what could be. So I feel lighter and nothing else can really speak louder than that. 

Here’s to action: it just feels too damn good.  Thank God for progress.

Some things are better left unsaid.  Atleast that is what I tell myself each and every day, yet somehow, it slips through my soul.  I may appear quiet but thoughts and emotions abound around the main question why?  How did we end up here?  Why is it so difficult?  Those that know me have experienced my constant questioning, but when I step back and look at this page, I am filled with a quiet sadness.  A feeling of helplessness, and of my own shallow pride.  Someone who can I reach by touching a few numbers feels as far away as my past life.  Someone who is the second beat in my heart, is muffled by the hurt in my soul. 

Perhaps the quiet between us can be the salvation of our relationship.  Has silence ever solved a communication problem?  I sure hope so.  Day 1 passed without talking but not without words and definetly in quiet.  However, the heart still pounded and my soul still belongs to her.  Here’s hoping she had a decent day.

Whenever a week ends, a new desire to do it better arises.  But this week is a bit different.  I kept promises, consoled a friend, was a friend to my girlfriend, and actually managed to keep quiet a lot and still be heard.  Sure, the usual missteps and grimaces were there, but for once they were accompanied with a sense of satisfaction, desire, and a willingness to get things done.  I may not have gotten to the Everest of pain, but I am at base camp.  For once, things dont look as undoable or as unchanging as before.  Perhaps the parachutes of friends helped, or perhaps I didnt take as many leaps, but the feeling of calm is defintely addictive.

So I end the week and look forward to growing a tiny bit more in the next, and for those in my life this week, I thank you because its great to be surrounded by others who actually care for me as much as I do for them.  I cant wait to see you all again.  May the positive glows grow, and maybe this miserable blog actually a beacon of joy instead of constant pathetic pain.  🙂

Happy Weekend to all!

It always manages to surprise me that a weekend can still somehow summarize my life at its roller coaster best, and the cliff wide silences the epitome of a quiet future.  Yet, the week for once isnt full of questions or berating oneself but of how can I do better?  What am I doing wrong, and most of all, how can I be the person I see in my words.  Sounds heavy, but in fact its easy when you begin to live your day the way you want, and somehow things that were shackles now seem like guiding lines to a lighter day.  Sure, the pain still groans underneath the activity, but I dance away from it, and look towards the Sanjay I wish to be, that I need to be actually.  Because if not then, what makes me different from these empty words.  Read once and then forgotten.  So will I, if I do not become the change I see in myself.

Enough bogus philosophy.  The days are getting a bit faster, things seem to be getting done, and as long as I dont get on a groan and moan train, I may actually have beaten the sad ghouls in my soul.  Or maybe I am fooling myself, or worse lying to the reader, but for once it feels real, and it real does feel damn good.  To know that I can be better, that I can be the listener I envision myself to be, be the friend I hoped to be and most of all be the important part of the people close to me.  It isnt easy not should it be, but God it is satisfying when you feel like you got it right!