Brownness

Regret about a Permanent Rash Decision

This past week, I managed to damage an incredible relationship I have had with a group of friends that I have known for over seven years. We were certain we would be lifelong friends, but now I am not so certain due to my own rash actions. Even though I apologized and really heard them (as painful as it was), it does not come close to my rash decision and what pain it caused for them. Now things do pass, passions calm down, and I know it may not seem as serious as now, but I am truly not sure.

This is a pattern in my life that sometimes serves me, but more often than not leads me down a path of expecting others to act the way I want them to act. Yes my routines, actions, journeys, goals support me, but they also tend to cause me to judge others and not see them in their beauty, their journey. As much as I keep saying there is no right or wrong, I still lean towards judgement when really empathy, awareness and maturity are needed. There is also the presumption that my way is the right way, and while it may be for me, it really does not mean it is for others.

So now I worry, and am in deep regret because my selfishness and holier than thou attitude hurts the ones I really care about. Is it the end of the world, no. But it could be the end of the friendship unless I make amends and meet them where they are at without judgment, without making it about me and my journey, and just be a good friend. It will take a long time to repair something that I broke in seconds. But I have no one blame but myself. As much as I don’t realize it, I still have a lot of growing up to do.

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