Brownness

Lies

It doesnt take much for the past to yank me back.  A whiff..an unhurried backward glance..or just the nostalgia of music can make me feel as if nothing has changed.  In that frozen moment, it’s hard not to believe that life was best back then.  And then another memory snaps you back to reality that all was wishful thinking of how we wished our past to be.  Dont get me wrong, I have lived a life that many have envious of, and also created a life that many wouldnt wish upon their worst enemies.

Lately, I seem to be living in the past with some of the recent events in my life, and its so hard to be truthful about it.  In fact, I seem to have frozen my reactions to a certain degree so I can see her smile.  Her happiness means the world to me while I feel like I am riding a ragged wind of pain.  It must be love when pain is your new significant other but your cheating on it by smiling for another’s happiness.  Her smile is all that matters for that moment, and yet I choke down sadness into my pillow.  I breathe for her so she can have a life, and I pretend to sleep so she can rest easy. 

We are all judged for our actions, and I am paying for the ones I hurt.  There are many, but I have also been hurt, and I now have only truth now to save me from lying to myself and to her.  And yet I press on, because thats we all do best which is live.  And I have to believe that one day this too will become just a small whiff, and I will make believe that even this time was not so bad. 

Lies, what would we do without them?

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