Another week where I pretend that life is back to normal, yet it’s clear it’s permanently changed. Each day I tell myself that it’s OK, that I should be glad for the time I had with him. Yet that deep emptiness won’t go away. Each day, I wake up and for those first few seconds, it feels like just before until the realization hits. I almost wish I didn’t have the words because it doesn’t feel like it eases the pain or makes me feel better. All it appears to do is inform the others as to my state of mind.
There are good moments, loved ones who do manage to make me laugh or ease the pain, but it’s always there. An undercurrent of pain and sadness that courses through my veins, but I do know that the words need to come out. I wish there was a way to get to the part where thinking of him didn’t hurt so much. Old images come up, then others, I am trapped in this position that I don’t know how to change or even if I want to.
So back to work I go, back to the routine of the gym, writing, meditating, smiling, laughing, reading and other things that felt normal three weeks, but now are tinged with the realization that there has been a permanent shift. I search music to find the words because the heart feels empty, but then I hear him in the head not liking all this dramebaazi. Enough he would say. I left laughing, and content which is true. He lived a full life, yet it does not lessen the pain.
So I carry on, pain and grief coursing, starting a new day with the believe that this too shall pass. Honoring his wishes, I begin this day and hold my loved ones just a bit tighter, a little longer, and know that this too is part of life.