53

On my birthday eve, it feels important to take stock of where I am currently. It helps that my birthday is the in the first month of the year, and also always allows me space to consider how the previous year went and how I want the present year to go. I tacked on dry January this month after experiencing a horrendous New Years Day hangover that had me in bed all day. That’s something I do NOT want my son to see or experience. My reasons for getting to that point irrelevant except that to notice my behavior and ensure it either doesn’t happen or there are far fewer occurrences.

While I managed to stick to my workouts and intermittent fasting, work growing extremely fast took me my surprise (and it shouldnt have.) It led to a change in my weekdays which contains less of Zyan. It has not been easy for either my wife or as he undergoes testing our boundaries (well more of hers since she has him way longer), and we see less of each other. So while it appears to be good news in a sense, I can happen feel a tinge of sadness each time I leave him.

Who knew that having a toddler at 53 could be so much fun? It still feels unreal, still fantasy, still like a moment that will disappear. Looking around my life now, I think back to my 33 year old who was clueless, still finding his way, still wondering what life had i store for him. A bit too heavy. unfocused, unsure, insecure and concerned on how to make a living. And poof, now there are different worries, and it hits me its this low level anxiety that keeps me pushing forward, staying curious, trying new things. doing hard things because I have people actually depending on me.

They not only support me in multiple wayrs, they make me want to be the best version of myself. Which means asking myself the hard questions, leaving things that don’t serve me, giving myself appropriate breaks, and also taking the time to not also feel gratitude but also look forward to 54.

Happy Tuesday all!